Monday, October 20, 2008
Garbage Much.
I am "home sicked" and it`s not even funny. But it`s not homesick as in I`m missing home kind of way, maybe it is more of like heart sick for all the things that i cant get back. Idk, its just hard for me to define myself. I live in the past, in the memories I have, with the people I love and it sucks big time. It`s hard for me to fall in love, it`s hard for me to commit myself to others and it`s hard for me to take risks simply because I`m still attached to my past.
But I was wrong.
I must learn to let go and open my heart once again. I know it wouldn`t be easy, but I have to. It surprises me sometimes that I don`t think about "him" that much anymore. He`s becoming indiscernible in my life and I want to happen it that way. Thank you so much babe for helping me get through my hell life. I thank Joel in particular because he saw the beauty in me which "him" never did see. He made me feel that I am worth loving and just like what I said in my previous blog, he keeps me going.
Okaaay back to first love, you know what I have learned lately? I swear, you wouldn`t even consider this, but I have learned that I don`t actually "miss" First love. What I miss is the good memories we shared together and the things he used to do for me. He is this one guy that would do anything for love. He was close to perfect and he is every girl`s dream boy. Haha. Seriously. That is why his girlfriend can`t blame me. "He" was my first ever serious boyfriend. We had this intimate relationship for more or less 4 fuckin years- the first two years were awkward and the last two were the major ones. So tell me, do you think I DON`T have the reason to act like this? Bullshit.
But then again, whatever. I am so over this issue and I don`t want to bring this all up again. I am much much better now. I know where I made mistakes and I won`t commit such flaws again. I am happy with my life right now and things just get better and better everyday. Whatever Joel and I both have, it may last for awhile or for a lifetime, I don`t care. All I know is that he loves me, I love him and it`s all that matters. =)
P.S: I just talked to my friend Shana and she just told me that THE CURRENT GIRLFRIEND is still talking trash about me. Well not quite, but she still asks random questions, pinipilit pa din na hindi daw true love, na I was immature and all that crap. You know what Girl, the only thing I could tell you is MOVE ON. I have moved on, so sana ikaw din. Yes I know you don`t care about me because you don`t even know me personally- right on bitch I don`t know you personally too. So why be insecure? =) Pero don`t worry, once I get back (which is next yeat) I will be the one to introduce myself to you ng bonggang bongga. =) I am already happy with Him, so whatever issues you and Tilos are going through, I`m out of it. I am happy regardless the nasty shit your garbage mouth is saying. =) Anu daw? Pota. Haha. Babye na.
Made love @ 2:45 AM
As what they always say, the cover doesn`t describe the inner content perfectly. I live my life the way i want it to be and as much as possible I don`t want anyone to take control of it. My parents and I usually argue just about everything because I stand by my principles. If I want something to happen, even if my parents won't approve to it, I'd still do it. I'm almost an adult and no one tells me what to do. I want I don`t consider myself "normal" because normal is boring. I go beyond that word, but I am not abnormal either. I'm just different from other people which makes me unique. I wear the fanciest clothes, paint the brightest nail colors, wear the most hideous make up but I don't care.
Contrary to what others are saying not a war freak, I just speak my mind, and for the most part I don`t think before I act. I speak sarcasm and a lot of people get offended by it. I have changed a lot, and I thank America for that! =)