I'm freakin pissed right now like you have no idea how pissed I am. If there is such a word that surpasses the word pissed well then, that is what I am feeling. So okay here's the thing, we just got our State Tax and yet before we got that we already planned about putting the money first in the bank while we're still looking for a decent house. All is well not until my cousin in the Philippines came all hyped and told my Mom and she knows someone that could help her fix her papers so that she could work abroad. No questions about who the fuck could help her go abroad but the question is how much money does she needs?! Well surprise surprise she told mommy that she needs 2fuckin hundred thousand pesos for her to go abroad! Like what the hell? Thats like 4fuckin thousand dollars right here! >:( She knows very well that we don't have that much and that we already took hold of our savings because nga we are going to buy a house. I don't actually complain about them asking money but the thing is, sana naman wag nilang sagarin. I know Mommy has always been a bread winner and with that she feels that though she is already miles away from them she is still oblige to give. I am actually not agaisnt that, never. They are still my family and whenever they need the money we are surely going to give, Mommy will surely do anything to help them but sana they wouldn't make asa kay Mommy the whole time. :(( Mommy is not a robot that she could work 12 hours a day, 5 times a week. They should also know that she needs to rest and just like any other human being Mommy gets tired as well. Working here as a Nurse is no joke. You walk around the halls of the hospital pretty much the whole time and if you're unfortunate enough and you'll be placed in a busy floor then dead sure you'll be walking back and forth going and out of the rooms for 12 hours. And Mommy does that almost everyday of her life. She doesn't even have any social life anymore, frankly speaking.

Aside from that, it hurts me seeing Mommy all grumpy by the time she goes home because nga she is very tired. It even hurts me seeing her all tired yet she still wants to work so that she could send MORE. It hurts us seeing Mommy working her ass off and by the time she gets her paycheck she couldn't even buy herself a new pair of shoes or a new shirt because her mind is already set that all her money goes out to her family in the Philippines and all her accords left there. I just hope they also do understand that it is not only them that Mommy has to feed, it's not them alone that mommy has to work for. They should also know that Mommy has already a life on her own and that not all the time she has something to give them.

I have been told by her that If she continually give, she knows she will continually have. I know, I get that but Mommy should also think that what if she continually give and she'll never know that there's none left for us? That's also one thing I hate about her, she never thinks. Bigay lg ng bigay. People might say we are being selfish and that gusto namen samen lng pera nya but that is not it! They thought na if you are already here in America yaman yaman mo na, hell no LADIES AND GENTLEMEN (joke), if you think Mommy earns a lot of dollar here isipin din ninyo na ang ginagastos namin ay dollar din.

Sorry for this super random blog. I just have to let this out. I'm super like filled with problems which in the first place I shouldn't be scraping about. Just so you know guys, this is a serious matter. Family problems is worst as f*ck. :( I'm just hopeful that by the end of the day Mom and Dad will talk about things in a peaceful way. Sometimes kasi Dad tends to shout while Mom that's one thing she hates talaga so tendency is, they'll collide. :((

I just tend to be positive na lng and I always put in mind that Life is indeed Sweet. I put all my trust in the Lord na lng and His WILL will be done.


The Boyfriend.


So okay I just finished watching PBB Primetime and Oh geez Josef is just the sweetest thing ever! Suhwear! I bet my life on this one, he sure is Gwapo! Agree?Ngayon pa lang I am telling everybody to back off because I am his new GIRLFRIEND! :p Well but for some reasons, Josef doesn't know that he is already taken by me. :p HAHAHA. Geez, this litol boy is really smokin hot dude. Though he is a year younger than I am, I only care less. Hahaha. Go La Salle! Go Josef! Go Boyfriend! Hahahaha! You know me you guys, I like boys with a strong personality and I guess that's what he got. But not only that I find him very mysterious too and it only made me like him even more. Hahaha. Obsessed much? :p Do good inside the house BABY. HAHAHA

The "Almost" Boyfriend.


Zanjoe Marudo. The ultimate Chiller. :) Who would have thought that I was really about to say "yes" to Z not until my friend Mariel came in the picture. Hahahaha. So since my friends are the greatest and I consider Mariel as my sister, I have to let go of him and I decided not to push through the "almost there" kind of relationship we had. Though at first it really made me depressed but it's all good now. I can sense that he looks a lot happier with Mariel than with me. Hahaha. Anyhow, Ate Mariel said I could still go visit Z whenever I wanted to, so everything's cool. HAHAHA. :P But by the time that Ate Mariel and Z will eventually break up in the future, Z knows that I will always be here for him. HAHAHAHA

The Ex Boyfriend.


The ever bad boy Juan Carlos himself. :)) Hahaha. I really had good times with this guy, he surely made our "relationship" worthwhile. But too bad I had to break up with him because Roxanne came up to me crying one morning and she asked me to just let him go. Hahahaha. Ayy grabe. Asa? :p So since I am a good friend I had to let go of him though it hurt me so freakin bad. He was my first celebrity loverboy, can you just imagine the pain I went through? Huhuhu. HAHAHAHA. But I know in his heaart, he still loves me and with that I am very much satisfied. HAHAHAHAHA and I still love him big time. I love you too Juan Carlos!

The First Love.

by the way, this is travis. :p

This time I am not even kidding anymore. First love is obviously, my First love. :) Since he is very much like of a private person, I prefer not to say his name. Hahaha. (though it is very much obvious already because I posted his picture but who cares. nobody's reading this blog anyways.) He was actually the primary reason why I was able to blog all these. I blogged about all the Men that are hopelessly going to be MINE. So critics, don't react. :) Calm down. I just made up those stories because I felt like it and Josef, Zanjoe and Jake are my ultimate crushes so bare with me. They're like the reasons why I have to keep going in life because I know in the future, when I get back to Philippines, Imma meet them in flesh! :) So anyways, this blog really goes out to first love. I just can't get over him even though I sound really pathetic now, I don't care. I know he is happy and in love with someone else right now but it doesn't stop me from loving and I am still hopeful that one day, he'll come back to me. And until such time that he'll place his attention on me and leave his "true love" behind. Just like what Basha said in One More Chance Umaasa pa rin ako na sana ako pa rin, ako na lng, ako na lng ulit. Thanks to the Movie One More Chance because it only made me even more determined and it gave me power booster to somehow wait for him, wait for the right time to come. :) I know I have exerted too much effort on this one, yet I got nothing. Well I got replies from him though but those were nasty and you-dont-want-to-hear kind of message but I am not giving up! It's going to be almost a year now and it only felt like 1 week. Call me crazy, call me stupid whatever you say won't change my perspective in life, it won't change my feelings for him, Never. I don't care if I don't pass by his thoughts even for a second, I don't care if he tells me nasty things, I don't care if he'll let his Girlfriend take over him, I don't care if he'll call me an idiot for loving him this much, I don't care if people will continue telling me that He is not worth waiting, I don't care if people would tell me that I am sucha loser because what truly matters to me is HIM and no one else. Errrrm. I promised myself I won't write too much about this first love issues anymore but I feel like I have almost writen like thousands of words already. :) Sorry naman, I can't help it. Whenever he's the topic I feel like I don't ran out of words, I feel like there's so much things to talk about! Seriously. Even though I know that I have said these words over and over again, I dont get tired to blogging the same thing redundantly. He is like the most importand person in my life right now and other than my boys(ehem), he keeps me going. He is my inspiration in everything that I am doing it may be at school or in the things in usually do. He is my rogaine that keeps me alive, and he got me all addicted to him. :] I miss so much babyboo! This my sound very cheesy but since I was in 6th grade you are the one I wanted to spend my whole life with. :D Hahaha. Seriously. You take care and I love you so much!

By the way I dont care if His girlfriend or his girlfriend's friends are reading this or whoever's related to whoever. :p I am just bringing up what I feel and I guess theres nothing wrong with that. Call me pathetic, call me desperate I DONT CARE! Oh Bitch please. Get your own life and focus on it. :)


"When you feel the world hated you, remember that they hated me first- Jesus."

In honoring the lenten season, the Tan, Roldan and Fuentes' family had a DVD marathon yesterday and we all chose to watch The Passion of the Christ or what would my Lola calls Ang Paghigugma ni Kristo. The first time I saw this, it really didn't move me to tears, not at all. Apart from the way that the language they used was Hebrew, Latin and Aramaic and i was having a hard time catching up with the subtitles, I fell in deep slumber inside the Movie house which I was screamed at 2 times. Well not that extreme scream though but she kept on tapping me but I wasn't paying attention. So anyways, though I fell I sleep I'm pretty sure I understood the plot of the story. :p Not only because I learn it at school but also everytime Mommy would tap me I would be awake for like 10 minutes and saw some part of the movie. But I really regretted when my classmates started sharing how good the movie was and that it even made their faith stronger and more touching stories and I was left deadpan. Sure I can read my Christian Living book over and over again but it wouldn't give me the satisfaction my classmates got when they saw the movie. I was then really eager to watch it but too sad the DVD has not yet been released during those times that I was really anxious about watching it until such time that I lost my interest and forgot about it. It was just then yesterday when we were all sitting in the couch waiting for the kids to finish getting all the eggs, I stood up infront of them and said "Watch tayo Passion of the Christ? Holy Week naman dba? Tas Easter Sunday na. This is it na?" :) Lol. I sound so perky but that's how I really said it.

The movie was not at it's highlight yet but I was already lamenting like a little girl who lost her Mommy. I was crying really hard and my facial expression while crying? Gaaah. Tita Jane: Ang priceless ng mukha mo Pao! dami kang kasalanan no? Hahaha. It was indeed PRICELESS! So instead of crying, I stared laughing my ass off but I was still engrossed by the movie and I continued to weep some more. The thing that was running through my head while seeing Jesus being scourge is that in every sin that we commit we are like them romans who scourged Jesus to death, he almost died. I became really emotional then because I know I have sinned a lot my whole life but I never really thought about that. I mean I know that Jesus was our Savior and He was crucified because He wanted to redeem us but I never thought it was that violent. Tears started dripping off my face again as I see Jesus stumble and fall as He carry the cross, I almost felt like going inside the the big screen and help Jesus carry His cross. I didn't move in my seat the whole time I was watching it. Suddenly random thing came up in my mind again and I wished that I was Veronica who wiped Jesus' blood-soaked face. A lot of things really were running circles in my mind but thoughout that time, I was repenting. Seriously, I really was. I said countless of sorrys for all the sins that I have sinned against Him and said my thankyou's for all the blessings He unlimitedly give me and my family. I feel ashamed of myself for sometimes being self-centered when Jesus gave up his life to live his accord just for us. :(

The movie was excellent. It didn't only made my faith grow even stronger but it made known to people that Jesus is worthy of our love and that without him we wouldn't be here today enjoying His father's bountiful creations. Sometimes, we really tend to forget about God, especially when we're at the peek of our lives. We sometimes forget that all the things that is happening in our lives, it is all because of Jesus, our Savior. One peculiar thing most people doesn't know about me, Paula Roldan is in one point of fact one heck of a believer and a very religious person. I may come very sarcastic often times but it's true, I am religious. I am proud that I'm Catholic and I am very happy that my Parents raised me as one and that discipleship was our way of life. Even if some random people would go ambush me with stories about different religion, sure as hell they can't convert me! So just a little advice from a little gorl like me. Right before you go bed think of the things that happened to you on that day and think atleast 5 reasons why you should Thank God. :) I swear it wouldn't take too much of your time and 5 reasons won't hurt you anyways. Just atleast 5. :D Good way to start Easter huh?:) New life, new you, Salvation.

Happy Easter Everybody!


Insomnia is a sleep disorder that is characterized by difficulty falling and/or staying asleep. People with insomnia have one or more of the following symptoms:

1. Difficulty falling asleep
2. Waking up often during the night and having trouble going back to sleep
3. Waking up too early in the morning
4. Feeling tired upon waking

Dude! I'm having all the symptoms and I guess I really am an insomniac! Boooo! Blame my vacation to the Philippines! Hahaha. It has been almost like what? 2 months or so since we got back but look at me, I still feel like I'm still in the Philippines like WTH? Hahahaha! Mama have been calling me and checking me out if I already got used to the time and whatnot, I just keep on telling her that "Yes Ma. I'm already adjusted and all is good now" but the truth is, my sleeping time is still inverse. I mean by the time I wake up, it's barely 7 in the evening and I'm up from 7 til like uhh 10 in the morning. So basically I only see the sun for 5 hours or more. Tssk. This is not up to no good. I really have to do something with this or else! Or else Mommy would take my laptop and keep it in her baul which I don't know where she hides it. :[ She has the tendency of being immoral. I know for sure she'll do that. All these time, she thought I am already well adjusted to the time and that I only wake up "early" because of some random reason. I always tell her 'I slept last night mom! It's just that I want to watch Ogie Diaz' locomotion! and it happens to be in the mornings. EARLY in the morning. Duh?" Hahahahahah! :)) LUSOOOT! One thing I hate when I'm up for like more than the usual time that I should be up, I GET ALL HYPER. I seriously do. People would call me crazy for the reason that instead of being dead, I am a high-strung litol kid! Hahahaha! Just like noooow. I want to dance!!! Hahahaha. C'mon, c'mon do the locomotion with me.




BAAAAAAH! :) It's finally back! wooot. MRnet is back! I just have to blog about this because I'm soo glad they had it back sooner than I thought. It was only last night when Leslie and I were talking about the thread and I was really hoping that they'll have it soon. Soon before my class starts and before I finally engage myself too school. And with Ate Jenn && Ate Raych's powers combined they had MRNET BACK! Wooot! Thank you ATES. :) I'll see you all sa thread. and to you [whoever's lurking] it's under LINKSPHERE. Go check it out! :)


EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY WISH LIST.

uno. A plane Ticket back to the Philippines and another plane ticket to Hongkong. My friend Shana told me that we'll all go on a trip just like Mariel-Toni-Bianca kind of thing. That would be triple times the fun. :)

dos. A MACBOOK pro for a not quite pro like me. I don't know I just love the wide screen and easy to type keyboard. I've always find MAC very conviniet plus the fact that it is "virus free" you also have you own photo booth.

tres. I want a Hot Pink, Yellow, Purple, White, Black, Orange, Brown and Red Lanyard. :) I really find lanyards cute it's like almost an accessory now. I extremely need one since my phone is really bulky. I also would like to have a Pilipinas lanyard. Jologs na kung jologs but I seriously never had one. Kawawa much?

cuatro. The Happy Slip DVD. I heard it's on the market already and I can't wait to get my own copy! I haven't snoop around Walmart and Target yet but hopefully they have one here in Modesto.

sinco. I want to go at any Spice Girls Concert! I missed the last time they went to San Jose. It was just only a 2 hour drive away from Modesto! Raaar. I'm a fan of Spice Girls since I was a kid. I probably still memorize some lyrics of Viva Forever, Mama, Stop right now, Wannabe and 2 become 1. :)

seis. I just want to pass my Math71 test. That's really one of my wishes. I really would love to jump into Math71 because I want to finish my Maths as soon as possible. I despise Math it's like the ugliest thing in the world. *puke*

siete. A pruple skinny jeans. THEY'RE TOO CUTE I SWEAR! :) My friend Jissel has it at it is the cutest thing ever. I'm starting to like purple again. Like I was really jealous when I saw it on her. I have blue skinny jeans though but purple looks really fab!

ocho. I want a black, red, white and brown pointy toe pumps! They look very hot and sexy. And aside from that, I really need one. I'm way too short so I have to make an effort to look tall. :p

nueve. That bright yellow monkey hoodie I saw at Forever21. The price was not that bad though but for a simple hoodie like that it was already expensive. So I know for sure Mom won't buy me that.

and last but not the least yet the most expensive gift anyone could give me :p
diez: A Canon - EOS 12.8MP Digital SLR Camera. This is quite expensive so Im sure as hell I am not getting this one on my birthday. I might get the cheaper ones though, the power shots camera but not DSLR. :p But I would really love to have this EOS Canon. It's like AAAAAHHHH! hehe

So there goes my Wishlist. I might be having 50% of the total wishlist but those items would be the cheaper ones. :) The MACBOOK PRO and DSLR are surely not included. HAHAHA. Mommy will not buy those stuffs for me. HAHAHAHA


Today was supposedly my "No Internet Day" but because I have so much catching up to do with my friends online, I just sh urged about it and I was like whatever! You may have known that yesterday wasn't a really good day for me, for everybody but as I have said I will remain to be calm. I didn't bashed the girl with comments. I might have said mean things about her but I don't think I went beyond my limits. My only fault was I was being bias. I didn't listen to whatever Chiali has to say and I guess she didn't had the plan of even telling it to me. So the whole freakin time, the only side I heard was Jassie's so Chiali can't blame me at all. I asked her what was the problem and all she said was "I'm Sorry". So what does she think of me? Some psychic that I could figure out what the hell happened to them? I don't really Chiali for the reason that she has somehow loved Jassie in the best way that she could but the only thing that pissed me off is when her friends started to send Jassie comments like "BAKIT MO PINAIYAK BESTFRIEND KO!?" if you're educated enough you could've said it by giving her a private message, why do guys have to make it all public?

As far as I have remember it was Nang Rose, Cheche's sister and Anthony who sent Chiali a comment telling her to never let Jassie cry again or something like that. Believe it or not we were clueless about it. We never had the intention of combining our powers together to gang up on Chiali or whatsoever. In the first place it was you guys who started it. Maybe they saw the potential so they did it as well. And if Rei has a problem with Jassie's "friends" then she could've talked to us instead. She doesn't have to slap comments in Jasmine's page saying that WE SHOULD ALL STOP and all that crap. I don't hate Rei I'm just pissed. But it doesn't really matter now because I'm sooo done with this. I hate having enemies. I have said my sorrys to all the people who are involved in this issue and with that I guess they have understood why we did that. So in the fairness of everybody PAULA SAYS SORRY TO CHIALI AND HER FRIENDS This time, I am really serious. I don't care anymore of who's fault it was. Lets all move on from here.

THIS WILL BE THE LAST STATEMENT THAT YOU ARE GOING TO HEAR FROM ME. I JUST HOPE THAT SOON ENOUGH AFTER THE WOUNDS ARE HEALED WE HOPE THAT YOU GUYS WOULD STILL END UP BEING FRIENDS.


So okay. I hate to admit this but there's this one boy who made me happy couple of days ago. Happy in a way like I felt that there was really a connection between the two of us. HAHAHA. I don't really know how to put it into words but the word "connection" somehow made sense right? He used to be my crush way back Sophomore year and like everybody from his batch knows that I actually liked him. So basically people would often times pair us together and stuff like that. BUT not all the time, though there are times that they get all crazy and they even gave me his script after his impersonation! That was really sweet and funny. Parang i was like very obssesed with him but I was really not. I just liked him, period.

So anyway, I call him Zanjoe or Z for the reason that I can't explain. I seriously thinks he looks like Zanjoe when all this time people have been telling me that there was no resemblance, nothing at all! I was like "NO! try to take a glimpse of him once more!" HAHAHA. I asked Mommy for her opinion about the issue she told me "That's not good na pao ha. Are you seeing yourself as Mariel Rodriguez already?" HAHAHAHAHAHA. OMG I was like ME - MARIEL? BIG DIFFERENCE IN A VERY MAJOR WAY MOMMY! Psh. HAHAHA.

And speaking of Mariel we we're chatting one time and I told him to hold on to his seat because I will be back. It took me almost 30 minutes before i went back, i felt a little bit guilty though. HAHA. He asked me what was I doing? So I was all "Awww. Sorry i was watching del monte fit n' right and i totally forgot about getting online." tapos I remembered si Mariel ang Host and si Zanjoe ang guru. So I was like BAAAAAH. coincidence. HAHAHA. :) and he was then "oOoh so we were at the tv? you were the host and i was the guru?" AWWWWWW. OMG my smile was about langit swear. I thought na that was really sweet of him telling me that. :) Tapos he started calling me Mariel na for same vague reason. HAHA. awww. He made my day.


"10 reasons why parents didn’t like my ex" =) I seriously saw this on a long bond paper stuck inside the pockets of my wallet. I was looking for my California ID but to my surprise I saw this. I then clearly remembered that weeks before we broke up I wrote some things that somehow made me realize a lot of things. In that little piece of crap, I wrote all the things that we both shared as couple, I wrote all the things I love about him, the girls he hooked with, the things we usually argue about and the things that I hate most about him. Ask me if it all fit in one cute little piece of paper? Well, surprise it did. :) I have a cute handwriting you know, so no doubt that I was able to pour everything in, in a small piece of paper. It was dated June 17, 2007 and it was a Sunday. I can’t remember what triggered me to write all those things though, but I'm just glad I did. Well anyways, when I turned the back of the paper I saw "Why parents didn't like [insert name] at all. :(" Imma start okay?

1. He has the vices you could imagine! Seriously. He smokes, he drinks, he plays poker like hell, he's a computer/online games addict name it, he has it! But I believe so that he doesn't take any rogaine and with that I am pretty much assured.

2. Parents said with no doubt at all he is the kind of guy who is not monogamous. :( They always tells me that he's a playboy and he can't withstand having just ONE. But of course, I strongly disagreed. I know in my heart that though he may be very flirtatious sometimes, I know he loves me with all his heart. But parents were not convinced. :(

3. He is extensively lazy to the maximum level. He hates going to school, for him schooling is another piece of crap and to hell with everybody because he aint going to any of his classes. I don't know what he wants to do in his life. Parents were like "What could be your future with him if he continues to ditch his class everyday?" "Would he be able to find a decent job?" "Would he be able to feed you in the future?" (I've been very vocal to my parents that he is my last love. and that if i would have to marry someone right now, that'd be him) I know they we're thinking way too advanced but hey, they have a point right there.

4. He is a party animal, a party whore or whatever you may call someone that parties way too much. He is a kind of guy who is ready to suck all the energy he saved the whole day in just 4 hours of partying. I know there's nothing wrong with that but it takes too much of our time together. I mean okaay the scene is always like this, when he's at home on a Friday or Saturday night and the clock ticks 9:30 his phone starts ringing like kuhreyzee, I hear his friends honking their cars outside my house like shiiit, he would then hug me, kiss me and tell me that he's leaving. Thinking that he only got here like 40 minutes ago. Baby, 40 minutes is just like 5 seconds. C'mon now!

5. He is WAR FREAK! This time I'm not kidding anymore. He really is war freak. That's only two things, it's either he started the fight or he'll finish the fight. ENDOFSTORY. That's also one thing that we argue most about. My god, if you happen to see him mad like shit, especially when he's drunk you better find your way back home dude cuz you're going down! To all my friends, you are all my witnesses. :p He is evil when he's mad. And also when he gets jealous? FUHFREYYK! He'll beat yo ass off homes! That's really *****. I don't enjoy fights, it's too violent. But you know what? Every time he's on a fight, I always feel secured. I mean I know he'll beat the shit out of someone who'll gang up on me or something like that. :) I always tell myself that, I don't know why. My Boyfriend's a bad boy.

6. Mommy has been a very good observant. She knew that he was totally in control of my life that even in the way I dress up I still have to let him know what I am going to wear. Mommy said that if he really do love me, he wouldn't do that in fact he'll be proud of me of what I am wearing. Just so you know guys, I am not allowed to wear the following: tight pants, hipster pants, backless, tube top, sleeveless singlet, super tight tees, white tees [for some random reason], skirts, mini skirt, dress, mini dress and anything that shows off my skin are off limits. He always tells me that "I don’t care if you won't follow the trend, as long as you follow me." Whoooo. That was like an exaggeration of Marshal Law right there!

7. Parents said if we have a normal kind of relationship we won't be breaking up like twice a month or more. We have this indescribable love-hate relationship that parents didn't actually like and thought that it was stupid. In our 1 year and 4 months of being together we possibly had this "away-bati-break-hindi" thing for more than 20 times. Like I'm serious!

8. He doesn't usually shows up whenever there's a family gathering or whatnot. Well, he does sometimes but that would take us like 2 days of major PILIT and major angga/lambing. So parents we're then again like "It is your family he's going to meet. If he loves you he would really love to go" But hello? How could he still go when in the first place they start making fun of him? MOMMY is usually the one who opens up the topic and she would end up making fun of him which he didn't like. I could say he is pikon but I can't blame him. So even just a normal dinner at my house, he would really make a cover up that he has to do some errands or that he has to finish his home works and stuffs like that. I could really sense that once he step into my house, he gets all anxious. :D

9 & 10. This is for 9 and 10. I swear this is going to be worth the two numbers. :) Okaaaay my "ex" doesn't know the word EFFORT. Seriously. In some cases, he sends off flowers and chocolates though but that's just not it. Do you get what Im tryna say? 1 great example was in my whole stay here in the States, he never called me. Like I mean he called me once though but that was because I made him call me! He seriously just waits for my call and he would come and complain that I don't text him or call him and that I have totally taken for granted our relationship. I was like WHAT THE FREAK? Are you serious about that? Like can you see the difference? I call you, but you don't call me. I exert my full effort in this relationship but you? You do nothing. Another instance where my Uncle went home to the Philippines and I made him bring the present I have for HIM. I got him a Hollister T-shirt that cost me like my 1 week allowance and I wrote him a long ass uber touching letter. When my cousin gave the present he asked HIM if he has something in mind to give me or something, you know what he said? Wala nang ah. Ara naman siya tanan, and sa America ara na tanan dba?. I have nothing for her cuz I think she has everything already and in America don't they have everything? My cousin was like OKAAAAAY? I wasn't actually expecting anything from him though because I'm not like that. But it was really a big issue for my parents. They we're all "The thing called Initiative, he doesn't have that!" The conversation then became really serious and it even reached the highest level it could get. I was already crying because they we're really not liking him and I felt like there's nothing more I can do that would turn their perception. And hearing them say that He doesn't deserve me just got right through me and it hurt like hell!

But little by little I have learned that Parents know best. I felt that maybe he is not the right one for me. I don't want to say that he doesn't deserve me because I loved him too. It only hurts me because after all that I have sacrificed for him, all the heart aches he caused me yet I still continued to love him, all the lies he told me and all the crappy things he did to me , I thought to myself that I needed a break. I needed time to love myself again. I needed to bring back the old me, the old Paula before he totally manipulated my life.

It's been almost gonna be one year now since I asked for that time, since I had my freedom back and I can truly say that now, I’ve learned to love myself even more. I became more mature and realized that I’m not going to change for anybody. If he can’t handle me at my worst, then sure as hell he can’t have me at my best!  But I will always be thankful to him. I have learned a lot in our relationship and from him as well. I will never be bitter for I know he also loved me in the best way that he could and I thank him for that. Everything that we shared together will be treasured and he’s rest assured that I will never ever forget him because he already made a big impact in my life. :)

PS: I did not blog this to make sira my ex or something like that. I never plan to do that. I just honestly found this and it somehow motivated me to blog about it. And also to make known to people that when we're in love we tend to forget to love ourselves and we give our all to our special someone. But the thing that we should always consider is, is our special someone worth all the sacrifices? Is he going to make it all worthwhile? because in my case, it turned out that he wasn't worth everything. :) Well not quite, but somehow, yeah I guess. I wasted all my time and effort for nothing. Take it from the expert you guys! I've been there, done that! :D


What does it take too be a celebrity? :) HAHAHA. Too lame question but honestly speaking that has been running though my mind lately. Like I am dead serious about this. It's funny how in just a snap I was thinking of considering showbizness instead of going to College. Actually the main reason was, I'm sick and tired of going to school already and I know showbiz would be my outlet. But the thing is, am I just being arrogant or do I really have what it takes to be one?

So okaaay. Since I opened the topic about this, I am guilty to say that since then, since I was 4 being an artista was my dream. It has always been my frustraion since then. But the problem with me before was, I get too shy when there's a lot of people and I tend to hide and become speechless. There was one time, Edu Manzano came over my Uncle's house in Roxas. Considering that they were really good friends, my Uncle told me to dress up, look good and to be very polite in greeting Edu. But what happened was, I became wimp and I never talked to him; not even a soft HI. I was too shy because I know that even though he'll talk to me and stuff he wouldn't be my key to my dream. He could be an instrument though, but I was like never mind, WHATEVER.

I was growing up with people kept on telling me that I should consider showbizness instead. My Uncle and his wife have been avid fans since then. They were usually the ones who would encourage me trying out in doing VTRs when we're in Manila. My Uncle even offered me to do a workshop in ABS but I turned it down because I know nothing will happen, I will just stay in one corner and do nothing and aside from that I looked very chaka back then. I am not saying that I look very gorgeous right now but there are these people who just loves me so dearly that even though they know I dont have the chance they would still tell me over and over again that I DO HAVE THE CHANCE. :)

So of course hearing it from other people makes you think if do you really have what it takes to be a star? They're almost like your audience, your fan, your critique, your handler or your whatnot. Hearing it from strangers feels like you really have the possibility because they are strangers, they are not just one of your family members who would make you feel better. They don't know you, yet they see the beauty in you and appreciate whatever talents you have. Doesn't it feel guhreat? I mean, I've been hearing good comments from people so do you think I am "almost there?". HAHAHAHA. SUPER FEELING MODE.

And you know what trigger me more to join showbizness? HAHAHA. My Mom's friend kasi she always tells me this. You know what Pao, Kim Chui was not really pretty when she joined PBB. Valeen Montenegro, she is just super white pero she doesnt know how to sing. Ang pag-aarte you could learn it, but singing? It's inborn. Once your in the business they would really find ways to beautify you. So I was like, REALLY? As in super I was in awe kasi I never knew someone would tell me that up to the extent na she would really encourage me to go home na lng dw ang have showbiz as my forte. :) of course, I was happy din because she believes in me not like my Mom. HAHAHA.

But anyhow I really don't know on how to react on these issues. Like seriously. I wanted to JUST TRY at least once lang. If I won't get in then that was my last chance to prove to myself na I CAN DO IT naman. But my heart is like parang holding me not to because for sure, I will just be intimidated because there are still a lot of pretty girls out there aspiring to be a celebrity too. Maybe pa nga they have more than what I have. Maybe they have nicer body, they have pretty face, they have super tower-like nose or maybe they're half race. That's usually our perception dba as Filipinos? We think that whoever's half blood they look pretty na and they have the RIGHT to be a celeb na right away. But who cares. Life must go on. HAHAHAHA. I dont have to live through my dream today, tomorrow, next month, next year, yadayadayada. There will come a time na God will tell me na THIS IS IT, THIS IS REALLY IT! I'm not dashing things, it will come in the right timing. :) IF IT WOULD COME. Hehe.

Basta I am just happy that I was able to share to you guys my thoughts about this and Im glad man because I was able to pour everything here. I mean hello, this has been bugging me and I was really like parang ADIK na because I was like WHAT IF ano, WHAT IF ganon. HAHAHA. Sorry this blog approach may be very egoistic for some of you people but I just stated what I really want to do in my life... and that is to become a celebrity. HAHAHAHAHA. IM DEAD SERIOUS. DON'T LAUGH. :D


Oh my gosh! I am so happy right now, as in very much in total bliss! :) So okay, I will kwento why. First off, since we are looking for a better place to move in, we went to this open house this afternoon. It was along Carver road, hindi siya kalayuan unlike the houses that we've been on. So aun na, the realtor called mom and said that we're going na dw there. GOSH, the moment I saw the house we all fell in love with it na. Seriously dude, it was really pretty. It has a wide space for gardening and there are a lot of flowers and 2 big trees. So I was like "Mom, I like this house. Eventhough labas pa lng nakkita ko". HAHA. She was like, I know. I like it too. So we were off to see whats inside. Nung binuksan na yung door, Holy cow! Angg gaaannnddaaa! It has a decent kitchen, living room and garage. Super nice pa the kitchen cuz the countertop was granite and that is what we really wanted. Tapos the living room was not that big. You know, the typical American living room. It was just fit for us. 4 lang naman kasi kami. The rooms were not too big too unlike the other houses that we've been pero it was okay na. Eto pa, listen to this. Mom said, ipapahuli na dw ung masters para dw ma amaze sila kasi the 2 other rooms as sin sobrang linis and sobrang ganda na so what more ang masters dba? So eto na we opened the door na, to our surprise we saw a tall glass thing na at first we thought ay isang cabinet or something but to our surprise went we went closer, IT WAS A FREAKIN SHOWER pala. Damn it. Open?! We were cracking up na kasi there was no harang talaga or something. So I was like "Pano if you want to poo or something? eh d super smelly nun?" HAHAHHA. So aun. We left the house laughing but hoping that we could have this house soon. Dami pa kasing ka eklaboo bago talaga matapos ang negosasyon. HOPEFULLY TALAGA.


Second reason why I am happy: it is because I was able to get an access to see Ate Ma's multiply. Hehe. I know, i know. Adik na kung adik. But yeah, I went through and I saw a bunch of her pictures. It really made me happy at sobrang nanlaki talaga mata ko when I saw it. I saw 15 invitations pa ang pending and malamang sa hindi one of those 15 invitations ay galing sa akin. HAHAHA.

And lastly, my friend Leslie who is also my ka KTG recently made her own domain. What made me happy was, in her domain sobrang daming videos ni Ate Ma. Like there were looooooaadds of videos. :) It was only like 3 days ago when I was complaining na there were no PBBCe2 videos in any of the websites that I've been on tapos here she is and she's got everything about Ate Ma! Isn't she an angel? :) awww. Leslie super thank you!





It's funny how I used to have a lot of "boytoys" that I could play with, but now I am left with nothing. As in they don't come along anymore. Hahaha. Is it because I look bloated than ever? or Karma? Oh well, perhaps it is karma. HAHAHA.

But if you would ask me if do I need one? Well, honestly speaking I don't. With all my college applications, my FAFSA, my Cal grant, the kids to be baby sitted, the application forms that I am working on, the assessment tests, the teachers/profs that I should start talking to, the Orientation in the next few weeks, my schedules and all the hassle a freshmen student experiences I am almost in the heat of it right now. I may be on my early summer but hell, I've been a little bit packed in the last few days. College Frosh is not fun. So tell me, where the hell would I pencil in my "boyfriend" if I had one? I can't leave James and Hannah just to have a freakin dinner with him. I can't pospone the Orientation and Job Interviews in the future just to hang with him and of course I wouldn't sacrfice my future just to be with him.
Get it? Things just don't go together. Maybe by the time that I have already ajusted to my new school and when I know I am on track with everything, then maybe just maybe, I could entertain and look for a New-Fresh Boyfriend. :) But it would still depend on the situation though. HAHAHA. cuz if 1st love comes along before my deadline, then it would really turn my perception upside down.

Aside from my reasons stated above, I am just patiently waiting for someone who would really love me uncondiontally. Actually, rephrase that. I am not "waiting". Whatever happens, happen. I'm not rushing things neither desperate of having a special someone. Sure I miss all the unceasingly I love you's, the warm embraces, the sugary kiss and the I-am-his-girlfriend-back-up-you-bitch kind of thing but whatever. God has other plans for me, I know. I may not be lucky enough to find my Mr. Right right now, in time I know he will give me more than what I expected. God is love, and so am I. Why paulaislove? Simple. Cause I believe in the magic of love. :D

And to those people who are in love right now, seize the moment. :)


This another ghetto yet cute picture of me. HAHAHA and my friends. :) Spot nyo feet ko, I was barefoot inside the classroom. Dang it. HAHAHA. skwater much? As far as I remember this was taken during our Christmas Party way back 10 years ago. So anyways, I will make kwento becuase since this picture brought up a lot of good memories, I will start.

The girl wearing in purple is Charmaine Grace Martinez whom I used to loathe. Seriously, but I ain't going to elaborate more what happened to us in the past because it's all done. What is important now is that, we're still friends and we will remain to be friends til the pigs learn how to fly. :) I'm just thankful to God that after all that we've been through, we're still here, TIGHTer than ever. I love you sis!

The girl next to Charmaine is Anne Nicole Villarruz who happens to be my love-hate relationship kind of friend. We argue a lot. We don't really get along that much, but I could really say that though we may have a lot of differences we're still dense like shit. HAHA.

The baby girl in apple green is Nadine Christine Diamante. At our young age she has gone wayy too far a lito babygorl could go. She's pretty, she's smart, she's talented, she can dance well, and she's always the leader, she's all these and more. Though we may have misunderstanding sometimes and it would sometimes lead us having breach, we're making it a point to fix things up.

Did I made this blog boring? HAHAHAHA. Sorry naman. Im sleepy. I thought I could make a matino one but I was wrong. HAHA. SO hala, okay bye na.