Usually when I'm all alone and I get to ponder about things I, for the most part think about the ugliest things that could happen in our relationship. It's not that I enjoy seeing myself getting tormented. Let's just say I'm just the kind of person who is very afraid of what the future holds that I over think things and I'm a hundred steps ahead of what's about to happen. And because of my jerky cognitive thinking, it almost lead us to end the relationship. It started a week ago when I felt Joel and I were just totally a train wreck and the pieces are about to come off. We were like light bulbs that were about to die. Plants that were about to wither. We were at the brink of our relationship and we thought we needed to do something about it. We did the necessary things needed such as giving each other space to grow, try and act mature as possible, and not to let any stupid thing get in the way. It kinda did work out for a day or two but with a temper like mine, it won't really go that far. We were like cats and dogs for days and even my parents noticed that. They wouldn't say a word of course because they don't want to be a part of it but Mom would always tell me to fix it calmly with Joel. For that entire week as well, I hold on to my promise and never attempted in calling. He was happy about it and I was kinda getting used to it.

But something just came up last Monday that I couldn't seem to hold on to my emotion that I started rappin like a black bitch on the phone with him. We started screamin and yelling at each other and the next thing I know, I was already crying at the hotel lobby. The argument started very light then I started bringing back the past which made him really angry and I started screaming at him and the rest is history. The core of this isn't about our another stupid fight but how his Mom easily became my spiritual and emotional adviser in an instant. Right after we talked on the phone, I called his Mom cos he told me she needed to say something. I never thought she would come up to me and would understand me, really. She explained to me everything that I needed to know. Excerpts from our 30 minute conversation were:

"I never really wanted him to go down there but after he told me that he never felt so happy in a girl before and this was the first time he felt so in love, I knew it was time for me to let him go though it hurt me."

"I know how much Joel loves you. See, he even came all the way from NJ just to be with you because he said 'Mom I want to be with her every single day.'"

"You've got closer to me already and I don't want you to be fighting all the time."

"Boys have the tendency to be insensitive and of course us girls, we would want them to come after us. But Pao, not all guys are like that. I want you to be strong. You wouldn't go anywhere if you're weak. Joel's my son but I don't want to see you fail as a person that's why I'm telling this to you."

"Joel wouldn't ask a favor from me to talk to you if you are not special and if he doesn't love you."

This may sound repetitive, but again, having said that by his Mom was just major for me. I can't believe she actually said those words to me and so much more. All through out our phone conversation, there wasn't even a minute that she didn't tell me how much Joel loves me. And by the end of our conversation, she really made sure that I know that he loves me and he's willing to do everything just to save this relationship. I told her while crying that probably I was just stressing out because we haven't been spending time together for awhile plus the fact that he was supposed to come with us in Tahoe but then he went to LA. Actually she even said more but I just don't have the time to type it all here.

Joel had his talk with his Mom too and I think that made him realize a lot of things as well. I have no idea what they talked about but there's one thing I'm sure of... We're both getting there and this love couldn't get much deeper! We may be the most unpredictable couple there is but we are proud to say that no matter how weird we are no matter how HUGE the fight is, we never back down to anything for as long as the love is there, there's no room for goodbyes. It's not gonna be easy especially on my part because my patience couldn't handle that long, but he would always tell me "Just try and vision the bigger picture in the future. If you'll continue being a bitch then things won't work out for us." which is true and which I appreciate the most. It feels so good knowing that person you want to be with for the rest of your life share the same dreams with you. :))))))))))) I love JCP though he is an immature bitch.

So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.

- The Notebook.