Saturday, August 22, 2009
I think.
Paula thinks..
1. She doesn't deserve Joel. I love him but then having me as his girlfriend doesn't feel right. I'm the most controlling bitch ever and I don't think any guy would like that. I have so much bad qualities which he doesn't like but I'm still grateful that he's still keeping up with me. But then, it makes me think sometimes that after all his hardship and sacrifices, maybe, I don't deserve him at all. :| It makes me sad but what the fuck.
2. It would take her 5 years to finish Nursing. Fuck the educational system here in the States it's so bulok and I don't like it. Unlike in the Philippines where all the classes are already laid in your hands, ours isn't. I haven't taken any Math classes yet and the class are always full. When do you think will I ever get into the program huh? 2012? FML.
3. It's better to just live here for good than stay in the Philippines and do practically nothing. Sure all your friends are there and all the good stuff are there, but I don't think I would survive in the Philippines. At least here, I could work my ass and get paid. But in the Philippines? Where would I be working with my age? Gentlemen's Club which are really disgusting? Fuck that. My parents are thinking of just going back to the Philippines cos they don't see the point of staying here when everyone is back home. Parents can be stupid sometimes.
4. Joel and I are no longer on the "in love" status which makes me sad again. Is it just me or we're really not that in love no more? Having Kristyl and Johann as our newest love birds makes me jealous. Jealous in a way that they're both totally in love with each other and you could really tell from the way they look at each other and even the way they smile. I DONT KNOW! Maybe I'm just over reacting once again but I feel that we passed through that stage. I felt that ever since our relationship got deeper and same with the love, we no longer have that long ass kiss on public and other things. We still kiss on public though and PDA is just visible all the time butttt I don't know! It's not the same anymore.
5. To top this all.. Paula thinks she needs a psychiatrist. After all that I said up there, I seriously think I need to seek help from professionals. I'm not going insane okay, I just need someone whom I can really talk to about my problems and just let this fuckin burden out of my heart and my mind. I'm the type of person that doesn't hold on to grudges really, but I never forget things. I have the tendency of bringing back the past and making you feel guilty about it which is not right. Mom said I have anger management to fix too cos I can never keep my cool. When there's something to be mad about I get really hysterical and shit. HAAYZZZ life. This is the only disadvantage when you're in America with no CLOSE friends nor other family members aside from your immediate family. Maybe this is one of reasons why I get all this kinds of weird behavior since I used to have 298337193 friends to go to when things are really down and Manang Maan is there for me all the time. :| Oh well. I'm done blabbing. This is one helluva random post. I feel embarrassed and at the same time insignificant. I hope I didn't make myself a little less of a person after you read this. :| Boo.
1. She doesn't deserve Joel. I love him but then having me as his girlfriend doesn't feel right. I'm the most controlling bitch ever and I don't think any guy would like that. I have so much bad qualities which he doesn't like but I'm still grateful that he's still keeping up with me. But then, it makes me think sometimes that after all his hardship and sacrifices, maybe, I don't deserve him at all. :| It makes me sad but what the fuck.
2. It would take her 5 years to finish Nursing. Fuck the educational system here in the States it's so bulok and I don't like it. Unlike in the Philippines where all the classes are already laid in your hands, ours isn't. I haven't taken any Math classes yet and the class are always full. When do you think will I ever get into the program huh? 2012? FML.
3. It's better to just live here for good than stay in the Philippines and do practically nothing. Sure all your friends are there and all the good stuff are there, but I don't think I would survive in the Philippines. At least here, I could work my ass and get paid. But in the Philippines? Where would I be working with my age? Gentlemen's Club which are really disgusting? Fuck that. My parents are thinking of just going back to the Philippines cos they don't see the point of staying here when everyone is back home. Parents can be stupid sometimes.
4. Joel and I are no longer on the "in love" status which makes me sad again. Is it just me or we're really not that in love no more? Having Kristyl and Johann as our newest love birds makes me jealous. Jealous in a way that they're both totally in love with each other and you could really tell from the way they look at each other and even the way they smile. I DONT KNOW! Maybe I'm just over reacting once again but I feel that we passed through that stage. I felt that ever since our relationship got deeper and same with the love, we no longer have that long ass kiss on public and other things. We still kiss on public though and PDA is just visible all the time butttt I don't know! It's not the same anymore.
5. To top this all.. Paula thinks she needs a psychiatrist. After all that I said up there, I seriously think I need to seek help from professionals. I'm not going insane okay, I just need someone whom I can really talk to about my problems and just let this fuckin burden out of my heart and my mind. I'm the type of person that doesn't hold on to grudges really, but I never forget things. I have the tendency of bringing back the past and making you feel guilty about it which is not right. Mom said I have anger management to fix too cos I can never keep my cool. When there's something to be mad about I get really hysterical and shit. HAAYZZZ life. This is the only disadvantage when you're in America with no CLOSE friends nor other family members aside from your immediate family. Maybe this is one of reasons why I get all this kinds of weird behavior since I used to have 298337193 friends to go to when things are really down and Manang Maan is there for me all the time. :| Oh well. I'm done blabbing. This is one helluva random post. I feel embarrassed and at the same time insignificant. I hope I didn't make myself a little less of a person after you read this. :| Boo.
Made love @ 4:24 AM
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Pretty Wings
In love and life, the most unselfish act and sacrifice is learning to let go. At times, it may be hard, but knowing when to give up the fight is always the greatest act of love. Tt is love at its purest form. Everything happens for a reason... no regrets. You just learn to cherish all the memories, both the good and the bad. And if by chance fate brings you back together, then you embrace it with open arms. If not then it wasn't meant to be. But the question remains.. Are you letting go for the right reason? How do you even begin to turn your back on something that always felt sooo right? How can you just throw away all that you both shared together? Memories are never erased. Whatever pain exists will not disappear. It is only repressed into a state of idleness and its revival is always imminent.
Made love @ 9:17 PM
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Unimaginable
Have you ever felt so happy that you can't even stop smiling? :))
Have you ever felt so happy that you just want to hug every one in the house? :))
Have you ever felt so happy that all you want to do is glorify God? :))
Have you ever felt so happy that you see life on a different note now? :))
Have you ever felt so happy that suddenly, life is sweet? :))
Have you ever felt so happy so happy that you can't even express your happiness?
I'm happy as she is! :))
Glory to God in the highest. His will, will be done! Thank you Lord and you are the best!
Made love @ 2:48 PM
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Impulsiveness
I hate to admit this but I think I have a shopping addiction. :| Boo. I'm turning Kim Kardashian by the minute and I don't like it. Whenever I'm at the mall, there is no way that I am not getting anything. Even if that means Mom and I will end up fighting the whole time, I wouldn't give a shit. I will shop whenever I want. Damn it. But things are starting to get dead set and Mom is becoming hard on me. We were at Forever21 the other day and I kinda had a lot of clothes in hand, all ready to go the counter and let her pay everything when she suddenly stopped me and pulled all the clothes away from me and she herself looked through it. She was like "You can only have 1 dress, 1 tank top, and one leggings." I'm like what the fuck? I still have Gladiator shoes in hand, a couple of rings, headpieces, purses and more dresses! School will start in no time and I needed new clothes but fuck that! Arrghh!
So clearly, I only got those she chose and left Forever21 instantly. I know I should have been more considerate of her because she works really hard for the family yet I spend money like as if we're all rich. Knowing that it was only last week that she got me a new pair of shoes and a new set of Victoria's Secret perfume and other stuff. Now I'm totally desperate of getting a job so I could spend things on my own and I don't have to ask money from Mom. I was thinking of selling stuff on Ebay too since I sometimes don't reuse my clothes. SEE I'm such a prima donna! Arrgh. And Joel promised me that he'll help me sell my things too. And he said he'll shop for me too. Isn't that sweet? lol. He seriously needs to stop me or else have a hard time in the future. When I'm in one store I loveeeee, even if it's not needed, when it's cute, I HAVE TO HAVE IT. Careful boyfriend, you don't know what you'll go through if you won't do anything. HAHAHA. Tssssssk. Do you think I need to seek advice from professionals? lol I sound so weird but I seriously need to just stay calm and not be impulsive in buying. Gaaaah.
P.S: Joel is in LA right now and I asked him to get me something. He asked me what it was and I'm like "Look for a Jennifer Behr headpiece. They should have that in LA." And he goes "Just a headpiece? Okay I'll look for it." HAHAHA. Yeah sure babe. It's just a headpiece. JUST a headpiece that costs around 500-800 dollars a piece. Goodluck with that. :)))))
P.S.S: I didn't tell him that those headpieces cost a lot of money. Hahahaha :))))) I'm such a mean girlfriend. He's probably at the counter right now and will probably end up NOT buying it. HAHAHAHA. I love youuuuu! :))))
So clearly, I only got those she chose and left Forever21 instantly. I know I should have been more considerate of her because she works really hard for the family yet I spend money like as if we're all rich. Knowing that it was only last week that she got me a new pair of shoes and a new set of Victoria's Secret perfume and other stuff. Now I'm totally desperate of getting a job so I could spend things on my own and I don't have to ask money from Mom. I was thinking of selling stuff on Ebay too since I sometimes don't reuse my clothes. SEE I'm such a prima donna! Arrgh. And Joel promised me that he'll help me sell my things too. And he said he'll shop for me too. Isn't that sweet? lol. He seriously needs to stop me or else have a hard time in the future. When I'm in one store I loveeeee, even if it's not needed, when it's cute, I HAVE TO HAVE IT. Careful boyfriend, you don't know what you'll go through if you won't do anything. HAHAHA. Tssssssk. Do you think I need to seek advice from professionals? lol I sound so weird but I seriously need to just stay calm and not be impulsive in buying. Gaaaah.
P.S: Joel is in LA right now and I asked him to get me something. He asked me what it was and I'm like "Look for a Jennifer Behr headpiece. They should have that in LA." And he goes "Just a headpiece? Okay I'll look for it." HAHAHA. Yeah sure babe. It's just a headpiece. JUST a headpiece that costs around 500-800 dollars a piece. Goodluck with that. :)))))
P.S.S: I didn't tell him that those headpieces cost a lot of money. Hahahaha :))))) I'm such a mean girlfriend. He's probably at the counter right now and will probably end up NOT buying it. HAHAHAHA. I love youuuuu! :))))
Made love @ 5:01 PM
Livin with a Monster
So just like what my Facebook status is... "I am not happy at home anymore and I want to move out pretty soon." This has been an issue to my parents and to the entire Roldan family for months now. It pisses me off because they keep on going through my business when they don't have the "say" anymore. I am fuckin nineteen years old for God's sake, don't I deserve to have this kind of freedom? They would always tell me that even though we're here we still have to preserve our tradition and as we all know, no one leaves the house until they get married in the Philippines which is just plain bullshit.
I'm not going to go marry Joel right away nor get babies. We might move in together but that's the least thing I could do in order for me to get away from home. I'm currently unemployed and I have no dough so where do you think I'm going? And besides we're planning of going to Sacramento to finish college which is an hour away from Modesto. So basically, it would keep me away from home and since Joel and I will go to the same school I'm considering of moving out with him. We talked about this countless of times and he'll support me in everything I do and he would love to have me. But on the contrary, my parents are bitches and they wouldn't let me. They're just being selfish and they don't think I would be able to finish school if ever I move out which is totally untrue. I have dreams, aspirations, and wants in life and I wouldn't just throw it out in the bin. I'm going to be a Nurse and Joel and I will do everything to reach that.
My parents are just irrational. And aside from that, Dad and I never really agreed about something ever and we always end up fighting. I think this moving out thing would help strengthen our relationship because he wouldn't see me as often as we are right now and vice versa. And the house is not as peaceful anymore. Well, since when did we became peaceful? Like when Dad went home to the Philippines months ago? Seriously speaking, I want to get out of the house, primarily because of Dad. I never felt so peaceful and happy in my life whenever he's at home. It's either he'd make a HUGE drama about ME or he's scream like hell for no particular reason or if ever he had one he doesn't need to shout. I hate it when people yells at me and Dad does that everyday. I can't keep up with it anymore. It has been 19 years, I'm done with it. I'm just praying that I get to find a job that I want pretty soon and start earning so they wouldn't have something to say when I finally decide to move out. But my thoughts are FINAL. I'm going to move out soon. I'm just waiting for the right timing. I CAN'T TAKE HAVING A MONSTER AT HOME. Yes, and that monster happens to be my Dad. Sucks eh?
Have you ever felt the same feeling I do?
Do you have a good relationship with your Dad?
I'm not going to go marry Joel right away nor get babies. We might move in together but that's the least thing I could do in order for me to get away from home. I'm currently unemployed and I have no dough so where do you think I'm going? And besides we're planning of going to Sacramento to finish college which is an hour away from Modesto. So basically, it would keep me away from home and since Joel and I will go to the same school I'm considering of moving out with him. We talked about this countless of times and he'll support me in everything I do and he would love to have me. But on the contrary, my parents are bitches and they wouldn't let me. They're just being selfish and they don't think I would be able to finish school if ever I move out which is totally untrue. I have dreams, aspirations, and wants in life and I wouldn't just throw it out in the bin. I'm going to be a Nurse and Joel and I will do everything to reach that.
My parents are just irrational. And aside from that, Dad and I never really agreed about something ever and we always end up fighting. I think this moving out thing would help strengthen our relationship because he wouldn't see me as often as we are right now and vice versa. And the house is not as peaceful anymore. Well, since when did we became peaceful? Like when Dad went home to the Philippines months ago? Seriously speaking, I want to get out of the house, primarily because of Dad. I never felt so peaceful and happy in my life whenever he's at home. It's either he'd make a HUGE drama about ME or he's scream like hell for no particular reason or if ever he had one he doesn't need to shout. I hate it when people yells at me and Dad does that everyday. I can't keep up with it anymore. It has been 19 years, I'm done with it. I'm just praying that I get to find a job that I want pretty soon and start earning so they wouldn't have something to say when I finally decide to move out. But my thoughts are FINAL. I'm going to move out soon. I'm just waiting for the right timing. I CAN'T TAKE HAVING A MONSTER AT HOME. Yes, and that monster happens to be my Dad. Sucks eh?
Have you ever felt the same feeling I do?
Do you have a good relationship with your Dad?
Made love @ 12:46 AM
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Not again.
SWOOSH.
and he SCORED...AGAIN.
Made love @ 11:55 PM
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Take the lead.
Usually when I'm all alone and I get to ponder about things I, for the most part think about the ugliest things that could happen in our relationship. It's not that I enjoy seeing myself getting tormented. Let's just say I'm just the kind of person who is very afraid of what the future holds that I over think things and I'm a hundred steps ahead of what's about to happen. And because of my jerky cognitive thinking, it almost lead us to end the relationship. It started a week ago when I felt Joel and I were just totally a train wreck and the pieces are about to come off. We were like light bulbs that were about to die. Plants that were about to wither. We were at the brink of our relationship and we thought we needed to do something about it. We did the necessary things needed such as giving each other space to grow, try and act mature as possible, and not to let any stupid thing get in the way. It kinda did work out for a day or two but with a temper like mine, it won't really go that far. We were like cats and dogs for days and even my parents noticed that. They wouldn't say a word of course because they don't want to be a part of it but Mom would always tell me to fix it calmly with Joel. For that entire week as well, I hold on to my promise and never attempted in calling. He was happy about it and I was kinda getting used to it.
But something just came up last Monday that I couldn't seem to hold on to my emotion that I started rappin like a black bitch on the phone with him. We started screamin and yelling at each other and the next thing I know, I was already crying at the hotel lobby. The argument started very light then I started bringing back the past which made him really angry and I started screaming at him and the rest is history. The core of this isn't about our another stupid fight but how his Mom easily became my spiritual and emotional adviser in an instant. Right after we talked on the phone, I called his Mom cos he told me she needed to say something. I never thought she would come up to me and would understand me, really. She explained to me everything that I needed to know. Excerpts from our 30 minute conversation were:
"I never really wanted him to go down there but after he told me that he never felt so happy in a girl before and this was the first time he felt so in love, I knew it was time for me to let him go though it hurt me."
"I know how much Joel loves you. See, he even came all the way from NJ just to be with you because he said 'Mom I want to be with her every single day.'"
"You've got closer to me already and I don't want you to be fighting all the time."
"Boys have the tendency to be insensitive and of course us girls, we would want them to come after us. But Pao, not all guys are like that. I want you to be strong. You wouldn't go anywhere if you're weak. Joel's my son but I don't want to see you fail as a person that's why I'm telling this to you."
"Joel wouldn't ask a favor from me to talk to you if you are not special and if he doesn't love you."
This may sound repetitive, but again, having said that by his Mom was just major for me. I can't believe she actually said those words to me and so much more. All through out our phone conversation, there wasn't even a minute that she didn't tell me how much Joel loves me. And by the end of our conversation, she really made sure that I know that he loves me and he's willing to do everything just to save this relationship. I told her while crying that probably I was just stressing out because we haven't been spending time together for awhile plus the fact that he was supposed to come with us in Tahoe but then he went to LA. Actually she even said more but I just don't have the time to type it all here.
Joel had his talk with his Mom too and I think that made him realize a lot of things as well. I have no idea what they talked about but there's one thing I'm sure of... We're both getting there and this love couldn't get much deeper! We may be the most unpredictable couple there is but we are proud to say that no matter how weird we are no matter how HUGE the fight is, we never back down to anything for as long as the love is there, there's no room for goodbyes. It's not gonna be easy especially on my part because my patience couldn't handle that long, but he would always tell me "Just try and vision the bigger picture in the future. If you'll continue being a bitch then things won't work out for us." which is true and which I appreciate the most. It feels so good knowing that person you want to be with for the rest of your life share the same dreams with you. :))))))))))) I love JCP though he is an immature bitch.
So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.
- The Notebook.
Made love @ 4:37 AM
Thursday, August 6, 2009
1000 steps behind
Joel said
THE FLESH IS WILLING BUT THE SPIRIT IS WEAK.
CHEH! I'm trying my best here okay. I know I screwed up for the nth time but please give me time to adjust and get used to this. Just to let you know, this is not very easy. You know how much I want this to work out too and if you lose your trust in me then how could I trust myself either? Just have faith that I will be able to pull this off with a smile on my face. I know I have been acting grumpy and been bitching at you lately yet you're still doing the best that you can in order to keep me calm. Thank you for always being there for me and for tolerating my bitchiness. I already asked for God's intercession so He'll guide me through this. Pray with me that in time, my spirit will be strong enough to face whatever challenges life throws at me/us. I want you to be my last love and in order for that to happen we need to iron out the behaviors we don't like with each other. And I think that's what we're kinda doing right now. Just help me go through this and in time, I would be able to adopt it and there would be no screwing up and bitching. I swear! I love you! :">
4:51am and he just left the house. :))))))))))
THE FLESH IS WILLING BUT THE SPIRIT IS WEAK.
CHEH! I'm trying my best here okay. I know I screwed up for the nth time but please give me time to adjust and get used to this. Just to let you know, this is not very easy. You know how much I want this to work out too and if you lose your trust in me then how could I trust myself either? Just have faith that I will be able to pull this off with a smile on my face. I know I have been acting grumpy and been bitching at you lately yet you're still doing the best that you can in order to keep me calm. Thank you for always being there for me and for tolerating my bitchiness. I already asked for God's intercession so He'll guide me through this. Pray with me that in time, my spirit will be strong enough to face whatever challenges life throws at me/us. I want you to be my last love and in order for that to happen we need to iron out the behaviors we don't like with each other. And I think that's what we're kinda doing right now. Just help me go through this and in time, I would be able to adopt it and there would be no screwing up and bitching. I swear! I love you! :">
4:51am and he just left the house. :))))))))))
Made love @ 4:52 AM
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Difficult measures
So the typical boyfriend/girlfriend daily routine kinda changed. I don't think this is somehow going to make the relationship stronger but I'll give it a try. You know how the saying goes "Too much togetherness can cause boredom and tension within the relationship?" Well, we're kinda experiencing unexpected downfalls in our relationship right now but I'm not saying that we're on the stage where we get bored with each other. We've just been arguing a lot lately and I think that could be one of the reasons why we find our relationship not healthy anymore. I get pissed over the slightest things and same with Joel. I demand too much of his time which is not also right. He has a life of his own and I don't have to control that. If he really wants to be with me then he would make an effort in doing so right? I don't have to make all the moves myself because I'm just making things hard for me.
So the deals were:
1. No annoying phone calls. What he meant by that was no calling in between basket ball practice or no checking up on him every hour. I would like to make a comment on that because I don't normally call him every hour. I have a life too but I do call him A LOT. I'm guilty of that and he told me that his friends have been teasing him cos his phone rings all time whenever they play ball. So to take off the embarrassment, I shall not call. I will wait til he calls me.
2. From now on, he will control the situation rather than me. I have been.. let's admit it the one wearing the pants in the relationship for months now and I think it's time for me to give back the thrown. And I kinda felt that I wasn't worthy enough to "wear it" because I'm too controlling and I don't think it would help.
3. Last but definitely the least, since he has his friends already and they're sort of staying at his apartment most of the time, he can't stay here at home that long anymore. But that's not the worse part. There could be times when he can't even come here anymore because he's too busy accommodating his friends and such. It's hard on my part cos for the last 8 months, we've been together everyday and he never leaves my side. But now it all has to change. We need to work out our schedule and he can't come here whenever I want him to come except for important reasons.
So this was the deal that made me really sad and it started off today. We didn't talk on the phone that much and whenever he'd call he would just ask how I was doing and he's about to do this and do that. I know that's all the boyfriend/girlfriend has to do but I got inclined in talking to him on the phone, so I wasn't used of the 1-minute-phone calls. But what made my day was when he called in the middle of nowhere and asked me to dress up because he'll come pick me up. It feels rewarding knowing that after hours of sacrificing of not calling him and making kulit, he made an effort to go here 30 minutes after his basket ball practice. He said "Doesn't it feel different now that you don't always have to hit me with phrases like 'YOU NEED TO BE HOME NOW'". And I couldn't agree more. It feels really different knowing that he came here because he wanted too and not just because I told him to come. I'm really crossing my fingers on this one that this bullshit of not seeing each other that much and the act of being "emotionally dependent" would work.
I'm just talking this "change" one day at a time and I will for sure realize the importance of this. I'm just putting all my thoughts together thinking that this would really make our relationship even stronger. I just have to think that this absence will make our hearts even grow fonder. And I do believe in order to have a good relationship we must be emotionally dependent, especially me. So in order to this to work out, we need a little space to grow as individuals. And of course I should always keep in mind that Joel just wants the best for us and I believe that he loves me that's why he doesn't want this to be ruined. I just hope I would be able to manage this. AJA.
So the deals were:
1. No annoying phone calls. What he meant by that was no calling in between basket ball practice or no checking up on him every hour. I would like to make a comment on that because I don't normally call him every hour. I have a life too but I do call him A LOT. I'm guilty of that and he told me that his friends have been teasing him cos his phone rings all time whenever they play ball. So to take off the embarrassment, I shall not call. I will wait til he calls me.
2. From now on, he will control the situation rather than me. I have been.. let's admit it the one wearing the pants in the relationship for months now and I think it's time for me to give back the thrown. And I kinda felt that I wasn't worthy enough to "wear it" because I'm too controlling and I don't think it would help.
3. Last but definitely the least, since he has his friends already and they're sort of staying at his apartment most of the time, he can't stay here at home that long anymore. But that's not the worse part. There could be times when he can't even come here anymore because he's too busy accommodating his friends and such. It's hard on my part cos for the last 8 months, we've been together everyday and he never leaves my side. But now it all has to change. We need to work out our schedule and he can't come here whenever I want him to come except for important reasons.
So this was the deal that made me really sad and it started off today. We didn't talk on the phone that much and whenever he'd call he would just ask how I was doing and he's about to do this and do that. I know that's all the boyfriend/girlfriend has to do but I got inclined in talking to him on the phone, so I wasn't used of the 1-minute-phone calls. But what made my day was when he called in the middle of nowhere and asked me to dress up because he'll come pick me up. It feels rewarding knowing that after hours of sacrificing of not calling him and making kulit, he made an effort to go here 30 minutes after his basket ball practice. He said "Doesn't it feel different now that you don't always have to hit me with phrases like 'YOU NEED TO BE HOME NOW'". And I couldn't agree more. It feels really different knowing that he came here because he wanted too and not just because I told him to come. I'm really crossing my fingers on this one that this bullshit of not seeing each other that much and the act of being "emotionally dependent" would work.
I'm just talking this "change" one day at a time and I will for sure realize the importance of this. I'm just putting all my thoughts together thinking that this would really make our relationship even stronger. I just have to think that this absence will make our hearts even grow fonder. And I do believe in order to have a good relationship we must be emotionally dependent, especially me. So in order to this to work out, we need a little space to grow as individuals. And of course I should always keep in mind that Joel just wants the best for us and I believe that he loves me that's why he doesn't want this to be ruined. I just hope I would be able to manage this. AJA.
Made love @ 2:20 AM
Monday, August 3, 2009
We miss you Clover!!!!!!!!!!
It was only last week when my brother excitedly told me that 2 of Clover's teeth fell off. I didn't understood why he was all excited and I was all composed when he said that not until my Mom explained to me that it somehow embarked Clover's maturity. After hearing that, I felt a little boo boo in my heart knowing that Clover is not getting any younger anymore. She's growing up really fast and I don't think I'd handle that. I would have wanted her to remain a puppy all our lives but I have to accept the ugly truth. I made my way to Joel's house right after and showed him Clover's tooth. He surprisingly was not grumpy when I showed him knowing that it was freakin early in the morning. I saw his gesture of looking towards the tooth and acknowledging it even though I know he was really sleepy to look. It was merely just last week when this all happened......then the next thing we know we lost Clover and we don't know where she could have been. :(((((((((
Joel and I rushed to the Dog pound early this morning getting our hopes up finding Clover there. We were praying since last night that hopefully they found Clover along the street and that she's safe and they'll give her back to us. On our way there, I was nervous..like I'm about to throw up. I already had this feeling that she wasn't there and we'd end up getting frustrated and I was right. Joel went to check out the found dogs inside the shelter and Clover wasn't there. :((( I started crying when he said "There are a lot of puppies there Babe. Do you want to adopt instead?" I know in my heart that no matter how cute the puppies were, I wouldn't trade Clover over them. He hugged me really tight and promised me that we'll look for Clover around Modesto. Now I'm at my school's library printing flyers out. I'm really praying to God that sooner or later someone with a good heart would return Clover to her rightful owners. I have never realized her worth not until yesterday. I know I often get mad at her for being too hyper active but I just want her to know that I love her beyond words. She was our very first "bundle of joy" and I coudn't ask for a better dog than Clover. Now that she's nowhere to be found, I feel like I'm about to lose my child too. It hurts. It badly hurts that I just want to cry it out and do the best that I can in order to find her. I'm asking a little favor if you could please pray with me. We are already desperate. We love Clover so much, especially Joel. He's affected more than I am for he's always with Clover. :((((((( Clover please come home! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much!!!! :((((( We promise to get you a new Chew bone when you get back and and a new pink collar. We love you and you are greatly missed!!! :((((((
Joel and I rushed to the Dog pound early this morning getting our hopes up finding Clover there. We were praying since last night that hopefully they found Clover along the street and that she's safe and they'll give her back to us. On our way there, I was nervous..like I'm about to throw up. I already had this feeling that she wasn't there and we'd end up getting frustrated and I was right. Joel went to check out the found dogs inside the shelter and Clover wasn't there. :((( I started crying when he said "There are a lot of puppies there Babe. Do you want to adopt instead?" I know in my heart that no matter how cute the puppies were, I wouldn't trade Clover over them. He hugged me really tight and promised me that we'll look for Clover around Modesto. Now I'm at my school's library printing flyers out. I'm really praying to God that sooner or later someone with a good heart would return Clover to her rightful owners. I have never realized her worth not until yesterday. I know I often get mad at her for being too hyper active but I just want her to know that I love her beyond words. She was our very first "bundle of joy" and I coudn't ask for a better dog than Clover. Now that she's nowhere to be found, I feel like I'm about to lose my child too. It hurts. It badly hurts that I just want to cry it out and do the best that I can in order to find her. I'm asking a little favor if you could please pray with me. We are already desperate. We love Clover so much, especially Joel. He's affected more than I am for he's always with Clover. :((((((( Clover please come home! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much!!!! :((((( We promise to get you a new Chew bone when you get back and and a new pink collar. We love you and you are greatly missed!!! :((((((
We are a happy family.... :(((((( We miss you Clover!!! :(((((
Made love @ 11:57 AM
I stood still
I don't normally blog about the fights Joel and I encounter as a couple because I don't see the point. But now that it has gotten to a point where I can't take it anymore and I need to blog it out, I think it's almost time to let the people know that we are not a happy couple just like what I have been frontin for 9 straight months. We are not a perfect couple like everybody else. We fight a lot and most often than not, I always end up crying. There are just some things that boys don't understand. I don't blame him for being stupid cos boys are just born that way and I am not responsible for that. If girls are born to be immature and overly dramatic then boys are born stupid and callous! For 9 straight months, I try and front it like I'm strong and all but honestly, acting strong is not fun. You need to feel invincible like you can face anything that comes your way, but fuck that I'm tired of being invincible.
I'm the weakest person there is in the universe and do you think it was easy for me to be frontin like that? Hellzfuckingno. I only did that because I didn't want people to sympathize me. After all that I've been through with T----, I don't think I still deserve this kind of treatment. When I dated him I thought everything will turn upside down. I thought it will all be better. Well, actually it did for a while....then it sucked...then next day we're fine...then the next we're not. For almost 5 months we were on a roller coaster trying to figure out which way we're going through. And bitch it wasn't easy. I'd always find myself crying in the middle of the night because God knows how much I wanted this to work but how can we work things out if your significant other isn't even ready? It takes two to tango right? I can't do it alone.
I don't want him to sound so mean cos I know I had my "terrible" share in the relationship too. I'm seriously a control-freak, a little bit paranoid, and I'm such a jealous bitch. I know my attitude is intolerable and I sometimes don't think before I act. I get hysterical most of the time and he hates that. But FTW, that's all he's complaining. MY FRIGGIN ATTITUDE. He should thank me for heaven's sake cos I don't flirt around, talk to random boys, and do things that I know would ruin the relationship. I always take consideration our relationship and that's one thing I think he didn't had. I'm not saying that he didn't do me any good at all because out of 100, I'd give him a 70 for a job well done. Let's just say he screwed up that 30 percent up to it's highest level. Up to the level where I almost gave up and just let God take over.
BUT. There's always a but. After all the bullshit he has done to me and the time where he tripped and I was almost leading towards break up, I still gave him a second chance. Well actually scratch that because the chance was not given, it was already obvious. My friends were telling me that even if he didn't ask for it, I'd still give it to him whole-heartedly, and they were exactly right. Even after all the turmoil we've been through and we're dealing still, I get surprised every waking hour of the day I find myself day dreaming about him just like before. Like it never changed at all. Like I'm still in love with him the way I was in love with him the first time we actually went out. I'm aware that God can't do much and He's only there to guide, it's my call 99%.
Right now we're undergoing another downfall in our relationship and I'm just praying that he won't screw up big time because I don't know by then what would I be doing. Would you believe that after all these I still trust my guy? Well believe it or not, I still do and I will continue to trust him no matter what. I'm giving him the privilege I never gave to any of my exes and I hope he'd give importance to it. More than anything, honestly is the most important factor in a relationship because if there's no trust there's no love. I'm sorry Joel Carlos if I made you sound like a total crap but you know how much I love you and despite all the ugly things I said, you will always remain to be my ANGEL without a halo. HAHAHAH. I love you so much that I'm willing to forget everything for the sake of our relationship. We'll get better, I believe in US. :))
I'm the weakest person there is in the universe and do you think it was easy for me to be frontin like that? Hellzfuckingno. I only did that because I didn't want people to sympathize me. After all that I've been through with T----, I don't think I still deserve this kind of treatment. When I dated him I thought everything will turn upside down. I thought it will all be better. Well, actually it did for a while....then it sucked...then next day we're fine...then the next we're not. For almost 5 months we were on a roller coaster trying to figure out which way we're going through. And bitch it wasn't easy. I'd always find myself crying in the middle of the night because God knows how much I wanted this to work but how can we work things out if your significant other isn't even ready? It takes two to tango right? I can't do it alone.
I don't want him to sound so mean cos I know I had my "terrible" share in the relationship too. I'm seriously a control-freak, a little bit paranoid, and I'm such a jealous bitch. I know my attitude is intolerable and I sometimes don't think before I act. I get hysterical most of the time and he hates that. But FTW, that's all he's complaining. MY FRIGGIN ATTITUDE. He should thank me for heaven's sake cos I don't flirt around, talk to random boys, and do things that I know would ruin the relationship. I always take consideration our relationship and that's one thing I think he didn't had. I'm not saying that he didn't do me any good at all because out of 100, I'd give him a 70 for a job well done. Let's just say he screwed up that 30 percent up to it's highest level. Up to the level where I almost gave up and just let God take over.
BUT. There's always a but. After all the bullshit he has done to me and the time where he tripped and I was almost leading towards break up, I still gave him a second chance. Well actually scratch that because the chance was not given, it was already obvious. My friends were telling me that even if he didn't ask for it, I'd still give it to him whole-heartedly, and they were exactly right. Even after all the turmoil we've been through and we're dealing still, I get surprised every waking hour of the day I find myself day dreaming about him just like before. Like it never changed at all. Like I'm still in love with him the way I was in love with him the first time we actually went out. I'm aware that God can't do much and He's only there to guide, it's my call 99%.
Right now we're undergoing another downfall in our relationship and I'm just praying that he won't screw up big time because I don't know by then what would I be doing. Would you believe that after all these I still trust my guy? Well believe it or not, I still do and I will continue to trust him no matter what. I'm giving him the privilege I never gave to any of my exes and I hope he'd give importance to it. More than anything, honestly is the most important factor in a relationship because if there's no trust there's no love. I'm sorry Joel Carlos if I made you sound like a total crap but you know how much I love you and despite all the ugly things I said, you will always remain to be my ANGEL without a halo. HAHAHAH. I love you so much that I'm willing to forget everything for the sake of our relationship. We'll get better, I believe in US. :))
Made love @ 3:32 AM
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Undying gratitude to YOU.
I'm putting my Yellow Ribbon up in honor of the late President Corazon Aquino.I just finished watching The Buzz and I can't help but cry the entire time Kris narrated the last 31 days she was with her Mom. It was detailed so I know it was so hard for her to go back and reminisce how everything happened. Every tear she shed, I shed it with her. Yes I do cry a lot especially when things like this happen but this one's different. Our nation just lost a Mother and we're all grieving. How much more do you think Kris is feeling right now that she has lost her own? I felt her pain and I extend my deepest condolences to the Aquino family.
I may have not been able to see how you ran the country and how you were as a President, but having the entire Nation to tell me how good you were is too much already. You have inspired a lot of people and you are truly such an Icon of Democracy. You restored our Nation's democracy and we owe it all to you. You have not only touched the hearts of those people whom you were closest to, but you have touched millions of lives around the world. I salute you, the life you lived, and most especially for being the best President the Philippines ever had. God chose you to be our President during that time to make you His instrument of peace and justice. Your children and apos were very lucky to have you as their Mom and Grandma because you have shown them nothing but pure love and affection. Our country was and still is lucky that we were able to have a Mother who was courageous enough to fight for our freedom and whom we know, who truly loved her countrymen. May God be with you always and may you rest in peace Madam President.
PS: I know you're with Ninoy already and it makes me happy knowing that. Probably the Filipinos are somewhat relieved that though we lost you, you are finally with the man you love and with God of course. :) Your legacy will linger forever!
Made love @ 6:33 AM
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Online Friends!
It's 3:41 in the morning and I feel a little nostalgic. I want to blog about a lot of things but I can't seem to gather all my thoughts and make a decent blog. I haven't done this in a while so excuse me if I trip on this one. Lately, I have been thinking about my Online buddies which by the way, I haven't heard of in such a long time. I know a lot of people know this, but before I got my "life" back, I used to be a bum at home with a laptop on my hand. I swear, I was the biggest loser in Modesto and I felt bad for myself. I tried doing things that could somehow stop me from isolating myself but I can't seem to focus. It fees like a part of me wants something...something I have to find out myself.
I thought it was my call for sports but dear God, right after that ball hit my head I said to myself I will never play that sport again. Then a job was offered to me a week after that but I'm going to take care of an Autistic child and I need to sleep over. I don't want to sound so maarte and all but I don't think I could handle that. I couldn't even take hold of James, wtf. Then this love for MR got me so interested and I began to research about her and stumbled into her "friendly abode." I started making friends the moment I signed up and I swear to God, they were the best friends I never had! Aside from the lovely lovely fact that we have the same likes and dislikes, we were all about the same age which made the discussions more interesting! After several months of looking for something that was missing, I finally got the last piece to my puzzle, it was my cyber friends. Actually scratch that, I don't consider them my web/cybe/online friends because they truly are my FRIENDS.
Since everybody came from different walks of life, we all learned from each other I think? Especially me. I learned a lot of tagalog gay linggos too! HAHAHA. And I have improved in Tagalog ever since I talked to them. I'm not saying that I can't speak fluent Tagalog because we usually converse in tagalog whenever I talk to my Mom, but it just got better! I became updated with the whatnots in the Philippines too because of them. I don't ask but they just talk about it and I love it. One thing I really love about them is that they never ever ran out of things to say. They just keep on rappin, and rappin, and rappin! They won't stop!!
But the thing that really touched my heart was when they started to talk about their lives to me and how their day went. Those little things that they share to me made me feel so special and I have never felt so trusted in my whole life. Knowing that you just met her online and you don't know a single thing about her yet she trusts you..that's the best thing ever! I was often told by some people that I should never talk to people online because they're too dangerous and it would give you nothing but a headache but they're were wrong! My friends proved them wrong. They were the greatest friends I never had and I thank God for that! It has been more than a year now since I knew them and I feel so bad because I haven't talked to them in a while. God knows how much I missed my life online but I'm quite happy having my life back too.
To Adrei, Hannah, Samantha, Leslie, and Ate Kate whom I was the closest to, thank you so much for all the time you've spent with me. Those late night convos in YM, our funny yet memorable chats over the forum and a whole lot more will always be remembered. I miss talking to you guys and I don't know what's up with you anymore. If I only have the power to juggle my time with my boyfriend, family, school, and online life then I would still be talking to you right now. But ever since we dated, I know I know, I just got so busy and haven't even been to the forum anymore. But anyhow, I'm just thankful that no matter how busy I am and though I kinda been ignoring your presence I could feel that you still consider me as you friend. I'm sorry if I kinda made you feel that way but that's not what I wanted to do. Probably I'm just a little confused on how to manage my time but I want you to know that I still care about you guys and I still want to see you when I get back. December it is! I hope I could all see you and spend some lovin time with you. :)))))))))) Thank you for your friendship and everything that goes along with it. Love youuuu guys!
P.S: This doesn't only go to those people whom I mentioned above but also to those people whom I got to talk to and who were really nice to me. I guess you all know who you are. Thank you so much for everything. :)) To all my Ate's out there you guys are the greatest!
Made love @ 5:52 AM
As what they always say, the cover doesn`t describe the inner content perfectly. I live my life the way i want it to be and as much as possible I don`t want anyone to take control of it. My parents and I usually argue just about everything because I stand by my principles. If I want something to happen, even if my parents won't approve to it, I'd still do it. I'm almost an adult and no one tells me what to do. I want I don`t consider myself "normal" because normal is boring. I go beyond that word, but I am not abnormal either. I'm just different from other people which makes me unique. I wear the fanciest clothes, paint the brightest nail colors, wear the most hideous make up but I don't care.
Contrary to what others are saying not a war freak, I just speak my mind, and for the most part I don`t think before I act. I speak sarcasm and a lot of people get offended by it. I have changed a lot, and I thank America for that! =)