Monday, August 3, 2009
I stood still
I don't normally blog about the fights Joel and I encounter as a couple because I don't see the point. But now that it has gotten to a point where I can't take it anymore and I need to blog it out, I think it's almost time to let the people know that we are not a happy couple just like what I have been frontin for 9 straight months. We are not a perfect couple like everybody else. We fight a lot and most often than not, I always end up crying. There are just some things that boys don't understand. I don't blame him for being stupid cos boys are just born that way and I am not responsible for that. If girls are born to be immature and overly dramatic then boys are born stupid and callous! For 9 straight months, I try and front it like I'm strong and all but honestly, acting strong is not fun. You need to feel invincible like you can face anything that comes your way, but fuck that I'm tired of being invincible.
I'm the weakest person there is in the universe and do you think it was easy for me to be frontin like that? Hellzfuckingno. I only did that because I didn't want people to sympathize me. After all that I've been through with T----, I don't think I still deserve this kind of treatment. When I dated him I thought everything will turn upside down. I thought it will all be better. Well, actually it did for a while....then it sucked...then next day we're fine...then the next we're not. For almost 5 months we were on a roller coaster trying to figure out which way we're going through. And bitch it wasn't easy. I'd always find myself crying in the middle of the night because God knows how much I wanted this to work but how can we work things out if your significant other isn't even ready? It takes two to tango right? I can't do it alone.
I don't want him to sound so mean cos I know I had my "terrible" share in the relationship too. I'm seriously a control-freak, a little bit paranoid, and I'm such a jealous bitch. I know my attitude is intolerable and I sometimes don't think before I act. I get hysterical most of the time and he hates that. But FTW, that's all he's complaining. MY FRIGGIN ATTITUDE. He should thank me for heaven's sake cos I don't flirt around, talk to random boys, and do things that I know would ruin the relationship. I always take consideration our relationship and that's one thing I think he didn't had. I'm not saying that he didn't do me any good at all because out of 100, I'd give him a 70 for a job well done. Let's just say he screwed up that 30 percent up to it's highest level. Up to the level where I almost gave up and just let God take over.
BUT. There's always a but. After all the bullshit he has done to me and the time where he tripped and I was almost leading towards break up, I still gave him a second chance. Well actually scratch that because the chance was not given, it was already obvious. My friends were telling me that even if he didn't ask for it, I'd still give it to him whole-heartedly, and they were exactly right. Even after all the turmoil we've been through and we're dealing still, I get surprised every waking hour of the day I find myself day dreaming about him just like before. Like it never changed at all. Like I'm still in love with him the way I was in love with him the first time we actually went out. I'm aware that God can't do much and He's only there to guide, it's my call 99%.
Right now we're undergoing another downfall in our relationship and I'm just praying that he won't screw up big time because I don't know by then what would I be doing. Would you believe that after all these I still trust my guy? Well believe it or not, I still do and I will continue to trust him no matter what. I'm giving him the privilege I never gave to any of my exes and I hope he'd give importance to it. More than anything, honestly is the most important factor in a relationship because if there's no trust there's no love. I'm sorry Joel Carlos if I made you sound like a total crap but you know how much I love you and despite all the ugly things I said, you will always remain to be my ANGEL without a halo. HAHAHAH. I love you so much that I'm willing to forget everything for the sake of our relationship. We'll get better, I believe in US. :))
I'm the weakest person there is in the universe and do you think it was easy for me to be frontin like that? Hellzfuckingno. I only did that because I didn't want people to sympathize me. After all that I've been through with T----, I don't think I still deserve this kind of treatment. When I dated him I thought everything will turn upside down. I thought it will all be better. Well, actually it did for a while....then it sucked...then next day we're fine...then the next we're not. For almost 5 months we were on a roller coaster trying to figure out which way we're going through. And bitch it wasn't easy. I'd always find myself crying in the middle of the night because God knows how much I wanted this to work but how can we work things out if your significant other isn't even ready? It takes two to tango right? I can't do it alone.
I don't want him to sound so mean cos I know I had my "terrible" share in the relationship too. I'm seriously a control-freak, a little bit paranoid, and I'm such a jealous bitch. I know my attitude is intolerable and I sometimes don't think before I act. I get hysterical most of the time and he hates that. But FTW, that's all he's complaining. MY FRIGGIN ATTITUDE. He should thank me for heaven's sake cos I don't flirt around, talk to random boys, and do things that I know would ruin the relationship. I always take consideration our relationship and that's one thing I think he didn't had. I'm not saying that he didn't do me any good at all because out of 100, I'd give him a 70 for a job well done. Let's just say he screwed up that 30 percent up to it's highest level. Up to the level where I almost gave up and just let God take over.
BUT. There's always a but. After all the bullshit he has done to me and the time where he tripped and I was almost leading towards break up, I still gave him a second chance. Well actually scratch that because the chance was not given, it was already obvious. My friends were telling me that even if he didn't ask for it, I'd still give it to him whole-heartedly, and they were exactly right. Even after all the turmoil we've been through and we're dealing still, I get surprised every waking hour of the day I find myself day dreaming about him just like before. Like it never changed at all. Like I'm still in love with him the way I was in love with him the first time we actually went out. I'm aware that God can't do much and He's only there to guide, it's my call 99%.
Right now we're undergoing another downfall in our relationship and I'm just praying that he won't screw up big time because I don't know by then what would I be doing. Would you believe that after all these I still trust my guy? Well believe it or not, I still do and I will continue to trust him no matter what. I'm giving him the privilege I never gave to any of my exes and I hope he'd give importance to it. More than anything, honestly is the most important factor in a relationship because if there's no trust there's no love. I'm sorry Joel Carlos if I made you sound like a total crap but you know how much I love you and despite all the ugly things I said, you will always remain to be my ANGEL without a halo. HAHAHAH. I love you so much that I'm willing to forget everything for the sake of our relationship. We'll get better, I believe in US. :))
Made love @ 3:32 AM
As what they always say, the cover doesn`t describe the inner content perfectly. I live my life the way i want it to be and as much as possible I don`t want anyone to take control of it. My parents and I usually argue just about everything because I stand by my principles. If I want something to happen, even if my parents won't approve to it, I'd still do it. I'm almost an adult and no one tells me what to do. I want I don`t consider myself "normal" because normal is boring. I go beyond that word, but I am not abnormal either. I'm just different from other people which makes me unique. I wear the fanciest clothes, paint the brightest nail colors, wear the most hideous make up but I don't care.
Contrary to what others are saying not a war freak, I just speak my mind, and for the most part I don`t think before I act. I speak sarcasm and a lot of people get offended by it. I have changed a lot, and I thank America for that! =)