You know what's odd? I got everything I asked for. Everything I prayed for. Everything I thought that would make me happy. But once I had it all; I realized it wasn't even remotely close to what I really wanted. I want someone back at square one. But I have no fuckin clue on how to get back at him. :|

%$I@*$^@**!^(!!. Darn it! There`s just so much things I want to say to you, but I can`t. :| Partially because I feel cheesy. Partially because it may be urgent. But mostly because I'm afraid of what you'll say back. I wouldn`t take another write up spit from you.:| It would only add up to the burden I am carrying right now and telling me to get out of your life and move on as soon as I can won`t help. People have labeled me as stupid, moron, lunatic, crazy and every synonym for stupid that you could think of but I feel pretty bizzare, that though I`ve been receiving negative feedbacks I don`t give a shit. I`m not like this, never. When someone tells me I`m stupid, I usually fight back. But this time, I don`t know. I just felt numb and the word stupid haven`t sink in yet.

I don`t like this. I don`t like this. I don`t fuckin like this feeling. My heart is terribly wrecked. Believe or not, sometimes when I get the chance to reflect on things I actually think that my life is worthless and screwed up just because of not having Tilos in my life. Mommy said, I am by far the biggest Idiot she knew. (Yes, I tell Mommy everything. I even showed her the video I made for him) And my Mom is not lying. :| She was telling me that if I wasn`t kampante enough that he loves me then this wouldn`t happen. I love you Mom, you really know how to make me cry.

God knows how much I tried to forget about you. God knows how much I tried to just move on and think that life could go on without you. But God knows that no matter how hard I try, I just can`t. I never can. :| K, now I really sound stupid.

I want to drive out, I want to party real hard, I want to bungee jump, I feel like cleaning the entire house, I want to fly awaaaaaaaaaay. I wan`t to go to a place where I can forget everything that happened. I want to forget my horrible past and the people who are part of it. I want to get over things quickly. Like really really quick. :|

Is there any medication that could be bought over the counter for this kind of illness? Cuz if there`s really one and sure as hell it`s effective, Imma buy my ass tons and tons and tons of them. :| Hmmm. I need a doctor. I swear, I have serious love issues.