I think I`ve finally come to the harsh realization that he`s never going to be mine. As in never. I know you guys would tell me I told you so, but whatever. Shit happens most of the time and I have nothing to do about it. It's done, it was my fault and I can't blame any other person but myself. But just like what I've said, Whatever. After what happened last June 24th, I promised myself that I would never ever put myself into humiliation again, never! It was like the most horrible feeling in the world- be humiliated by someone you truly love. I wouldn't spare any infos na lang for he might or his friends might read this post and I could pretty much picture out what I will happen to me so I better stay shut.

Anyhow, after the incident I only realized one thing- that sometimes it doesn't really pay off to be patient. Teachers would always remind us way back in High School in the saying Patience is a Virtue, that's why I was really persistent in winning him back and that waiting for 1 year was just a piece of cake. But look what happened to me? What did I get? Nothing. Instead I got hurtful words from the person I never thought would say that to me. I was bitch-slapped with words that you would never want to hear and words that I never knew he would come up with. But then again, Whatever you know. As much as I wanted to care about what happened, I'll just let it slip and wait til the time that it'll be washed away in my mind and to finally forget about this blood-curdling episode in my life.

But despite what happened and no matter how many things may change, he`ll always be My Boo. He was my first love and pretty much my one true love so the feelings won't fade just like that. I know it would take me sometime before I can finally say that I have moved on but I trust God and I trust myself that I could move on and little by little it'll fade and it'll feel like I never loved him. Tira Tira.

Those super strong feelings I used to have aren't there anymore. And for the first time in so long, I really don't care. I am starting to pick myself up and I will go on with my life. I'm less lonely because God is helping me go through these and there are people who loves me. I don't need one person for me to be happy and enjoy life, I got more than what I thought I have and I couldn't be any happier. But of course there are times where I long to have someone who I can run to crying on a bad day and they just have to hug me and every thing's okay. Or where we can sit and stare at each other for hours without saying a word, yet knowing exactly what the other is feeling and saying. It's the little things I miss most. I know I'll find my guy eventually; I just get lonely. But I guess it's just so normal. So I'm ready to move on with my life, and have it get better. Because I've gone through a lot in the past year, and it's about time I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will be happier; I just wish I would be in the next months or so. I'm only going up from here- and I still have a long way to go. :)

~ and to the girl who thinks she own the world, you could have your boyfriend. Suck him in your juice box!! He is all yours now and I won't ever attempt in getting back with him anymore. Feel secure now because there's no backing up, I am seriously closing my doors for him.

P.S: Whew. That was a long vent. But anyhow please do still expect me to blog about him once in awhile. I am very fickle minded and sometimes I myself doesn't even know what will happen next. So yeah. :) Thanks for taking your time in reading my blog. I thought I would never put what I felt into words, but I'm so glad I did. Toodles biiiitches.

XOXO
Paula is


I'm not yet in the mood to blog about the humiliation I've been through couple days ago. There's just so many details and I just can't seem to comprehend. But what amazes me though is that I didn't cried that much at all. I mean of course I did but it was just a 5 minute-urahab, then after that I went straight to bed as early as 8 pm.

Thank You Tilos for giving me the Summer that I will never ever forget.
June 24, 2008- Thank You So Much.


And I am back!! :D

Whoohoo. I just got back from my 4-day-vacation in San Diego and Los Angeles yesterday and I really had a blast! Now, I could really say that Summer's here and I am looking forward for more Summer treats for me and my brother!! The Island or Ranging Waters PLEASEEEEEE!!

Anyhow, we went to Sea World on our first day and I had so much fun! Apart from the fact that it was our first time, I was so amazed on how they were able to train the animals and how a huge fuckin killer whale could jump so high and do a lot of tricks- even the Sea Lions and Dolphins too. They were hella jumping around the Stadium the whole time and I was nakaka nga nga the whole time as well. Hahaha. It was so much fun in Sea World than in Disneyland. Pffft. Disneyland is BLAH while Sea World is WHOA! Hahaha. Well if you're with kids under 10 years old, I bet they'll enjoy Disneyland than Sea World but whatevs, Sea World still tops my list!!

And then we went to this The Journey to Atlantis ride and that was the Fuck-est ride ever!! I swear it was worse than Jurassic and The Mummy Ride. I didn't know that it was a fuckin roller coaster!! It thought it was just like Jurassic that you will only have one big long drop but in that ride, hindi lang one big long drop, there were fuckin large loops and stuffs!! After the ride feeling ko nahiwalay yung soul ko sa katawan ko e. Hahahaha. :)) Here's out picture oh. I know I looked super sabaw in that picture but hello, try mo kayang sumakay dun. Let's see if your face won't turn out that way. Hahaha.

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The day after Sea World, we ventured Universal Studious AGAIN. Yes, again. It was already our 3rd time in Universal but it wasn't nakaka umay at all. US was my first love before Sea World came into the picture so I was really excited of having an annual pass before so para magamit na lang we went there after. :) Nothing has changed except for the Krusty Land ride. It was more of like "Back to the future" kind of thing. It was fun but walang thrill or something just like in Journey to Atlantis, Jurassic and The Mummy ride. It was more of for the kids than for the adult ride. Hahaha. But my brother was hella closing his eyes the whole time because he was fuckin scared. How's that huh? The thingie wasn't even moving at all but he was scared. Nice one.

It was more fun lang this time because we were super madami. We were like 21 who where there, 4 families. Hahaha. Spell fun and LOUD? As in swear sa lahat ng rides eh di sabay sabay kami, ang iingay namin pramis. Kulang na lang talaga sumuko ung operator. Hahaha. But it was all good though because everybody had fun and this year's summer, I really had a blast!! I am still looking forward for moreee Mom and Dad! Hahaha. I am making parineg that I wanted to go visit Ranging Waters in San Jose. We're super itim na talaga as in sunburn everywhere na kami so para isang pag itim na lang. Hahaha. Ayun IM AWT!


I really have no idea if this is true or whatnot because the date stated here is overdue. Super tagal na but since it concerns the kids, I really have to post this.




Friendster Layout

All of my layouts are free. Yes people, they're for free!! So grab em now!! :)) But before grabbing some I just want to kindly please read the do's and dont's first before actually using my codes. Thank You. :] In the service of the Filipino, World Wide. :]

P.S: You just got to hear Toni G's "One Hello". It's freakin one of the best renditions I ever heard so far! And ugh, her music video was awesome too, she was so pretty. I can't wait til I hear Catherine's. Hahaha. Close? Hmm. That's it. Mwah.


Okaaay guys I am going to revise my bonggang "Birthday Wish" (scan over my previous posts) to a very absolute yet very significant desire I want to receive on my 18th Birthday. Before, I always thought that 18th Birthdays should always be celebrated in a very bongga matter and Debuts are always pinagkakagastosan but I came to a clear realization that not all debuts are celebrated that way and I am not going to celebrate mine "THAT WAY". I may be very materialistic and maarte most of the time but I am so like Blair Waldorf. She is a fuckin' bitchy girl on the outside but a squeaky shallow kid on the inside. So here are my "revised" Birthday Wishes. :]

• The only material thing I really want to have on my Birthday is the Powershot Canon SD950. Compared to DLSR, Sd950 is a lot cheaper and would really satisfy my need in photography. (I'm not really into photography, this is just for my own biga or in tagalog, kaartehan.)
  
• I want to be greeted on National TV by Mariel Rodriguez. Yes dude, I am big fan! :] Hahaha. I know it's quite impossible but I thought about it couple days ago and that is one priceless gift I really want to receive on my birthday. I want to hear her say "Happy 18th Birthday to Paula Roldan of Modesto California! I love You!" Haha. Okaay the "I love You" is optional since we haven't met yet, but she could still say it in order for me to be "extra" happy though she doesn't mean it. Hahaha Orrr somebody could simply record her say "Happy Birthday" even if it's not on National Tv. It doesn't really matter, as long as she greets me I'm fine. I think I have to make an effort in talking to my Uncle who works in Abs and my Cousin as well for that big big favor.
  
• I want to finish my Maths in College with a better grade. I pretty suck at it so I am really praying to God that he'll help me go through this. Maths is not my cup of tea obviously and I am afraid that I might flunk my subject and end up taking it over and over again. Oh hell no!!
• This is my daily prayer but whatever! I want Papa God to still lengthen the life of my Mama (Grandma) and make her as strong as I am. I can't picture out myself living without Mama. That's like living with no food to eat and no water to drink. :| And also of course, Good Health for the entire family not just Mama.
• And last but not the least, All I want Papa God to help me fix things up between me and Tilos. I am really hoping that we could be friends again or at least just fix whatever that we have to fix before my birthday. It's already killing me and I can't take it no more. So please please please please if God can't do anything about it, be my guardian angel and help me with this?

So there, I said it all no more no less. If I could achieve all these on my 18th Birthday I would surely be the happiest Debutant in the world!! I am not obliging you guys to do all these things for me nagpaparineg lang ako. Hahahaha. Okaaaay, I was just bored and thought about blogging, WITH SENSE. BYERS.












..Bonding Moments with my brother. :p We were helluh bored because there's nothing else to do. Mommy has work while Daddy, he was at his friend's house getting sober! Hahaha. So there. :)) I'm sorry the middle part of the song was sabog, we didn't had so much time to practice. Hahaha.


You guys have to congratulate me for not thinking about Tilos for almost a week now. I told you, it will come to a point where all my feelings for him will just fade away and little by little I won't be thinking about him anymore. It's kinda bizzare though because after I blogged my last entry about him, it felt like SWOSH it's all gone. I'm not saying that it's premanently gone but I am working on it and soon enough it wouldn't hurt no more.

I've been trying to keep up with things lately and I think I`ve been doing a good job. I already took off his pictures on my wall, I took his picture out of my desk, I took his pictures out of my wallet, I deleted his pictures on my laptop, I deleted the videos I made for him, I am putting a gap between Me and his friends or one of his Family members, (except for Justin Fuentes, cuz that is not going to happen. haha) I am flirting with this one guy and soon enough I will delete his Friendster Account so I wouldn't have any access to him anymore. Oh Shooooor. Hahaha. I'm not quite sure about that but we will see.

I guess I am already on the stage of acceptance. Or is this just for a while? I'm not sure but what is important, I am making ways. I don't want to be a Prisoner of Love forever, I don't want to mourn all my life nor wait for someone who would't even care talking to me. Like what I've said before, I think after all that I've been through and after all the heartaches I had, I also deserve to be happy. Even though I am doing all these stuff to help myself forget about him, he will and forever remain in my heart. I may never had the chance to win him back and lost the battle of love, atleast I had all the guts and tried my ass. :]


Tilos,
All I want for you is to be happy, after all you're my best friend. I can't beg you to stay if you want to be with someone you truly love. I don't have the license to own you but it's just so hard to let you go after all that we've been through together. I thought our love was forever, I though I will always have you but what is left for me are the good memories we made together. I'll always have our memories. And she will always have you. Sweet fate has a way of changing just when we don't want it to. So now I will throw away the chains, I'll let our love fly away.

I am putting up my white flag. It's okay though because even if I can't have you, at least I was able to know I had you.

Til our roads cross again, Tilos Mikhail.






Wenk. Nooooooope I didn't kill anyone. Hahahaha.

<- What's effin funny Paula Roldan?

..this is just one of my 1293712837123 pictures taken this afternoon by my Dearest Brother. Yup, I had my pictorial today and he took all the 318230193183 pictures. Hahahaha. I was feeling my make up because Mommy said I looked like a Fake Barbie Doll, take note, Fake Barbie Doll because of my uber pink lips so I decided to just dress up and take the time of my life and have my pictorial with the help of Max of course! Hahaha. (uyyy friends na!!)

It's always fun having your own little pictorial because aside from taking pictures and putting it all up either in your FB, FSTER, MULTI and MYSPCE you can actually get to practice different kind of poses so that when the right time comes, you won't get lost in the middle of pictorial. Hahaha. And you know what that "time comes" means. Hahaha. But anyhow, I am not even on my way there yet. This is not yet the right time to pursue my dreams. I still have fuckin Nursing classes to attend to and moreeeeee numbers to encounter before I finally.... You know. Mommy said, I can't do "my thing" if I can't finish college. Psssh like hello?! Hahahahaha. Mkaaaay Imma stop. I'm becoming very arrogant already. :] But hey, doesn't this picture look great? HAHAHAHAHAHA. I mean it wasn't candid but I managed to give my best shot and the outcome was effin nice. HAHAHA. Sorry ha, ma feeling ako e.

Anyhow, I just talked to my Tita from the Philippines and she was asking me if how am I doing here in the States. I was like "Tita!! I was never been productive in my entire life not until I got here!' Hahahaha. Seriously speaking though. I mean staying here in America is partly like staying inside PBB house. You have to cook for your own self, you have to wash your clothes, you have to learn things that you haven't got the chance to learn when you were at home. No yayas, no drivers, no boys, no nothing!! She was even telling me how proud she was of me because in a span of 1 year I learned almost all the household chores!! And I too, was proud of myself! Like seriously, this was like an achievement for me!! Hahaha.

and I just came to realize that Doritos tastes way way way WAY better than Tostillas. You know the Chips that we have in the Philippines? HAHAHAHAHA. :)) Sorry for being random. Byeee.


OMG, I can`t believe I am already out of High School. Like seriously, it felt like it was just only yesterday that I got into the portals of Davis High School but look at me now, I already have my diploma with me and I am off to college real soon! After 4 years in High School, after 4 years of full of drama and shit, after 4 years of nerve racking tests and project reports, after 4 years of making my way up "there", after 4 years of making friends and losing friends along the way, after 4 years of hardship it already came to an end. :| High School for me is already done.

It`s so sad though because I am going to miss Davis, my teachers/mentors and of course my friends. Things will never be the same as soon as I get in college. No more food fight at the cafeteria, no more rallies, no more immature fights and no more homecoming games to attend to! Awww. I`m so going to miss High School!!!

Davis was my very first school here in America and sure as hell, I will never ever forget that I was once a Spartan and it will forever live in my heart. If it was not for Davis, I wouldn`t know all the things I know right now. Davis had helped a lot and I am thankful that I went there!

I may be bleeding for RED and BLUE for college, but I will and forever be a Green and Gold baby. Those colors will remain in my heart and Green and Gold are yet the most significant colors to me. I`LL MISS YOU DAVIS HIGH SCHOOL!!


I would like thank Gelo Aquino for this prettyful photo. Hahaha. This is actually a campaign. So if you want your picture to be edited out just like this and if you are a Proud Filipina/Filipino, kinda click on his name and it`ll bring you to his Multiply and it will tell you on what to do. :] Hurraaah!


Dear Paula,
This is something you have to know and this is what you have to do. Not everything you want in life will be yours in a snap. You have to accept the fact that there are things that you don`t have to have and there are things that will be yours even without asking for it. God has plans for you and that everything happens for a reason. Not talking to your Mom and being the snobbish bitch that you are to her won`t help. It will only ruin your relationship with her and you might end up hurting her feelings. You should also know that your brother is just a little bitch and he will always remain that way. Things for him will never change. You are just unfortunate enough that he was your brother instead of someone better. Brother`s are evil, always remember that. All you have to do is pray and pray and finally pray your ass off that your Mom won`t be persuaded by your brother`s charm and all that fart that he`s been telling her. Things will work out well if you continue to pray and continue being a bitch to your brother.... or not. If ever, if the devil permits and he`ll get the freakin Macbook himself, bitch at him forever!!! As much as possible sabunin mo everyday and make him wish he was never born. Above all, stay calm. Breathe in, breathe out.