I'm on my break in Anatomy right now and I just thought of hitting the library instead of staying inside that damn cold room for various reasons. First, I am extremely sleepy and my eyes are about to drop. I don't want my professor to see me snoring inside the classroom. That ain't just appropriate. Secondly, I was being bitchy to Joel the whole 2 hours and I don't want to stay any longer than that. I need to clear my mind first and get over this shit before I go back. And lastly, I failed my Anatomy test. Why yes, I totally killed my first test! When I got my paper back, I was so mad that I crumpled my paper instantly and I think my professor saw me do that. I was mad, frustrated, disappointed, and absofuckinglutely not delighted by my test scores. I did study but I know it wasn't enough. I didn't memorize shit at all and I just scanned over the book. All those nights of reading just went down the drain and I wasn't credited for it. What an unruly world. I know. I know. It was my fault and I have no one to blame but myself but fuck that. I did study but I such a dumbass for not putting too much effort on it.

The moment I got my paper, it was Joel whom I threw all my frustrations to. He was mad at me for bitching at him cos he certainly has nothing to do with my damn test score. I chose not to cheat that day so I got an F. This is the reward for being such a good student? Are you suggesting to might as well cheat? : Argh. Fuck this motherfucker. I feel bad for Joel cos he clutched all my anger and just remained silent. I have issues okay and I don't really like having bad grades though I know in myself that I am responsible for all these. What can I say, I'm just a perfectionistist that doesn't even know how to aim perfectly. I'm such a jerk. Fuccck.

But the Professor told me that I could still get an A in that class cos she can drop this test and do good on the remaining 5. I know I should feel a little better after she have said that but fuck that still. I can't get over it and I'm so mad at myself. But I can't do anything about it no more. I already screwed it up and all I need to do is STUDY EVEN MORE and MEMORIZE all shit. I just realized that Anatomy isn't just about understanding those damn cell tissues. Try memorizing? Damn it.

A picture of me, Ziggy and Joel.

So, I just got a hate mail yet again today. It wasn't actually the "usual" hate mail since she didn't talked trash about me but my boyfriend. She was telling me this and that as if she knows me personally and witnessed our relationship together. Her words were just foul and though it may be true for some part, she doesn't have the right to talk that way. At least not in front of me or sending me a message. I'm not the right person to scorn Joel. Seriously. You can probably tell that to a lot of girls but totally not to me. I hate her angst. I especially hate her big bad mouth.

She tells me she's concerned? What a consolation. Thank you? I don't even think it as you were concerned since you sent me that long and inappropriate message. If you were really concerned about me, you could have listed things of why I shouldn't date Joel. You could have done better than what you sent to me. And if it's true that you KNOW A LOT ABOUT HIM, prove it to me. Girl, I wasn't born yesterday, so don't play tricks on me. Just because you saw us all happy and we're both worry-free, here you are trying to screw everything up? Just so you know, there is no way in hell that Joel and I will split up! NO WAY IN HELL. If problem arises, we're both mature enough to fix it and find means of making it work. You are not my Mom neither my Ate telling me what to do and what's best for me. I have a mind of my own and I know what's best for me. Or if this may not be the best, I know in my heart it is.

I'm not mad not because I never knew anything about what she told me cos I know every single thing. I'm not stupid not to dig deep into Joel's shit. Yes, he did a lot of things that placed the relationship on the edge but then he's just human. He's entitled to make mistakes. Who am I not to forgive and forget when you know the person is trying his best to change? I believe that a person can change if it comes from within and I can totally see that in him. I'm not ashamed to tell everyone that we had a looooooooot of break up-make ups from the past but those stupid risky break-ups made us even stronger. It made us realize that we were so stuck that we can barely imagine living life without each other. Cheesy but that's true.

I was hella mad earlier and even threw tantrums at Joel but he was such a sweetheart that distanced himself and told me, "I know. I'm guilty but didn't we promise to start on a new clean slate? All those happened in the past Babe, it will never happen again." I will put my whole life on the line and if he screws up one day, I'd be the one to tell myself that I'm so stupid for still putting up with this bullshit. But that wouldn't happen though cos I trust Joel and I know he won't do that to me. What I would like you to know though is that though Joel is completely an asshole to you, at least I have someone to cuddle, to have, to hold, and to love. You're probably heartless that's why you excerted too much effort in trying to ruin us. But baby, that ain't going to happen. Your pathetic attempts in ruining the relationship won't work. We're stronger than what you and other people thinks.

We're happy, you're jealous. That's just about it. :)))))