Make way for the Queen B.

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2009-12-06T16:51:00.000-08:00

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I'm just a girl

2009-09-25T22:16:00.001-07:00

I'm so sorry cause I wasn't much of a big help yesterday. I just stood there, and rapped my mouth away. I know if my Dad could've done something or even Tito Benjie then the credit would have been given to me. I wish I could've helped you out in the best way that I could to deserve whatever your dumb ass friend is getting. I completely understand that you're paying him back whatever you "owe" to him. He was the one who rescued you that night anyways. It's life. I just wish I could have done something noble that night so that I'm the one you're spending the night with cuddling, watching a movie or just talking things from the past and whatever that interests us in the future...but then you're not here. You're at your apartment with your dumb ass friends. I wish I could have helped you out with your car so the attention would then be all on me. I hope I could be a guy sometimes so when things like that happens, I'd be able to help you out right away. I'm sorry. I'm just a girl...a pretty lame kind of girl.

P.S: I'm so selfish when it comes to Joel. I don't want to share him with his friends, not even for a day. But it changed today since he's so thankful to his faggot friend who helped him out last night. Whatever. I hope you guys would turn out gays one day.

I failed

2009-09-22T15:11:00.001-07:00

I'm on my break in Anatomy right now and I just thought of hitting the library instead of staying inside that damn cold room for various reasons. First, I am extremely sleepy and my eyes are about to drop. I don't want my professor to see me snoring inside the classroom. That ain't just appropriate. Secondly, I was being bitchy to Joel the whole 2 hours and I don't want to stay any longer than that. I need to clear my mind first and get over this shit before I go back. And lastly, I failed my Anatomy test. Why yes, I totally killed my first test! When I got my paper back, I was so mad that I crumpled my paper instantly and I think my professor saw me do that. I was mad, frustrated, disappointed, and absofuckinglutely not delighted by my test scores. I did study but I know it wasn't enough. I didn't memorize shit at all and I just scanned over the book. All those nights of reading just went down the drain and I wasn't credited for it. What an unruly world. I know. I know. It was my fault and I have no one to blame but myself but fuck that. I did study but I such a dumbass for not putting too much effort on it.

The moment I got my paper, it was Joel whom I threw all my frustrations to. He was mad at me for bitching at him cos he certainly has nothing to do with my damn test score. I chose not to cheat that day so I got an F. This is the reward for being such a good student? Are you suggesting to might as well cheat? : Argh. Fuck this motherfucker. I feel bad for Joel cos he clutched all my anger and just remained silent. I have issues okay and I don't really like having bad grades though I know in myself that I am responsible for all these. What can I say, I'm just a perfectionistist that doesn't even know how to aim perfectly. I'm such a jerk. Fuccck.

But the Professor told me that I could still get an A in that class cos she can drop this test and do good on the remaining 5. I know I should feel a little better after she have said that but fuck that still. I can't get over it and I'm so mad at myself. But I can't do anything about it no more. I already screwed it up and all I need to do is STUDY EVEN MORE and MEMORIZE all shit. I just realized that Anatomy isn't just about understanding those damn cell tissues. Try memorizing? Damn it.

Ziggyziggywaah!

2009-09-20T23:55:00.000-07:00

A picture of me, Ziggy and Joel.

By the way, Ziggy is our new baby. She's a 6 month old Pitbull and was brought to us today. It was unexpected actually because Joel's friend who happens to have this dog can't maintain all her needs no more so he needs to give her away and was asking for a rehoming fee. Since Joel is a fan of Pits and we just recently lost Clover, his heart was really all over Ziggy. The moment he saw her, he was so happy. I could really tell. And he's been missing Clover for 3 months now, so when Ziggy came it today, I felt like it was just the right timing. :)

I didn't like her at first actually since she's a full grown dog and she's hella huge for a 6 month old PUPPY, but when I saw Joel's face upon seeing Ziggy, I felt his happiness. I will learn to love her eventually though I love Clover more and I don't want to forget about her. But whatever makes my baby happy, makes me happy. That's just beyond words. :) I hope we won't lose her this time though. We'll be more responsible now. HAHA

Hi, Fan!

2009-09-20T23:29:00.001-07:00

This is actually pointless and non of anyone's business but then I can't help but share. :) The mysterious girl can't stop sending me messages and I think her "friend" that was was talking about is either from Multiply or someone who keeps tract of my blogs in Blogspot. She knows a lot of things about me and Joel which is just odd and creepy. I have never had someone tell me things that was kept privately. Well, except for Blogspot. But then I don't really care about her. Who she is, and whoever her friend was. Joel had a lot of flings in the past and he himself can't take track of them anymore so he can't tell me who she was. :) I'm not proud that she had a lot. I am proud that he doesn't do that no more. At least not with me. This mysterious girl makes me thrilled with her deets. She's like Gossip Girl and I feel like Blair Waldorf! :)))))) Ohhh I love how they're giving their FULL attention to me and how they were able to keep track of me. If ever you are reading this FAN, HELLO! :))))))

3 months!

2009-09-18T23:38:00.000-07:00

So 3 months from now, I'd be leaving this crappy town and will hit the Philippines for 2 weeks baby! My parents already bought my ticket and they booked me on the 16th of December, 10pm, bound for Manila Philippines via Philippine Airlines! Woohoo!

Yet another hater.

2009-09-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

So, I just got a hate mail yet again today. It wasn't actually the "usual" hate mail since she didn't talked trash about me but my boyfriend. She was telling me this and that as if she knows me personally and witnessed our relationship together. Her words were just foul and though it may be true for some part, she doesn't have the right to talk that way. At least not in front of me or sending me a message. I'm not the right person to scorn Joel. Seriously. You can probably tell that to a lot of girls but totally not to me. I hate her angst. I especially hate her big bad mouth.

She tells me she's concerned? What a consolation. Thank you? I don't even think it as you were concerned since you sent me that long and inappropriate message. If you were really concerned about me, you could have listed things of why I shouldn't date Joel. You could have done better than what you sent to me. And if it's true that you KNOW A LOT ABOUT HIM, prove it to me. Girl, I wasn't born yesterday, so don't play tricks on me. Just because you saw us all happy and we're both worry-free, here you are trying to screw everything up? Just so you know, there is no way in hell that Joel and I will split up! NO WAY IN HELL. If problem arises, we're both mature enough to fix it and find means of making it work. You are not my Mom neither my Ate telling me what to do and what's best for me. I have a mind of my own and I know what's best for me. Or if this may not be the best, I know in my heart it is.

I'm not mad not because I never knew anything about what she told me cos I know every single thing. I'm not stupid not to dig deep into Joel's shit. Yes, he did a lot of things that placed the relationship on the edge but then he's just human. He's entitled to make mistakes. Who am I not to forgive and forget when you know the person is trying his best to change? I believe that a person can change if it comes from within and I can totally see that in him. I'm not ashamed to tell everyone that we had a looooooooot of break up-make ups from the past but those stupid risky break-ups made us even stronger. It made us realize that we were so stuck that we can barely imagine living life without each other. Cheesy but that's true.

I was hella mad earlier and even threw tantrums at Joel but he was such a sweetheart that distanced himself and told me, "I know. I'm guilty but didn't we promise to start on a new clean slate? All those happened in the past Babe, it will never happen again." I will put my whole life on the line and if he screws up one day, I'd be the one to tell myself that I'm so stupid for still putting up with this bullshit. But that wouldn't happen though cos I trust Joel and I know he won't do that to me. What I would like you to know though is that though Joel is completely an asshole to you, at least I have someone to cuddle, to have, to hold, and to love. You're probably heartless that's why you excerted too much effort in trying to ruin us. But baby, that ain't going to happen. Your pathetic attempts in ruining the relationship won't work. We're stronger than what you and other people thinks.

We're happy, you're jealous. That's just about it. :)))))

School madness

2009-09-13T15:29:00.001-07:00

2 weeks down 15 to go. :|

School has been giving me stress since the first day and I'm so scared that by the time we reach mid October, I'm already dead. Seriously and honestly speaking, I have never been this pre-occupied with school in my entire life. This is my first so I'm kind of not used to it. I get surprised whenever instead of doing useless things, I would grab my Anatomy book and read. Or whenever I'm at Joel's, instead of watching TV or playing XBOX, I would take my notebook out from my purse and finish homework. I would study not a week before the quiz nor days before that but I make sure that a day before I would study my ass so freakin hard and wouldn't sleep if I don't feel confident enough about the said test. I feel like I'm getting nerd-er by the minute and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes when I hit the room having my Anatomy book on my hand and pencil on the other, I would say to myself, "Paula is that you?" It's so weird but I think I'm liking it. Tests are never that hard anymore since I read the book ahead of time. I pay attention to that damn parrot which means copying notes like you're in a marathon and listening at the same time. Man... I thought college here is better since teachers don't really care about their students but it made me realize that I would rather have my Professor be so strict and helpful than lenient but not helpful at all. I love Anatomy but when I had Upton as my Prof, it made me hate the subject. She goes so fast like flash and the next thing I know, she's switching slides or on to the next topic. I can't keep up with her, that I'm worried about. I can't even rely to my boyfriend cos you can't talk to him during the first few hours of the day and he zones out during lecture. So I'm left with no one but myself. I need to do almost everything and I feel sad. But it's also my fault though cos I don't oblige him to copy since I'm the one doing it. I'm not asking him to print the lab since I print them out for him out of love. Yes, I am such an obedient student and extremely loving girlfriend.

Now that our Lab/Lecture big test is fast approaching, I can't help but get anxious. She said it will be 10x harder than the quizzes we had and we really have to focus and study more. Knowing Upton, she means what she says and when she says it's hard, it's really HARD. I'm not a smart ass you know and I can't just memorize everything in one sitting. I'm not a visual learner either so it's hard for me to memorize the what the cell tissues look like and everything that goes along with it. It usually takes me time to get a hold of everything. Here I go again pulling myself down. I'm sorry I'm just so stressed right now that I say the most random things ever. I'm scared of our first test in Anatomy and the 5 paged essay in English. A huge bummer for this week. But I know God will never leave my side and He'll be there to help. He's been with me for 2 weeks and thanks to Him I didn't pass out on my 8am class. Though I'm extremely sleepy and about to sleep, God keeps me awake. I'm praying really hard. Sooo hard. :) Aja.

Hi Hater :">

2009-09-03T15:37:00.001-07:00

Ever since I dated Joel, there wasn't a time that I never had a hater. It's a compliment to him since he's the reason behind all these, but it makes me sad knowing that by seeing me happy, someone is totally against it. People would call me names and such. If you have any resentment about our relationship, can just please keep it all to yourself? You don't have to come and bash me with words nor make me feel that I am not worthy of him because I seriously don't like the idea. If you want me to realize that then you could probably send me a message saying "Hey Paula, you don't deserve Joel. He deserves someone better. So much better." or simply "Hey why are you so in love with your boyfriend? You look like a loser." Things like these sent privately, that I would appreciate. But broadcasting it to the whole world? Honey what are you? A freakin News Caster that you have to let the people know what's the latest juice? I completely understand if some people act that way. Maybe because they got so close to Joel that they were shocked when he suddenly had a girlfriend. Probably those people who were close to him, that I would understand. But "other" people who's only tryna mess with us? Daaang. What's there to complain when you're not even part of the "list?" For those of you who continually bitches around and will hate me for a while, go on. It won't make me less of a person anyway. Instead you're making me feel that I am truly a "somebody" for you to always talk about me all the freakin time . My name must taste really good. No wonder it's always in your mouth. :) Don't hate happy people. Hate the people who have everything in the world but choses not to be happy cos that's just plain bullshit right there. Don't hate me cos I'm happy with him. Hate me cos I'm me which you will never be. :">

Peace out.

Woo. Up and running for 10 months baby!

I think.

2009-08-22T04:24:00.000-07:00

Paula thinks..

1. She doesn't deserve Joel. I love him but then having me as his girlfriend doesn't feel right. I'm the most controlling bitch ever and I don't think any guy would like that. I have so much bad qualities which he doesn't like but I'm still grateful that he's still keeping up with me. But then, it makes me think sometimes that after all his hardship and sacrifices, maybe, I don't deserve him at all. :| It makes me sad but what the fuck.

2. It would take her 5 years to finish Nursing. Fuck the educational system here in the States it's so bulok and I don't like it. Unlike in the Philippines where all the classes are already laid in your hands, ours isn't. I haven't taken any Math classes yet and the class are always full. When do you think will I ever get into the program huh? 2012? FML.

3. It's better to just live here for good than stay in the Philippines and do practically nothing. Sure all your friends are there and all the good stuff are there, but I don't think I would survive in the Philippines. At least here, I could work my ass and get paid. But in the Philippines? Where would I be working with my age? Gentlemen's Club which are really disgusting? Fuck that. My parents are thinking of just going back to the Philippines cos they don't see the point of staying here when everyone is back home. Parents can be stupid sometimes.

4. Joel and I are no longer on the "in love" status which makes me sad again. Is it just me or we're really not that in love no more? Having Kristyl and Johann as our newest love birds makes me jealous. Jealous in a way that they're both totally in love with each other and you could really tell from the way they look at each other and even the way they smile. I DONT KNOW! Maybe I'm just over reacting once again but I feel that we passed through that stage. I felt that ever since our relationship got deeper and same with the love, we no longer have that long ass kiss on public and other things. We still kiss on public though and PDA is just visible all the time butttt I don't know! It's not the same anymore.

5. To top this all.. Paula thinks she needs a psychiatrist. After all that I said up there, I seriously think I need to seek help from professionals. I'm not going insane okay, I just need someone whom I can really talk to about my problems and just let this fuckin burden out of my heart and my mind. I'm the type of person that doesn't hold on to grudges really, but I never forget things. I have the tendency of bringing back the past and making you feel guilty about it which is not right. Mom said I have anger management to fix too cos I can never keep my cool. When there's something to be mad about I get really hysterical and shit. HAAYZZZ life. This is the only disadvantage when you're in America with no CLOSE friends nor other family members aside from your immediate family. Maybe this is one of reasons why I get all this kinds of weird behavior since I used to have 298337193 friends to go to when things are really down and Manang Maan is there for me all the time. :| Oh well. I'm done blabbing. This is one helluva random post. I feel embarrassed and at the same time insignificant. I hope I didn't make myself a little less of a person after you read this. :| Boo.

Pretty Wings

2009-08-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

In love and life, the most unselfish act and sacrifice is learning to let go. At times, it may be hard, but knowing when to give up the fight is always the greatest act of love. Tt is love at its purest form. Everything happens for a reason... no regrets. You just learn to cherish all the memories, both the good and the bad. And if by chance fate brings you back together, then you embrace it with open arms. If not then it wasn't meant to be. But the question remains.. Are you letting go for the right reason? How do you even begin to turn your back on something that always felt sooo right? How can you just throw away all that you both shared together? Memories are never erased. Whatever pain exists will not disappear. It is only repressed into a state of idleness and its revival is always imminent.

Unimaginable

2009-08-16T14:48:00.001-07:00

Have you ever felt so happy that you can't even stop smiling? :))

Have you ever felt so happy that you just want to hug every one in the house? :))

Have you ever felt so happy that all you want to do is glorify God? :))

Have you ever felt so happy that you see life on a different note now? :))

Have you ever felt so happy that suddenly, life is sweet? :))

Have you ever felt so happy so happy that you can't even express your happiness?

I'm happy as she is! :))

Glory to God in the highest. His will, will be done! Thank you Lord and you are the best!

Impulsiveness

2009-08-15T17:01:00.000-07:00

I hate to admit this but I think I have a shopping addiction. :| Boo. I'm turning Kim Kardashian by the minute and I don't like it. Whenever I'm at the mall, there is no way that I am not getting anything. Even if that means Mom and I will end up fighting the whole time, I wouldn't give a shit. I will shop whenever I want. Damn it. But things are starting to get dead set and Mom is becoming hard on me. We were at Forever21 the other day and I kinda had a lot of clothes in hand, all ready to go the counter and let her pay everything when she suddenly stopped me and pulled all the clothes away from me and she herself looked through it. She was like "You can only have 1 dress, 1 tank top, and one leggings." I'm like what the fuck? I still have Gladiator shoes in hand, a couple of rings, headpieces, purses and more dresses! School will start in no time and I needed new clothes but fuck that! Arrghh!

So clearly, I only got those she chose and left Forever21 instantly. I know I should have been more considerate of her because she works really hard for the family yet I spend money like as if we're all rich. Knowing that it was only last week that she got me a new pair of shoes and a new set of Victoria's Secret perfume and other stuff. Now I'm totally desperate of getting a job so I could spend things on my own and I don't have to ask money from Mom. I was thinking of selling stuff on Ebay too since I sometimes don't reuse my clothes. SEE I'm such a prima donna! Arrgh. And Joel promised me that he'll help me sell my things too. And he said he'll shop for me too. Isn't that sweet? lol. He seriously needs to stop me or else have a hard time in the future. When I'm in one store I loveeeee, even if it's not needed, when it's cute, I HAVE TO HAVE IT. Careful boyfriend, you don't know what you'll go through if you won't do anything. HAHAHA. Tssssssk. Do you think I need to seek advice from professionals? lol I sound so weird but I seriously need to just stay calm and not be impulsive in buying. Gaaaah.

P.S: Joel is in LA right now and I asked him to get me something. He asked me what it was and I'm like "Look for a Jennifer Behr headpiece. They should have that in LA." And he goes "Just a headpiece? Okay I'll look for it." HAHAHA. Yeah sure babe. It's just a headpiece. JUST a headpiece that costs around 500-800 dollars a piece. Goodluck with that. :)))))

P.S.S: I didn't tell him that those headpieces cost a lot of money. Hahahaha :))))) I'm such a mean girlfriend. He's probably at the counter right now and will probably end up NOT buying it. HAHAHAHA. I love youuuuu! :))))

Livin with a Monster

2009-08-15T00:46:00.000-07:00

So just like what my Facebook status is... "I am not happy at home anymore and I want to move out pretty soon." This has been an issue to my parents and to the entire Roldan family for months now. It pisses me off because they keep on going through my business when they don't have the "say" anymore. I am fuckin nineteen years old for God's sake, don't I deserve to have this kind of freedom? They would always tell me that even though we're here we still have to preserve our tradition and as we all know, no one leaves the house until they get married in the Philippines which is just plain bullshit.

I'm not going to go marry Joel right away nor get babies. We might move in together but that's the least thing I could do in order for me to get away from home. I'm currently unemployed and I have no dough so where do you think I'm going? And besides we're planning of going to Sacramento to finish college which is an hour away from Modesto. So basically, it would keep me away from home and since Joel and I will go to the same school I'm considering of moving out with him. We talked about this countless of times and he'll support me in everything I do and he would love to have me. But on the contrary, my parents are bitches and they wouldn't let me. They're just being selfish and they don't think I would be able to finish school if ever I move out which is totally untrue. I have dreams, aspirations, and wants in life and I wouldn't just throw it out in the bin. I'm going to be a Nurse and Joel and I will do everything to reach that.

My parents are just irrational. And aside from that, Dad and I never really agreed about something ever and we always end up fighting. I think this moving out thing would help strengthen our relationship because he wouldn't see me as often as we are right now and vice versa. And the house is not as peaceful anymore. Well, since when did we became peaceful? Like when Dad went home to the Philippines months ago? Seriously speaking, I want to get out of the house, primarily because of Dad. I never felt so peaceful and happy in my life whenever he's at home. It's either he'd make a HUGE drama about ME or he's scream like hell for no particular reason or if ever he had one he doesn't need to shout. I hate it when people yells at me and Dad does that everyday. I can't keep up with it anymore. It has been 19 years, I'm done with it. I'm just praying that I get to find a job that I want pretty soon and start earning so they wouldn't have something to say when I finally decide to move out. But my thoughts are FINAL. I'm going to move out soon. I'm just waiting for the right timing. I CAN'T TAKE HAVING A MONSTER AT HOME. Yes, and that monster happens to be my Dad. Sucks eh?

Have you ever felt the same feeling I do?
Do you have a good relationship with your Dad?

Not again.

2009-08-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

SWOOSH.

and he SCORED...AGAIN.

Take the lead.

2009-08-12T04:37:00.000-07:00

Usually when I'm all alone and I get to ponder about things I, for the most part think about the ugliest things that could happen in our relationship. It's not that I enjoy seeing myself getting tormented. Let's just say I'm just the kind of person who is very afraid of what the future holds that I over think things and I'm a hundred steps ahead of what's about to happen. And because of my jerky cognitive thinking, it almost lead us to end the relationship. It started a week ago when I felt Joel and I were just totally a train wreck and the pieces are about to come off. We were like light bulbs that were about to die. Plants that were about to wither. We were at the brink of our relationship and we thought we needed to do something about it. We did the necessary things needed such as giving each other space to grow, try and act mature as possible, and not to let any stupid thing get in the way. It kinda did work out for a day or two but with a temper like mine, it won't really go that far. We were like cats and dogs for days and even my parents noticed that. They wouldn't say a word of course because they don't want to be a part of it but Mom would always tell me to fix it calmly with Joel. For that entire week as well, I hold on to my promise and never attempted in calling. He was happy about it and I was kinda getting used to it.

But something just came up last Monday that I couldn't seem to hold on to my emotion that I started rappin like a black bitch on the phone with him. We started screamin and yelling at each other and the next thing I know, I was already crying at the hotel lobby. The argument started very light then I started bringing back the past which made him really angry and I started screaming at him and the rest is history. The core of this isn't about our another stupid fight but how his Mom easily became my spiritual and emotional adviser in an instant. Right after we talked on the phone, I called his Mom cos he told me she needed to say something. I never thought she would come up to me and would understand me, really. She explained to me everything that I needed to know. Excerpts from our 30 minute conversation were:

"I never really wanted him to go down there but after he told me that he never felt so happy in a girl before and this was the first time he felt so in love, I knew it was time for me to let him go though it hurt me."

"I know how much Joel loves you. See, he even came all the way from NJ just to be with you because he said 'Mom I want to be with her every single day.'"

"You've got closer to me already and I don't want you to be fighting all the time."

"Boys have the tendency to be insensitive and of course us girls, we would want them to come after us. But Pao, not all guys are like that. I want you to be strong. You wouldn't go anywhere if you're weak. Joel's my son but I don't want to see you fail as a person that's why I'm telling this to you."

"Joel wouldn't ask a favor from me to talk to you if you are not special and if he doesn't love you."

This may sound repetitive, but again, having said that by his Mom was just major for me. I can't believe she actually said those words to me and so much more. All through out our phone conversation, there wasn't even a minute that she didn't tell me how much Joel loves me. And by the end of our conversation, she really made sure that I know that he loves me and he's willing to do everything just to save this relationship. I told her while crying that probably I was just stressing out because we haven't been spending time together for awhile plus the fact that he was supposed to come with us in Tahoe but then he went to LA. Actually she even said more but I just don't have the time to type it all here.

Joel had his talk with his Mom too and I think that made him realize a lot of things as well. I have no idea what they talked about but there's one thing I'm sure of... We're both getting there and this love couldn't get much deeper! We may be the most unpredictable couple there is but we are proud to say that no matter how weird we are no matter how HUGE the fight is, we never back down to anything for as long as the love is there, there's no room for goodbyes. It's not gonna be easy especially on my part because my patience couldn't handle that long, but he would always tell me "Just try and vision the bigger picture in the future. If you'll continue being a bitch then things won't work out for us." which is true and which I appreciate the most. It feels so good knowing that person you want to be with for the rest of your life share the same dreams with you. :))))))))))) I love JCP though he is an immature bitch.

So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.

- The Notebook.

1000 steps behind

2009-08-06T04:52:00.001-07:00

Joel said

THE FLESH IS WILLING BUT THE SPIRIT IS WEAK.

CHEH! I'm trying my best here okay. I know I screwed up for the nth time but please give me time to adjust and get used to this. Just to let you know, this is not very easy. You know how much I want this to work out too and if you lose your trust in me then how could I trust myself either? Just have faith that I will be able to pull this off with a smile on my face. I know I have been acting grumpy and been bitching at you lately yet you're still doing the best that you can in order to keep me calm. Thank you for always being there for me and for tolerating my bitchiness. I already asked for God's intercession so He'll guide me through this. Pray with me that in time, my spirit will be strong enough to face whatever challenges life throws at me/us. I want you to be my last love and in order for that to happen we need to iron out the behaviors we don't like with each other. And I think that's what we're kinda doing right now. Just help me go through this and in time, I would be able to adopt it and there would be no screwing up and bitching. I swear! I love you! :">

4:51am and he just left the house. :))))))))))

Difficult measures

2009-08-05T02:20:00.000-07:00

So the typical boyfriend/girlfriend daily routine kinda changed. I don't think this is somehow going to make the relationship stronger but I'll give it a try. You know how the saying goes "Too much togetherness can cause boredom and tension within the relationship?" Well, we're kinda experiencing unexpected downfalls in our relationship right now but I'm not saying that we're on the stage where we get bored with each other. We've just been arguing a lot lately and I think that could be one of the reasons why we find our relationship not healthy anymore. I get pissed over the slightest things and same with Joel. I demand too much of his time which is not also right. He has a life of his own and I don't have to control that. If he really wants to be with me then he would make an effort in doing so right? I don't have to make all the moves myself because I'm just making things hard for me.

So the deals were:
1. No annoying phone calls. What he meant by that was no calling in between basket ball practice or no checking up on him every hour. I would like to make a comment on that because I don't normally call him every hour. I have a life too but I do call him A LOT. I'm guilty of that and he told me that his friends have been teasing him cos his phone rings all time whenever they play ball. So to take off the embarrassment, I shall not call. I will wait til he calls me.

2. From now on, he will control the situation rather than me. I have been.. let's admit it the one wearing the pants in the relationship for months now and I think it's time for me to give back the thrown. And I kinda felt that I wasn't worthy enough to "wear it" because I'm too controlling and I don't think it would help.

3. Last but definitely the least, since he has his friends already and they're sort of staying at his apartment most of the time, he can't stay here at home that long anymore. But that's not the worse part. There could be times when he can't even come here anymore because he's too busy accommodating his friends and such. It's hard on my part cos for the last 8 months, we've been together everyday and he never leaves my side. But now it all has to change. We need to work out our schedule and he can't come here whenever I want him to come except for important reasons.

So this was the deal that made me really sad and it started off today. We didn't talk on the phone that much and whenever he'd call he would just ask how I was doing and he's about to do this and do that. I know that's all the boyfriend/girlfriend has to do but I got inclined in talking to him on the phone, so I wasn't used of the 1-minute-phone calls. But what made my day was when he called in the middle of nowhere and asked me to dress up because he'll come pick me up. It feels rewarding knowing that after hours of sacrificing of not calling him and making kulit, he made an effort to go here 30 minutes after his basket ball practice. He said "Doesn't it feel different now that you don't always have to hit me with phrases like 'YOU NEED TO BE HOME NOW'". And I couldn't agree more. It feels really different knowing that he came here because he wanted too and not just because I told him to come. I'm really crossing my fingers on this one that this bullshit of not seeing each other that much and the act of being "emotionally dependent" would work.

I'm just talking this "change" one day at a time and I will for sure realize the importance of this. I'm just putting all my thoughts together thinking that this would really make our relationship even stronger. I just have to think that this absence will make our hearts even grow fonder. And I do believe in order to have a good relationship we must be emotionally dependent, especially me. So in order to this to work out, we need a little space to grow as individuals. And of course I should always keep in mind that Joel just wants the best for us and I believe that he loves me that's why he doesn't want this to be ruined. I just hope I would be able to manage this. AJA.

We miss you Clover!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

It was only last week when my brother excitedly told me that 2 of Clover's teeth fell off. I didn't understood why he was all excited and I was all composed when he said that not until my Mom explained to me that it somehow embarked Clover's maturity. After hearing that, I felt a little boo boo in my heart knowing that Clover is not getting any younger anymore. She's growing up really fast and I don't think I'd handle that. I would have wanted her to remain a puppy all our lives but I have to accept the ugly truth. I made my way to Joel's house right after and showed him Clover's tooth. He surprisingly was not grumpy when I showed him knowing that it was freakin early in the morning. I saw his gesture of looking towards the tooth and acknowledging it even though I know he was really sleepy to look. It was merely just last week when this all happened......then the next thing we know we lost Clover and we don't know where she could have been. :(((((((((

Joel and I rushed to the Dog pound early this morning getting our hopes up finding Clover there. We were praying since last night that hopefully they found Clover along the street and that she's safe and they'll give her back to us. On our way there, I was nervous..like I'm about to throw up. I already had this feeling that she wasn't there and we'd end up getting frustrated and I was right. Joel went to check out the found dogs inside the shelter and Clover wasn't there. :((( I started crying when he said "There are a lot of puppies there Babe. Do you want to adopt instead?" I know in my heart that no matter how cute the puppies were, I wouldn't trade Clover over them. He hugged me really tight and promised me that we'll look for Clover around Modesto. Now I'm at my school's library printing flyers out. I'm really praying to God that sooner or later someone with a good heart would return Clover to her rightful owners. I have never realized her worth not until yesterday. I know I often get mad at her for being too hyper active but I just want her to know that I love her beyond words. She was our very first "bundle of joy" and I coudn't ask for a better dog than Clover. Now that she's nowhere to be found, I feel like I'm about to lose my child too. It hurts. It badly hurts that I just want to cry it out and do the best that I can in order to find her. I'm asking a little favor if you could please pray with me. We are already desperate. We love Clover so much, especially Joel. He's affected more than I am for he's always with Clover. :((((((( Clover please come home! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much!!!! :((((( We promise to get you a new Chew bone when you get back and and a new pink collar. We love you and you are greatly missed!!! :((((((

We are a happy family.... :(((((( We miss you Clover!!! :(((((

I stood still

2009-08-03T03:32:00.001-07:00

I don't normally blog about the fights Joel and I encounter as a couple because I don't see the point. But now that it has gotten to a point where I can't take it anymore and I need to blog it out, I think it's almost time to let the people know that we are not a happy couple just like what I have been frontin for 9 straight months. We are not a perfect couple like everybody else. We fight a lot and most often than not, I always end up crying. There are just some things that boys don't understand. I don't blame him for being stupid cos boys are just born that way and I am not responsible for that. If girls are born to be immature and overly dramatic then boys are born stupid and callous! For 9 straight months, I try and front it like I'm strong and all but honestly, acting strong is not fun. You need to feel invincible like you can face anything that comes your way, but fuck that I'm tired of being invincible.

I'm the weakest person there is in the universe and do you think it was easy for me to be frontin like that? Hellzfuckingno. I only did that because I didn't want people to sympathize me. After all that I've been through with T----, I don't think I still deserve this kind of treatment. When I dated him I thought everything will turn upside down. I thought it will all be better. Well, actually it did for a while....then it sucked...then next day we're fine...then the next we're not. For almost 5 months we were on a roller coaster trying to figure out which way we're going through. And bitch it wasn't easy. I'd always find myself crying in the middle of the night because God knows how much I wanted this to work but how can we work things out if your significant other isn't even ready? It takes two to tango right? I can't do it alone.

I don't want him to sound so mean cos I know I had my "terrible" share in the relationship too. I'm seriously a control-freak, a little bit paranoid, and I'm such a jealous bitch. I know my attitude is intolerable and I sometimes don't think before I act. I get hysterical most of the time and he hates that. But FTW, that's all he's complaining. MY FRIGGIN ATTITUDE. He should thank me for heaven's sake cos I don't flirt around, talk to random boys, and do things that I know would ruin the relationship. I always take consideration our relationship and that's one thing I think he didn't had. I'm not saying that he didn't do me any good at all because out of 100, I'd give him a 70 for a job well done. Let's just say he screwed up that 30 percent up to it's highest level. Up to the level where I almost gave up and just let God take over.

BUT. There's always a but. After all the bullshit he has done to me and the time where he tripped and I was almost leading towards break up, I still gave him a second chance. Well actually scratch that because the chance was not given, it was already obvious. My friends were telling me that even if he didn't ask for it, I'd still give it to him whole-heartedly, and they were exactly right. Even after all the turmoil we've been through and we're dealing still, I get surprised every waking hour of the day I find myself day dreaming about him just like before. Like it never changed at all. Like I'm still in love with him the way I was in love with him the first time we actually went out. I'm aware that God can't do much and He's only there to guide, it's my call 99%.

Right now we're undergoing another downfall in our relationship and I'm just praying that he won't screw up big time because I don't know by then what would I be doing. Would you believe that after all these I still trust my guy? Well believe it or not, I still do and I will continue to trust him no matter what. I'm giving him the privilege I never gave to any of my exes and I hope he'd give importance to it. More than anything, honestly is the most important factor in a relationship because if there's no trust there's no love. I'm sorry Joel Carlos if I made you sound like a total crap but you know how much I love you and despite all the ugly things I said, you will always remain to be my ANGEL without a halo. HAHAHAH. I love you so much that I'm willing to forget everything for the sake of our relationship. We'll get better, I believe in US. :))

Undying gratitude to YOU.

2009-08-02T06:33:00.000-07:00

I'm putting my Yellow Ribbon up in honor of the late President Corazon Aquino.

I just finished watching The Buzz and I can't help but cry the entire time Kris narrated the last 31 days she was with her Mom. It was detailed so I know it was so hard for her to go back and reminisce how everything happened. Every tear she shed, I shed it with her. Yes I do cry a lot especially when things like this happen but this one's different. Our nation just lost a Mother and we're all grieving. How much more do you think Kris is feeling right now that she has lost her own? I felt her pain and I extend my deepest condolences to the Aquino family.

I may have not been able to see how you ran the country and how you were as a President, but having the entire Nation to tell me how good you were is too much already. You have inspired a lot of people and you are truly such an Icon of Democracy. You restored our Nation's democracy and we owe it all to you. You have not only touched the hearts of those people whom you were closest to, but you have touched millions of lives around the world. I salute you, the life you lived, and most especially for being the best President the Philippines ever had. God chose you to be our President during that time to make you His instrument of peace and justice. Your children and apos were very lucky to have you as their Mom and Grandma because you have shown them nothing but pure love and affection. Our country was and still is lucky that we were able to have a Mother who was courageous enough to fight for our freedom and whom we know, who truly loved her countrymen. May God be with you always and may you rest in peace Madam President.

PS: I know you're with Ninoy already and it makes me happy knowing that. Probably the Filipinos are somewhat relieved that though we lost you, you are finally with the man you love and with God of course. :) Your legacy will linger forever!

Online Friends!

2009-08-01T05:52:00.000-07:00

It's 3:41 in the morning and I feel a little nostalgic. I want to blog about a lot of things but I can't seem to gather all my thoughts and make a decent blog. I haven't done this in a while so excuse me if I trip on this one. Lately, I have been thinking about my Online buddies which by the way, I haven't heard of in such a long time. I know a lot of people know this, but before I got my "life" back, I used to be a bum at home with a laptop on my hand. I swear, I was the biggest loser in Modesto and I felt bad for myself. I tried doing things that could somehow stop me from isolating myself but I can't seem to focus. It fees like a part of me wants something...something I have to find out myself.

I thought it was my call for sports but dear God, right after that ball hit my head I said to myself I will never play that sport again. Then a job was offered to me a week after that but I'm going to take care of an Autistic child and I need to sleep over. I don't want to sound so maarte and all but I don't think I could handle that. I couldn't even take hold of James, wtf. Then this love for MR got me so interested and I began to research about her and stumbled into her "friendly abode." I started making friends the moment I signed up and I swear to God, they were the best friends I never had! Aside from the lovely lovely fact that we have the same likes and dislikes, we were all about the same age which made the discussions more interesting! After several months of looking for something that was missing, I finally got the last piece to my puzzle, it was my cyber friends. Actually scratch that, I don't consider them my web/cybe/online friends because they truly are my FRIENDS.

Since everybody came from different walks of life, we all learned from each other I think? Especially me. I learned a lot of tagalog gay linggos too! HAHAHA. And I have improved in Tagalog ever since I talked to them. I'm not saying that I can't speak fluent Tagalog because we usually converse in tagalog whenever I talk to my Mom, but it just got better! I became updated with the whatnots in the Philippines too because of them. I don't ask but they just talk about it and I love it. One thing I really love about them is that they never ever ran out of things to say. They just keep on rappin, and rappin, and rappin! They won't stop!!

But the thing that really touched my heart was when they started to talk about their lives to me and how their day went. Those little things that they share to me made me feel so special and I have never felt so trusted in my whole life. Knowing that you just met her online and you don't know a single thing about her yet she trusts you..that's the best thing ever! I was often told by some people that I should never talk to people online because they're too dangerous and it would give you nothing but a headache but they're were wrong! My friends proved them wrong. They were the greatest friends I never had and I thank God for that! It has been more than a year now since I knew them and I feel so bad because I haven't talked to them in a while. God knows how much I missed my life online but I'm quite happy having my life back too.

To Adrei, Hannah, Samantha, Leslie, and Ate Kate whom I was the closest to, thank you so much for all the time you've spent with me. Those late night convos in YM, our funny yet memorable chats over the forum and a whole lot more will always be remembered. I miss talking to you guys and I don't know what's up with you anymore. If I only have the power to juggle my time with my boyfriend, family, school, and online life then I would still be talking to you right now. But ever since we dated, I know I know, I just got so busy and haven't even been to the forum anymore. But anyhow, I'm just thankful that no matter how busy I am and though I kinda been ignoring your presence I could feel that you still consider me as you friend. I'm sorry if I kinda made you feel that way but that's not what I wanted to do. Probably I'm just a little confused on how to manage my time but I want you to know that I still care about you guys and I still want to see you when I get back. December it is! I hope I could all see you and spend some lovin time with you. :)))))))))) Thank you for your friendship and everything that goes along with it. Love youuuu guys!

P.S: This doesn't only go to those people whom I mentioned above but also to those people whom I got to talk to and who were really nice to me. I guess you all know who you are. Thank you so much for everything. :)) To all my Ate's out there you guys are the greatest!

Can we make up now?

2009-06-30T23:55:00.000-07:00

You gave me that smile,
when my heart began to break.
We started talking and it was fun,
you were the person God could make.

Slowly I fell in love with you,
I can't explain the reason why.
Maybe it was your enigmatic soul,
that gave me wings to fly.

Maybe it was your loving smile,
your warm and gentle embrace.
Maybe it was your soothing eyes,
that lit up the darkest place.

Maybe it was because you saved me,
reminded me of how love feels.
I don't know for sure the reason,
only the way you made my heart heal.

I look up to you, I love you so,
there may be times we would fight
But you will always remain to be my hero.

YUCK. Soooo cheesy. *Cough* Pardon me.
"Baby I know sometimes it's gonna rainnnnn"
- Neyo (Mad)

Shock Absorber

2009-06-30T13:04:00.001-07:00

I find it really annoying whenever people bitch slaps me with words like "His EX is a model. A BAM model that is." and another one like "She has the height...and you don't."

Read my lips people.
Who gives a shit?
I don't. :))))))))

Okay now, ask why I'm making an issue about this? Kaay, just so you know people from all over the world JUST WON'T stop. Ever since we dated I always get that kind of insult and I usually shrug it off. But what the heck? It's been almost 8 months already. It's been that long since you guys started pissing me off, and I want to congratulate you buttheads for you finally pushed the right button! You happy now? Just so you know, I don't have problems having short legs so why you fussing about it? If I have short legs shoud I be the one aggrevating and not you guys? And oh, I don't care if she's a model because honestly and conceitedly(haha) speaking, I know I'm better than her. IN ALL ASPECTS. HAHAHA. Disagree and you'll die. I know she often boasts that too but bleh. It's all good. She had her time, now it's my turn.

And oh why are you so proud that you're a model? For goodness sake, a BAM model? As if the world knows! I know I shouldn't be speaking like this because I haven't even achieved anything in my life just like she has *Pffft* being a model or walking down the runway, or endorsing something stupid, but fuck that. I have the man she's forever in love with and with that, I think I have achieved more than what she has achieved. I'm happy and if people can't be happy for me, I don't give a damn! I'm sorry but you people are getting on my nerves already. There wouldn't a problem in the first place if you didn't rub that in my face. I know that already okay there's no point of telling me same shit. I was even telling Joel that he must be really proud cos her Girlfriend is a model and he was lucky. I'm not that BAD after all you know. You just don't know how to get along with me. If you don't like me then I don't really have a problem dealing with that. I wasn't born to please any of you anyways.

Lihog lang nd nyo pag hilabtan kabuhi ko ky wla gd ko da ga ano cnyo. Kung nd kamo skn wala na kaso, suya-i nyo ko, tawaan, insultuhon, kg tanan2 na lain ubraha nyo skn...I don't care cos it wouldn't make me less of a person. In fact, you're making me feel that I am really a SOMEBODY cos you just can't help but notice me. :)))))))) Who cares if I'm from Roxas? Who cares if we only have 1 mall? Who cares if I talk fast? Who cares if we don't have THAT much taxis running around the city? Who cares if we don't have a lot of restaurants? And who are you calling "sunay" again? Me? REALLY NOW? :)))))))))))))))))) I dress better than you guys do! And heyyyyyyyyyy look who's in America having the brightest future? and totally living the LIFE!!!!!!!!! HATERS!!! Climb the highest cliff, jump off then call it a day!!!!! Sorry I sound so boastful but them niggas need a REALITY CHECK! My life was VERY peaceful before you came in the picture so please give it back to me!!!

If you can't accept the fact that Joel's dating someone that's not from your own city and you label sunay (esp to the ex who continually calls me that), Nigga, you make sure you remember my name... YOU'LL BE SCREAMIN IT LATER ON!

Oh I forgot.............................................

LIKE THAT? :)))
I'm a bad girl and you gotta LOVE it.

He wrapped up my 2009!

2009-01-15T12:10:00.000-08:00

I haven't really talked about how my New Year went, how I cried my ass out before the clock struck 12 in Times Square, how Joel went down all the way from New Jersey, and all the dramas I had days before we finally met. Now that I have the video uploaded, I think this is the right time to depict everything that has happened, but the only problem I have is that, I don't where to start. I have been contemplating on what to put here, and how am I going to condense everything that has happened. This might end up dragging, so I am suggesting that if you don't feel like reading a whole bunch of cheesiness, then don't go from here. :D Thank you.

December 26 2008 I was on my way to Big Bear California when Joel called my phone just to tell me that he wanted to talk to my Mom. I really had no idea what the talk was about, all I heard from my Mom was "Basta gusto nya dako nga bag. Kay amo na na gamit ya." After hearing my Mom said that, I knew he was going to get me a purse for Christmas because he knew that I really wanted a Coach bag! I felt a little kilig, but I didn't want to assume just yet. But seriously though, what I really wanted for Christmas was just to be with him on our Monthsary. I have been really praying to God that He'd make it happen. I thought to myself that maybe this is just somewhat his "bawi", that Joel has been buying me stuffs for Christmas because he can't be here on the 1st. :((

December 29 2008 Every hour, he'd bring up the topic about how wonderful it could be spending New Years together! And in every hour, I feel a little boo boo in my heart. :| He knows how much I want to spend New Years with him plus the fact that it's our 2nd monthsary, January 1st 09 just spells the word "unforgettable" for the both of us. Weeks before he already told me that his mom won't let him go here on the first, so since it was his Mom, I never argued, but of course I was still hoping that Tita Joann would let him go.

That night, I was on the phone with Joel when my cousin from the Philippines called. I hurridly gave the phone to Mom because I don't want him to hang up, so I said "Mom sturyaha lang anay si Joel ma sturya lang ko kay Stef." I went inside the room and talked to my cousin for I don't know how long. When I got back to the dining area to check if she was still talking to Joel, I saw them all sitting at the dinning table talking and looking very serious. The first thing I heard from my brother when he saw me was "Kabalo ka?" What a stupid question. How would I be able to know what was up if I was inside the room talking to Stef? It felt weird for a while but Mom was such a good actress and told me that my brother was just being a jerk and asked me to go inside the room and finish talking to Stef instead.

While approaching the dining area, I heard Tito Jesse said, "Bawww grabe!" then he placed his both hands in his mouth the moment he saw me. I was clueless the entire time. I think my daddy wanted to ask me something but Mommy held his hand and told me to call Joel back and talk to him in the room. I started to feel a little awkward because I have a feeling that they are up to something, but you know I wasn't expecting something really big. I thought to myself maybe Joel just asked Mom what I wanted for Christmas and stuffs like that.

December 30 2008 This was the day that I wanted to pull him out of New Jersey and kick his balls as hard as possible. The moment I woke up that morning, I already called him and God knows how many times I did. Mommy even asked me "Wala gapon?" and I was like "Hambal nya ma skiiboarding sila sang cousins nya I have no idea kung pakadto sila or what. He didn't say anything." I swear to God, every minute of that day, I never failed to call him, but fuck he didn't answer. Daddy and Tito Jesse even started to tease me telling me that Joel went INDOOR snow boarding. HAHAHA. (If you get what they mean!) I wanted to cry already because that doesn't happen most of the time, so I was left worried........and doubtful.

Night came and it was close to 12am when he PMed me in YM. I didn't want to talk to him at first because I was really pissed, but since he is just simply amazing and he I can't resist him, I talked to him instead. He was like "Grabe babe sagad2x sakon mag skii." something like that. I didn't actually remember what we talked about, all I know is that I am pissed and he is so dead.

December 31 2008 NEW YEAR'S EVE. I was expecting him to call me later that afternoon or early that night because he told me that he'll be home the day after, but congratulations, I didn't get any call from him. My "pissed-ness" jumped 100x times than normal and I can't help but cuss the whole day. Mom and Dad kept on laughing at me because I've been acting really snooty and I didn't even threw in a big fat smile that day. Later that night, before heading off to Universal, we stopped by Sta Monica church to hear mass. The homily was too touching that it even made me cry, not only because I missed my family in the Philippines, but partly because Joel hasn't called me yet and we are not going to spend the New Years together. :(

8 something pm inside the car, I just woke up from my 20 minute nap when someone called Tito Jesse's phone and he was like "Wala pa. Ara pa sila sa balay nag lakat ko." and then he turned his back looking at me and said, "Ari d si Joel?" I looked so confused and nervous at the same time saying "Anoooo?!" and then my Mom was like "Natuntuhan ka naman ni Tito mo Jesse, react2x dsn kg!" Since I just practically woke up and I think all my senses were still not "functioning", I let it go and didn't take it seriously.

8:50 when we got inside Universal and Joel has only 10 more minutes to call me or he is so busted. I told Tito Jesse that if he won't call me before the clock strike 12 in New York, I am so not going to talk to him for one week. 8:55 we were already at the center of the City Walk waiting for the countdown in Times Square. I stood in front of a large screen, idle. I don't know what to do. I wanted to cry, but I am trying all my might not to. I wanted to scream hecka loud to release all the anger that has been in my heart for 2 days now. I wanted to just vanish that night because I don't want to spend the New Years without even just a simple call from Joel. After the countdown, I couldn't take it no more, so I cried. It feels really crappy not having to be greeted by someone you love on a very special occassion. Everybody started teasing me and they were telling me that Joel has a new girlfriend already, this and that which made it worse!

9 10 we went upstairs to get some food because I was really hungry. Mom and I waited in line at Pizza hut while Dad, Tito Jesse, and my brother were outside. I was irritated while I was inside because I can see mommy all busy texting, who knows who that bitch was (hahaha), and I was just there staring at her. I was imagining myself talking to Joel on the phone, ONLY if he cared to call me. I think it was passed 930 when Mommy told me to go look for Tita Cheryl outside because we needed tables, so I did. When I went out, I asked Daddy if where was Tita Cheryl, and he was like "Ambot ah. Dri ka lang." So I waited outside leaning my back at the garbage can looking all gloomy when Tito Jesse suddenly handed me an uber big paper bag with stufs inside and he went "Pao Merry Christmas para na cmo!" and I was like "Ano ni? Halin kay cno?" I extended my arm to get the paper bag from him when I unexpectedly heard someone said "Happy New Year Babe!" Fuck that was it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was Joel and he planned all these! I didn't expect he'd come early and I didn't had a single clue! I swear! I should congratulate my parents for being such good actors because they played their role very well, same with Erika who was his main connivance. :D

The moment I saw him........ it was just so perfect. He was wearing the black blazer I wanted him to wear and we're both wearing black and white! I think I punched him 2893462713845237461 times that night because I can't still believe that he was actually there, and he even connived with my family. It was so overwhelming! When I got the hold of everything and my emotions were stable, we sat down and talked how he got there. He told me that he was supposed to be in LA on the 30th because that was his initial plan, but unfortunately his luggages I think were shipped in Frisco so he has to fly back to the North. From Frisco he rode the bart to Modesto to drop his bags off of James' house. He stayed in Modesto for one night, then he went on a 8 hour long drive from Modesto to Los Angeles. :D If there is such a word that surpasses EFFORT, then that would be the best word to describe what he has done. When I knew about it, my heart melted like I can't explain how melted it was! HAHAHAHA!

To cut the story short, he already wrapped up my 2009!

Times Square Drama

He surprised me!

By the way if you guys are curious about what's inside the big paper bag...... PM Me. :D HAHAHA. Kidding. Inside were 1. A Coach bag and it was purple! :D Well actually it wasn't purple, it was Lavender. 2. Ipod Touch! :D I didn't ask for it okay. Haha. 3. An Abercrombie and Fitch Tee and Sweater. 4. Abercrombie and Fitch Sweatshirt for Dad and Max and a Tee for Mom. :D Byeee.

The love we got.

2008-12-23T17:03:00.001-08:00

First love and true and ever lasting love differs. He is someone I share something with,a journey that takes a lifetime to complete. Its not all about finding someone else but finding your other half that would make you as one. He brings out the best in me, and holding on to that thought, I believe that just by being with him shall bring out the best life I ever could live. Love always happens but true and long lasting love happens once in a lifetime, and it happened. I found it once and never i will find someone like him. I've never expected before that I would meet him or be with him. Just like what I said, I thought what we had before we're just a big fat hoax. He was too hot for me and seeing a whole bunch of pretty girls swarming on his profile, my insecurity killed me that moment. Time went so swiftly that little did I know, I was already falling for him and for this "pseudo relationship" that we have, not realizing that what I feel for him was in fact, the most overrated word in the world, Love.

I don't remember how I started loving him, neither the day I realized I already love him. All I know from the very start is that, my love for him has no depth, its boundaries are ever expanding. My love and my life with him will be a never ending story. It will last longer than time, longer than forever. The memories we both have is like your LSS. You sing it over and over again and it just keeps playing. It's more of like a favorite song. No matter how many times it plays again, you never get tired of it.

The road to true and ever lasting love is never easy because it is so hard to find. I've hit all the bumps, crossed all the detours, but now I'm standing strong saying, Baby I love you til the end of time and I will never let you go. What we have is real, that no matter how far the distance between the two of us, our heart and soul travels through one's worlds. And we don't have to worry about that much anymore because we only have 2 more weeks left before we finally get to be together.

I love you even with your worst faults and flaws. I will forgive and try to forget your wrong doings. I will try not to be easily angered by useless things. I will forever trust you just like how I trust my life in you. We can't call this love real without problem, it has many obstacles, and I know we can make this work. We still have a lifetime ahead of us and with you by my side, we will endure this "unfair" and cruel world together.

People keep on asking me how much I love you, but I always leave them with a confused face because telling them how much I love you is a never ending explanation. Words won't be enough. I can't picture life without you. You painted my life, in times of darkness and I'm so thankful that I was able to meet someone like you. Someone I know that truly loves me, someone that I'll spend and share the rest of my life with until my last breath. You are my happiness, my life, my everything. I love you baby! Merry Christmas!

****************

My heart he takes
He'll always be my baby
We may bend, Won't break
But we got no one else to take
He's the sun when my day is low
I'm his picture in front front row
His love is the center of my attention
See I don't know what he'd do for me
That guy is my everything
We argue, we fight
Then we make up by the end of the night
Don't even speak it speak it
We know what we got

And I love him, he loves me
And this is how love should be
I'm down for the love that he got that, he got
And he stays down for the love that we got, that we got
I love him, he loves me
And this is how love should be
I'm down for the love that he got that, that he got
And he stays down for the love that we got, that we got

He's embedded in myspace
Every time he speaks he blows me away
Don't care what people say
As long as he's in the same place where I lay
See I'll be as that goes
I'm his princess he's my general
And no matter what you think about love Time wont outlast us
See yall don't know what he do for me
And I'm tellin you he's my everything We argue we fight Then we make up by the end of the night Yall don't kno what we got

The miles I'd walk for him are infinite

I'll run circles around the world
And everyday I'm beside him feels heaven sent

And all else is irrelevant
So keep on exuding your love on to me

Why I chose Joel over Edward Cullen

2008-12-16T22:52:00.000-08:00

The whole Twilight saga has taken over me and my boyfriend like seriously. Edward was like pretty much the perfect boyfriend, and every girl swarm over him. While watching the movie, I can't help but compare the uber hot vampire to my uber hot mortal boyfriend. Though some people think it's unfair, I pretty much see Joel in Edward Cullen. Twilighters please don't bash me, I am just the "feeling" Bella and sorry ha, I am in love. :))

I can't believe that I still have to watch the movie the second time around before I could realize that the whole Edward Cullen concept just reminds me too much about him. He may never be the most handsome guy there is in New Jersey and in Bacolod, but he sure was attractive enough to have caught my attention. He may not be as sweet as Edward to Bella, but he makes sure that I feel loved by his kisses whether on or off cam, his texts, calls, and the little things he does for me when I sincerely need it the most. He might not have Edward's special mind reading power, but I never have to say out loud what I feel because he knows it even before I start talking, and it amazes me everytime. He may never be that super rich Edward who lives up in the mountains, but he is thoughtful enough to buy me something from time to time, even my family! He may never be a fast mover like Edward, but he always show up whenever I ask him to. He may never be like Edward who doesn't sleep because obviously whenever we are having our late night conversation, he always as in always fall asleep, but I know he is trying his best to keep himself awake no matter how late it is in New Jersey and how early he has to wake up the next day because I am not yet sleepy. He is not Edward who sparkles when the sun hits his skin, but he sparkles every time I see him smile. He may not be "that" extraordinary like Edward because he's a vampire, but you are extraordinary enough to be mortal and live his whole life with me.

So there, I guess I don't need to say more because I have said enough. I think those reasons were valid enough to make him feel that no matter how close I want Edward Cullen to be my boyfriend, I would never ever choose him over Joel. =))

P.S: DIABETES! DIABETES! Sorry for being such a cheesy Miga.

All I can breathe is your life

2008-12-12T17:57:00.000-08:00

Love can feel like heaven and could hurt like hell. Pain and sorrow comes along with true and long tasting love. For love is never ideal but real right? It's true that if you have the courage to love, you must have the courage to suffer, and that to accept the rose you must accept the thorns. So I say, bring all the thorns! So whenever I'm in pain and I wonder what heartaches are for, I'll just let it pass. For the song Iris come rushing through my mind.

"You bleed just to know you're alive."

Remember?

Overload

2008-12-11T03:04:00.001-08:00

Months back, I remembered giving up on love. I remembered hating all men and my concern before was how am I able to keep up with 2 boys at the same time. I remembered telling God if He could spare me from this chickenshit because I am not going to love anyone that much anymore. I remembered telling Mom that I am not going to have a boyfriend not unless he is First love. I remembered telling Katrina that after 5 years I will be entering the convent and offer myself to the Lord. I remembered telling Tito Jesse that I won't consider having a long distance relationship anymore because it is so darn hard to keep. Just months back, I remembered telling myself that the only definition of love is Paula Roldan and no one else, but when I finally met Joel, things abruptly changed. I ate, swallowed and even digested everything I have said before.... and Love is not Paula Roldan anymore, Love is Joel Carlos Padilla!

Yes LOVE does hurt, it is forever confusing and it sucks most of time, but honestly? Love or rather my love for him is the only thing that makes me want to wake up every morning and greet sunshine with a smile. =D And yes Babe, I love you and God is my witness! I don't freakin care if some of my friends are being an ass and they don't approve for having you as the man of my life because in the end it's gonna be between you and me anyway. And, sooner or later they will eventually accept that fact that It is YOU whom I love and no one else.

Thanks for sticking with me Babe though I know there's too much temptation. I really appreciate that. Thank you for being the source of my happiness. Thank you tolerating my bitchiness especially when I have my PMS. Thank you for all the efforts you've exerted in our relationship and of course thank you for loving me just the way I am. =)) I may be too perky, too sabad, too childish, too immature, too drama queen, too CUTE hahahaha, too Paula Roldan, but one thing is certain, I love you and I love you and I love you and I will love you forever! HAHAHA. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life you!

Time Check: 3:01am

All I want for Christmas is You

2008-12-06T14:48:00.000-08:00

Excuse my cheesiness! =))

One more week!

2008-12-04T17:07:00.000-08:00

I only have one more week before my 4 week winter break!

Sweet!

But it would be a lot sweeter though if *ehem* boyfriend *ehem* decides to come down all the way from New Jersey, then I would be the happiest kid this Christmas! But I am not forcing you Babe okay? It's still your choice. I know it's too much to ask already since you just went here last week, plus your plane fare costs 3947236234240184 dollars but but but but I just miss you big time! =( Waiting til New Year is too long and I wouldn't take that. It's as if, life without you is so fckin hard. Maybe I just got used to our routine everyday when you were here. *Sigh*

Happy Monthsary!

2008-12-01T15:51:00.000-08:00

Life without a boyfriend is easy shit.

You don't have to go online every now and then. You don`t have to wake up early nor stay late just to have a talk with him. You wouldn`t worry about eating up all your minutes. No one would clamor about me being a bitch. No one would tease you all the time. No one will bite my nose nor tickle my ilok! Haha. No one would bang me anywhere if he`s na umol. No one would tell me that I have to go ligo already because I "stink". No one would tell me na "Babe, sabad2 cmo". There`s no one to slap my boootay. I have no one to release all my emotions to. I have no one to hold hands with when he`s driving. I feel so safe whenever he holds my hand. It`s as if we could endure all the pain and we`ll face it together. I`m so cheesy! Hahaha. No one will treat me out for breakfast, lunch, dinner and midnight snack! Hahaha. ... blah blah blah. But I came to realize that....

not having Joel in my life would totally SUCK! I have grown to love the unusual things he does for me. All the biting, tiklod-ing, torture-ing! Haha. Babe, you are one in a million. I love you so much!

I can't believe that it's been a month already since the first time I saw you, and it saddens me everytime that I can`t physically be with you any time I want but in spite of that, I'm still truly, madly, deeply, and very much in love with you. What we're in right now is not easy (f-ck those evil forces), but I trust that we can make it. Kita pa, we the best! :) Hehe.

Thank you for being MY MAN, for staying true and honest.

You are such a blessing.

I love you so much babe. Happy 1st month to us!

I feel so lucky for having him in my life. He never fails to make me smile whenever I'm chap fallen. I don't know! he's just that amazing. Indeed, He's the 8th wonder of my world. :) I thank God, as in I really thank God for him and the (unfavorable?adverse?) situation we're in. I will love him more as things get worse [I mean me PMS-ing and all. haha! but really, the discouraging distance, my i-wish-i-can-hug-you-ala-Barney moments! haha
Giving up is a NO NEVER NOT. naaa-ah. *snap, snap!*

I LOVE YOU BABE!

I could not ask for more!

2008-11-24T01:14:00.000-08:00

You are exactly my brand of heroine.
- Edward Cullen

It doesn`t take a reason to love someone. You just simply do. You don`t love someone because you want to, you love someone because you are destined too. It`s because you fall in love with them, that even when you try to find a reason, you always come up with the answer, No reason! You don` have to be friends with them first before you fall in love. You can fall in love with a complete stranger in a heartbeat, if God really planned that route for you. <333>

P.S: "Precious Moments" with Boyfriend kagina! =)) I wanted to share everything we talked about, but I will be a selfish bitch right now. Hahaha. I want to savor the moment muna! Haha!

And these are the moments
I thank God that I'm alive
And these are the moments
I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more!

We`re even!

2008-11-23T02:41:00.001-08:00

Feeling pain is somehow great---the type of pain that defies our solidity; the one that proves us that we are not all that insensitive; the one that remind us that someone can still get the best of us. But we shouldn't let it take a toll on our self-esteem and destroy the rest of ourselves (that would be shallow for someone like me who wants a rational-slash-memorable death). We should put to mind that when we can only get hurt once we're loved. This my sound over rated, but when we love, pain comes along with it. And that`s so true.

I`m so worn out but I`m damn okay. The facts are aggravating but I love it damn too much; they make me feel real and alive though it's not that overwhelming. I may not be the best girlfriend but I learn from all my flaws. Oddly, it adds to the excitement or thrill of a newly sprouted relationship. K, what the fuck, sprouted.

I just don`t want to deal with this anymore. I`ll let her win. I`m so done with this, ano binatbat ko sa 3 yrs and 4 months? Hahaha. So there you go, a conclusion to all this madness. I could only careless, I wouldn't let anything ruin everything. I guess if she still loves him, why not. As long as I know he loves me and not her, I`m good. What`s only irritating is that she`s keeping with me like. I`m like what the fuck? What for bitch? But whatever you know, I`m in not position to restrain her from doing it, so why stop her? "It's a free country" I`ll let go of what frustrates me. If I let it frustrate me, then she wins.. Two points for her. Zero for me. If I don't, then I guess we're even. :P

BOOM. All is solved. At least, I think it is.

P.S Thanks bitch, you have been really helpful. Haha. Thank you for waking me up early in the morning just to tell me something was wrong and all those crap. Thank you big time.

I`m mad as hell.

2008-11-14T01:40:00.000-08:00

I`m sorry but I just have to let this out!

I am having a hard time tolerating this kind of relationship, seriously! Though I love him beyond words, it is just so fuckin hard. :(( The ex girlfriend is forever disturbing, irritating and kills my bliss big time. How come she can`t darn move on? I pretty much understand that they have been together for more than 2 years, but that doesn`t give her the right to check up on MY boyfriend all the time, calling him everyday, and act as if they`re still together. Yes, you guys are friends, but what the fuck? Can you not get the picture? He is here, you are there. There is no way for you guys to rekindle whatever you had before. It is now me who he loves, and not you. So please, please lang gd ya, lihog, leave us alone.

If you think he`s still into you, then we wouldn`t be together right now. If you think he still cares for you, then why would he waste too much money and would come down all the way from NJ just to see me? If you think things are not yet over for the both of you, then why would he go back to Cali AGAIN next week just to be with me for one full week? If you think he still loves you, then why would he leave his life in NJ and plans to move here in Cali? Now, you tell me.

"If in one point in your life and you find yourself loving two person at the same time, go for the second one. Why? Because you wouldn't fall for the second one if you truly love the first one in, right?"

I am not saying I`m neither a third party nor a home wrecker because I never was- never will. He was single when we started dating, and it was just YOU who assumes that you guys are still together. Please stop, seriously.

Cheesy

2008-11-13T22:54:00.000-08:00

Never underestimate the power of love, it can definitely make you do things you won't normally do, it pushes you out of your comfort zone, it can make you feel like you are on top of the world but it can also tear you down into little tiny pieces and it can take you over completely.

One of my greatest fear was to fall madly in love. The kind of love where you would sacrifice everything for that one person, there is nothing wrong with that but if you grew up witnessing a lot of people giving everything they have for this one special person then it ends up to nothing, and all they are left with is nothing, it can definitely put you off love. It's heartbreaking to see a person fall out of love, especially if that was everything they wanted. Since I have learned from my mistakes, I told myself that I will never love a person with all of my heart, soul and everything. I just didn't want to see myself break into pieces AGAIN and be left with nothing. I never did like pain and I don't think I'd be able to handle it again.

But look at me now, currently deeply in love with this wonderful man. Yes! I have eaten, swallowed and digested every single thing that I have said before about not falling madly in love. Where did my bitchiness go? I thought I promised myself that I will never love again? And if in case love comes along, I`d just shrug off? Haaaay, it's amazing what love can do to you.

I know myself better now, I ain't stupid. I know the consequences of my actions, I know that if we fall apart I will be left with nothing and it will hurt like a bitch. The fear still strikes me at times, but I couldn't care less, I've never felt so happy, loved, completed and contented in my whole life. He is everything I have ever wanted and what we have is so darn wonderful. There is no way I'm going to let a stupid fear hold me back! True love comes, and it only comes once!

Even if we do fall out in the end, at least I know I have given him everything that I have and did everything that I could for both of us. I will always love that man, always and I will never ever find another man like him. =))

I feel blah.

2008-11-10T14:52:00.000-08:00

I was walking pretty slow up to room 210 when Ruben bumped into me and asked if I was okay. I said I was fine, but he insisted. I was about to spill the deets when Mrs. Stovall called us outside the room and told us class will start in a while. I was slouching in my chair when another person came up to me and ask if I was okay. It irritated the shit outta and said IM OKAY! Mrs. Stovall heard me shout, so she started to calm everyone down and were asked to sit with our groups because we will watch the Presidential speech. I walked towards group 5, at the far right corner of the room and just sat there. I heard them mumbling some words, but I can`t seem to comprehend. For a sec, I thought my world suddenly stopped and it was just me. Nicole tapped my back and asked how I was, "I`m cool", I said. Lauro laughed at me and said "Obama just finished talking. Did you even wrote something?" I swiftly jot down some words that was somehow similar to them and acted as if I saw the entire speech. "The speeches went by really fast!" I said. "Uhhh, that was pretty long. 13 minutes from Mccain and 19 from Obama? Too much lying right there!" I was stoked in my seat and I never thought 33 minutes has passed. Discussions came and I was staring blanky on a piece of paper. Little did I know, I was looking through a piece of paper where his name was repeatedly doodled. Shit. Right when I saw his name, I felt like in a snap, I was back. I don`t really know how to end this blog, I`m just out of my mind lately and everything seem to be just a blurr. I have not kicked in a smile since this morning and it sucks. CONFUSION overload. God I need answers. I`m becoming too preoccupied about the stupidest things and I`m not liking it. I have too much responsibility to attend to and its`s just so frustrating that I can`t act "normal." I`m really sad right now, but I will keep my chin up as if my nose is bleeding.

JCP

2008-11-07T03:09:00.000-08:00

I love you, and it`s all that matters. =))

I couldn`t be any happier than I am now, thank you so much. I am happiest when I`m with you. I`m sorry na lang sa iban na girls, but I am keeping you forever. They could always try another lifetime though because I am not letting you go. I love you always and forever babe!

I ♥ You

2008-10-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

WARNING: If your speakers are pumped up, please lower it down. :> Hahaha.

Am I a bipolar?

2008-10-26T15:58:00.000-07:00

Okay I just realized that my last two blog entries were very much melodramatic and not to mention, very dragging. >:p I`m sorry, I was just exaggerating things yesterday and I had my PMS, so that pretty much explains it all. Haha. I feel a lot better now, thanks to those people who cheered me up yesterday. Thank you Ava, who sent me a comment both Plurk and in here, to my online friends who kept me sane the whole day and to my forever endorphins: chocolates. Without you guys, I could`ve died yesterday. Haha. Over, pero it`s true, I owe you one!

Lately, I have been acting like a total bitch and I don`t like it. Well, though admittedly, I am one (hahaha), it happens very rare. I only bitch around when there`s something to bitch at, but other petty reasons? Oh hell no. It`s so ironic how I bitched at people this weekend just after my midterms. Beat that! I know I should be happy and all because I`m so done with it, and I won`t have any tests not until finals, but it`s turning the other way around. Blame it on my PMS. Shit. or do you think I`m turning BIPOLAR? Haha. Oh please nooooo!

Every time Joel and I talk on the phone he`d go "Para kang bipolar. Minsan super happy, tapos minsan puro drama." I know he was just kidding, but it really hurt my feelings. I don`t find it funny, seriously. Quoted as being a bipolar is not a normal thing, I mean c`mon, when you`re bipolar it means there is something wrong with you. You need to consult a freakin doctor, it`s an illness! Waaaah. I know in my heart that I am not a bipolar, I`m not even on denial because it`s the truth. Maybe I`m just exaggerating things and thinks way beyond the normal thoughts, that`s why. What do you think? :|

Eat with me.

2008-10-25T18:40:00.000-07:00

Chocolate releases endorphin- Endorphins make you happy. Chocolates also cause certain endocrine glands to secrete hormones that affect your feelings and behavior by making you happy. Therefore, it counteracts depression, in turn reducing the stress of depression. Your stress-free life helps you maintain a youthful disposition, both physically and mentally.

I want to feel better. I have not received any messages/call from him today. I feel sad that`s why I`m munching on these little fellas. Yesssuh, I let my Dad drive all the way to Walmart just for `em. I want to be happy! Let`s all be happy people, come eat with me! =((

What goes wrong?

2008-10-25T15:53:00.000-07:00

Geez, I hate myself for being such a drama queen. I know life is all about drama, but in my case, drama is an everyday thing. I have no clue if I am indeed a Bipolar (haha) or my mood swings/bitchiness is just caused by my PMS, seriously. I hate it when I blubber over petty things. It`s so immature. I know when there is love, pain comes along with it, but that doesn`t mean that I have to mull over it every day right? Fuck. Looking back on how I was before emotionally, things haven`t changed that much and I hate it.

Being in love is a magical feeling. The emotions are strong. It is so exciting that it may be hard to juggle both school and family responsibilities. Sometimes people confuse real love with the possessive love they may see on TV or the movies. They believe that love is only love at first sight. But really, mature love takes more time to develop. A lot of teens, count me in, believe they are in love once they feel the giddy feeling inside their tummy. Once they feel that someone cares and loves them big time. But, is it all just about that?

When we`re in love we “sometimes” give up all our friends just to be with him/her. Sometimes, we even stop doing the things we normally do just because our “other half” doesn`t was us to. We tend to be super possessive and won`t let our partner go out to party, for they might just flirt around and forget that they have a girlfriend/boyfriend. We get really jealous of any time our love ones talks to another person. Others are forced to do things they do not want to do, which could lead to unhealthy relationships/immature relationships. I have been in an immature relationship two years ago and honestly speaking it was hell.

My Ex boyfriend doesn`t trust me and he doesn`t even want me to go out and socialize. It was indeed Martial law. What he wants me to do is just sit at home and do nothing. There were a lot of “don’ts” and because I loved him too much, I followed every rule he bestowed on me. But then I thought, if he really loves me, he will trust me and will let me go out and socialize. God, we have known each other for years before we dated, so he knows pretty much a lot of me already. I didn`t see any reason why he should keep me at home because my exes before him is out and about with their present girlfriends! Haha! THERE WERE NO REASONS AT ALL. But to top this, all I want to say is that I don`t want to be in an immature relationship no more.

Aside from the fact that you get to have a lot of rules to follow, you don`t get be YOURSELF. There`s always this big wall in front of you that hinders you to do things. That is not love. If you love someone, you will let him/her be. You will trust her/him no matter what. If he/she cheats on your, it`s already out of your responsibility because you know you did your part. Mature love lets you be you. You can be yourself, and respected for it. People who share mature love do not see the other person as the solution to their problems. They see the other person as a wonderful gift. They spend time with each other's families and friends. Mature love relationships do not cause people to give up their values rather helps them to keep it.

I`m sorry Joel for acting like a total bitch last night. I know I should`ve just stopped bitching and talked to you instead. I know you tried to keep your temper, but I was just in controllable. I`m so sorry, I swear this won`t happen again. “Immature love” took over again last night, I swear last na to. I`m so sorry. :( I love you Babe always and forever!

Daddy`s little Princess

2008-10-24T15:54:00.001-07:00

Daddy doesn`t care if I`m 18

He doesn`t care if I`m already in college

He doesn`t care if I already wear clothes than a normal teen/young adult do.

He doesn`t care bringing me to school every single day and picking me up after

He doesn`t care if I can`t cook for myself because for the most part, he does all those.

He doesn`t care if just sit at home and do nothing.

He doesn`t care if I throw in tantrums and such.

and most importantly he doesn`t care if I am OBVIOUSLY legal because I will always be my Daddy`s Little Princess.

It`s funny because whenever Joel and I are on the phone he would make sure that he`d say something that would disrupt us :)) Hahaha. Hayy Daddy. :))

I love Daddy!

2008-10-21T20:32:00.001-07:00

We were on our way to starbucks a while ago and when i got into the car, country music was blazing through the stereo. I was like

"dad can you tone down please?" and he goes "ngaman? (why?)"

"uhh cuz the windows are open and everybody could hear your lame songs. if you want to listen to country songs then put the window up." and then he goes.

"wala ko labot, country boy ko e!" (I don`t care, I`m a country boy!) and he freakin grinned his ass! hahahaha. :)) UHHHH. OKAAAAAAYYY!

I got irritated so I switched to it khop, where they play pure pop and rnb songs. Low was playing and he started singing. "SHONEY got low low low low low!" At first I didn`t get what he was singing cuz he was mumbling the words and shit but after the second chorus, omg. hahaha. After hearing him sing, I swear to God I can`t even catch my breath from too much laughing. Hahaha. SHONEY instead of SHAWTY? Oh wow! So I was like "maybe you really should stick to country music!" Haha. That made my day! :))

Garbage Much.

2008-10-20T02:45:00.000-07:00

I am "home sicked" and it`s not even funny. But it`s not homesick as in I`m missing home kind of way, maybe it is more of like heart sick for all the things that i cant get back. Idk, its just hard for me to define myself. I live in the past, in the memories I have, with the people I love and it sucks big time. It`s hard for me to fall in love, it`s hard for me to commit myself to others and it`s hard for me to take risks simply because I`m still attached to my past.

But I was wrong.

I must learn to let go and open my heart once again. I know it wouldn`t be easy, but I have to. It surprises me sometimes that I don`t think about "him" that much anymore. He`s becoming indiscernible in my life and I want to happen it that way. Thank you so much babe for helping me get through my hell life. I thank Joel in particular because he saw the beauty in me which "him" never did see. He made me feel that I am worth loving and just like what I said in my previous blog, he keeps me going.

Okaaay back to first love, you know what I have learned lately? I swear, you wouldn`t even consider this, but I have learned that I don`t actually "miss" First love. What I miss is the good memories we shared together and the things he used to do for me. He is this one guy that would do anything for love. He was close to perfect and he is every girl`s dream boy. Haha. Seriously. That is why his girlfriend can`t blame me. "He" was my first ever serious boyfriend. We had this intimate relationship for more or less 4 fuckin years- the first two years were awkward and the last two were the major ones. So tell me, do you think I DON`T have the reason to act like this? Bullshit.

But then again, whatever. I am so over this issue and I don`t want to bring this all up again. I am much much better now. I know where I made mistakes and I won`t commit such flaws again. I am happy with my life right now and things just get better and better everyday. Whatever Joel and I both have, it may last for awhile or for a lifetime, I don`t care. All I know is that he loves me, I love him and it`s all that matters. =)

P.S: I just talked to my friend Shana and she just told me that THE CURRENT GIRLFRIEND is still talking trash about me. Well not quite, but she still asks random questions, pinipilit pa din na hindi daw true love, na I was immature and all that crap. You know what Girl, the only thing I could tell you is MOVE ON. I have moved on, so sana ikaw din. Yes I know you don`t care about me because you don`t even know me personally- right on bitch I don`t know you personally too. So why be insecure? =) Pero don`t worry, once I get back (which is next yeat) I will be the one to introduce myself to you ng bonggang bongga. =) I am already happy with Him, so whatever issues you and Tilos are going through, I`m out of it. I am happy regardless the nasty shit your garbage mouth is saying. =) Anu daw? Pota. Haha. Babye na.

Love, me

2008-10-19T03:10:00.000-07:00

To be blunt, I have no idea why he suddenly came along. I actually never imagined this to happen because I was too much stuck in my past that I never thought about having another boyfriend. But since God moves in mysterious ways (haha!), he sent one of his angels from heaven, and with no doubt at all, Joel sure captured my heart in a snap.

Dear Joel,

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I fee like this is all planned by God and this is not just plain fate. I know I sound too cheesy but I don`t give a damn. I love you endlessly. I love you with no hesitations at all, without queries nor complexities, I just Love You. You are my inspiration and you keep me going. Thank you Babe, I just fuckin hope you feel the same way.

Love,
Me.

Amazinggg

2008-10-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

I received two amazing awards while I was away! =)) Yey. But I feel bad though because I wasn't able to tag the awards back ASAP. There were just a lot of Midterms this week and I was going nuts. Anyhoo I`m back my cyber friends, and I can`t thank you guys enough for reading my blog and for still continuously reading my rants. Wow. I never really expected this. lol Thanks!

Once accepting this award, the rules are as follow:
1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded you.
3. Nominate 10 other blogs.
4. Add links to those blogs on yours.
5. Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs.

Thank you Cutreenuh for giving me this award. lol. I don`t really find my blog cool, but I`m glad you appreciate it. =)) Thanks so much! I am passing this blog to the following people: Eunice, Camille, Jhei, Joesyl, Cassandra, Ivy, Joana, XTY and Catrina.

Rules:
1. Link the person who started this award. (GEnYZe)
2. Link the person who "LOVE" you.
3. Post the rules on your blog. This is what you are now reading.
4. Tag 7 people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they have been "LOVED" and leave a comment on their blog.

I also wanted to thank Ava for the "I love you this much" Award =) Thanks! I also love yours so I am tagging you back. lol Now I am tagging Ava, Gel, Rosadelle, Nica, Karla, Bianca and Ate Nadz.

P.S: I will be blog again tonight. I wanted to condense everything here but I don`t want to screw the awards shizz. This entry is just for the awards itself. Haha. :))

Nothings gonna stop us now

2008-10-13T17:59:00.000-07:00

I feel marvelously different when I woke up this morning! Haha! Seriously. I woke up due to Nicole`s 4 missed calls and when I finally got to talk to her and I had all my senses back, I was like "Nicole I feel different!" Haha! and she went "Ohh maybe because you`re talking to me! haha"

Whatever. Haha. That`s not it. I feel different. Idk. It`s weird. When I woke up this morning I was all smiling which doesn`t happen most of the time. Usually when my phone rings, (when I`m still alseep/in bed) I throw it somewhere in my room so I wouldn`t feel it vibrate. Haha. But now, I don`t know!!!!! Haha. I am weird. :)) I feel like keeping my phone close to me so that when he calls, I`d have it right in my hand! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

I just hope and pray that things will work for the both of us. I ain`t looking for a perfect relationship/perfect boyfriend. As long as I know he`s there for me and he loves me, I could not ask for more. I know too that I ain`t gonna be his last, never his first, nor his only. He loved before, and he will love again. But if he loves me now, what else matters right? He is not perfect, so am I. If he can make me laugh and he admits to being human and making mistakes, then I`m good. He may not be thinking about me every moment of the day, nor text/call me as often as always but I know he is willing to give me his time. I am not looking for Mr. Right who would come and save me neither for someone who will never hurt me because that is not going to happen. I see life on a positive note now. I smile whenever he makes me happy, I giggle whenever he makes me kilig and I tell him how I feel. This time I won`t let my horrible past gets in the way. Everyone is prone in making mistakes, so why hang around? :))

You don`t wait for love, love looks for you. =D

Surprisingly, I didn`t look for love neither prayed for it to happen love found me- love found us. :))

I feel loved and blessed! Thank you Jesus! :)) Yey!

November 7 would hopefully seal the deal. :))

****
I did this during English Class. My groupmates strated cracking up because I didn`t pay attention to the lecture and stuff because I was busy doing the 13 signs. Haha. Sorry naman, in love lang naman ako. =))

You know you`re in love when:

1. You don`t fake a smile.
2. You smile out of the blue.
3. You can`t put that friggin smile down.
4. Your cheeks/jaw hurts because of too much smiling.
5. You smile upon waking up.
6. You start singing love songs.
7. You sing out of nowhere.
8. You start telling your friends about this one guy.
9. Instead of writing your name down, you end up writing your lover`s name.
10. You become cheesy more than ever.
11. You feel wonderfully different.
12. You become too clumsy.
13. ..You`re happy without even exerting too much effort. You`re just plain happy. :D Doesn`t it feel splendid? Hellzyeah.

Oh by the way, why 13? - it`s fate. :))

NE-YO♥

I think I`m in love.

2008-10-11T04:14:00.000-07:00

I can`t sleep! What the fck. It`s barely 4:30 in the morning, but I can`t keep my eyes shut! I`ve been trying really hard to sleep because I have too many accords to attent to tomorrow, but geez I have been lying in my bed for 1 hour now! I know I just had Starbucks to always keep me awake, but it wasn`t just about that.

5 hours ago, I was talking to this guy I really like. He is the sweetest guy ever and he just swept me off my feet! =D I know boys usually do that to get the girl`s attention, but what the hell I enjoyed every minute of it! Carpe Diem! Haha. I have not felt this for a long time and it feels really weird slash good know that someone likes you big time. I just hope and pray that he won`t turn out to be a jerk because I wouldn`t take another heart break. I`ve been through hell and back; and I`m afraid I might end up being psychotic! Hahaha.

Actually, we are not going out just yet. We still have to get to know each other more before we committ ourselves. I am in no rush in having a boyfriend and I think so does he, so we are good. What worries me though is since he lives in New Jersey and he only goes to Cali whenever he can, we might have some problems regarding "spending time with each other" kind of thing. Admittedly, I am very much of a demanding Girlfriend and I should always get what I want so having him here in Cali is most likely NOT going to happen. I don`t know if this would lead to something though, but you know I`m just rationalizing things before it happens. I sound so sure about this relationship, gosh I hope I won`t look like a loser. Haha

Maybe I just like him too much that I am becoming frail more than ever. But just like what Catherine said in Iisa Pa Lamang "Ngayon, mamahalin ko siya ng naka bukas ang mga mata ko. Hindi na ko magpapabulag sa pag-ibig." I guess that tops my entry. Pray for me guys. I don`t want to have another blood curdling love life. =D

Nevertheles, I was happy!

2008-10-09T21:43:00.000-07:00

This week was hell! If there`s a word that surpasses the word hell, then that might be the right word to describe how my week was. Monday we had an in class essay yet again and for the second time around, I did pretty bad. I passed the exam itself, but I know I could have done better. Add the fact that our group was kind of "suspended" last Monday for being too noisy, throwing papers and wasn't paying attention to the Professor. Gulp. I know we smart, but we cool too! Hahaha. We left the class 30 minutes before it ended. Woohoo.lol

I had to get up extra early Tuesday because I still have to print my Sociology paper in school; only to find out that the paper was due Thursday. Fawk! God, she didn`t even informed us about changing the deadlines. I was rushing through the library just to have it printed! And by the way, I had to print my paper in our school library because she wants us to use this certain kind of paper that only our library has. See, what a bitch. Oh well. I don`t like that class, I never liked that class. Psychology went pretty well because Professor Merchant was in a good mood. We did nothing really major but talk about what we did last weekend. Yes! The whole one hour and 30 minutes, all we did was chat!

I slept 3 in morning (that was Wednesday EARLY in the morning) hoping I could get my ass out of my bed before 12, but uh-oh. I did not! I woke up at 12:45pm and my class starts at 1. I hurridly went to the bathroom and took a breif (when I say breif bath that means no conditioner, no proactive, no bubble bath what so ever!) bath and left. I arrived at the West Campus looking like a kindergarten who just got out from the shower. Gosh, it felt weird! My classmates were making fun of me and asking me if we have blowers at home. Haha. I swear to God though they kinda molested me on how I looked, it made my day!

Thursdays always makes me happy. Aside from the fact that I get out early, Thursday means I have no class the next day! Yey! Psychology today spelled the word stress and confusion. We talked about the different personality perspective and I just went gaga over it. It was easy to know the definition of each, but when you start analizing it gets confusing! Sociology was boring as usual. Well, who wouldn`t get bored if your Professor talks in same tone she does everyday. I swear it doesn`t change. I know for some reasons we like it that way because she doesn`t get hysterical or something, but dude it bores the hell outta me. Actually, I even had a 15 minute nap while she was lecturing! Haha.

-- Okay I know this doesn`t sound hell-ish to you guys but in the middle of those classes, I had to do paper works. When I get at home by 3, I start doing my homeworks and work on my essays and shit. I had the worst week so far and it`s just starting. Deadlines are coming my way and I have to get them all done ASAP. I swore to myself that I will start doing all it this weekend, but I guess I would pretty much procrastinate AGAIN. But who knows, I might not. :)) I am just enjoying the time I have now. :D College life is BLAH.

Solid

2008-10-06T00:38:00.001-07:00

Pure Happiness- this is what I have been struggling to achieve almost 1 year now. But what I have realized lately is that, I should be happy on my own and not depend on someone who can make me happy. I thought that being single is the worst status you will ever be in but no, I don`t think it is. That`s why I chose to be single. It`s not because I am afraid to fall in love again and end up being hurt, it`s more than that. I want to be happy on my own. I want to be accountable for my own happiness and for my good mood for the entire day. I have been used to always have "someone" there for me all the time. Someone to make me happy, make me feel special and someone to just be there for me when I need him the most. I had my first boyfriend when I was in 1st year high school and from then on, I was never single not til last year. I don`t mean to sound arrogant but what can I say, boys just come knocking on my door! lol. So, because of that I have always been dependent on someone, but I thought to myself that that is not the way to go. I believe that if someone wants to be happy, she/he will find ways for her/him to be happy! Some people say that you need your boyfriend/girlfriend for you to feel that you are complete, but dude, it`s not just all about them, this is all about you- about me!

Hay...

But I wish it was that easy......

P.S: I was inspired to write because I was listening to Colbie Callait`s Realize and I swear to God, it gets me every time.:( First love issues yet again.

Sad Christmas.

2008-10-04T01:35:00.001-07:00

The cold weather is here yet again. :| Boo, I never liked winter. Though a lot of people have been anticipating for this cold slash chillaxing weather, well guess what I am not. Aside from the coldness it brings to my skin, winter also means Christmas which for me isn`t "Christmas" anymore. I hope you get the point. This will be my third Christmas here in California and I am not sure of what will happen to us this year. I am afraid that I might only get upset again for spending Christmas here and will put the blame on Mom. I know I should not, but what the hell? If she was not persistent enough to go here, then we might still be in the Philippines living a simple and happy life. I am not saying that I am not happy here or staying here in Cali is just a waste of time because honestly speakin, it sure wasn`t. Who wouldn`t want to be in the land of opportunities? Who wouldn`t want to earn extra buck for his/her family in the Philippines? There`s just too much to consider. Roit.

But in point of fact, what I really want to say is that Christmas for me now is just a blur; nothing really special going on. Ever since we got here, every year`s Christmas is spent with numerous of unfamiliar people acting as if we have known each other for years. Man, I tell you it feels so awkward! Last Christmas would be my worst Christmas ever because aside from the fact that Mom wasn`t with us during Christmas eve, there were crapload of people I barely know. What even hurt me most is when they started giving out presents and I didn`t even get anything. Haha. Of course I`m kidding. However, it kinda made me sad though because it made me think how we usually spend our Christmas in the Philippines. :( We may not always have the best food in the table for Christmas Eve, I may not get what I truly want for Christmas, as long as my family is together in that very special ocassion, I am all good.

I am crossing my fingers that this year's Christmas would be at least an "okay" one. Since Mommy will be having her 2 weeks off for the month of December, I wish we could have a quality time together as family eventhough my Grandma and my Uncles and Aunties that I am closest to wouldn`t be here. :( I`m getting my hopes up that this year, I would have all the joy and pride to say "Merry Christmas!"

Sorry for this one depressing entry. I swear to God, everytime Winter comes closer I just get more depressed. You can`t blame me though, I was born and raised in the Philippines and for my 16 years of living there, I have grown to love and get used to our Culture. Americans don`t give a damn about Christmas, they seriously don`t. They actually give more attention to Turkey Day which is the Thanksgiving rather than Christmas. What a bull. But whatever you know, I don`t really care Christmas still tops my favorite season. I only kind of lost my interest in it because I know the essence of Christmas is having to put all your family members together thanking the Lord for giving us such a wonderful family, but I am cheerless to say that we won`t spend Christmas that way anymore. It has been three long years since we stopped celebrating "Christmas." It`s just so upsetting because we only have petty reasons why we can`t spend it in the Philippines. :(

Hay hay hay, Lord please help me go through this excruciating pain I am feeling. :(

Loser.

2008-10-02T22:38:00.000-07:00

So I was just wondering if I am the only teenage girl who doesn`t read Stephanie Mayer`s book Twilight? I heard it made such a huge hit early this year(?) and every body is just talking about it; just like my friend Nicole! Gosh, every time I`d sit beside her, she`d always tell me how Edward Cullen is so hot and she would even narrate the whole story! How obsessed can she get man? I was like "Gosh Nicole, you have some Twilight issues!" Haha. Omg, she seriously does and the rest of her friends as well and I am always left dumbfounded every time they`d start talking about it. Like c`mon now? What does Twilight have? Lambs? Lion? Haha. I don`t even know, for heaven`s sake! A lot of people have been encouring me to read the book but I don`t want to. Reading is not just part of my system and I don`t want to read a bunch of crap just to understand the whole story. At least in Gossip Girl they have their own show, I don`t have to go over every book Mayer has just to understand the whole meaning of the Lion who fell in love with the Lamb cliche/line.

Don`t get me wrong twilighters because I am not against Twilight or whatnot. In fact, I feel like a loser for not reading thebook because almost all of my friends are just so into it. Now, I know how it feels to be at the back of everything and you just can`t relate. Haha. Oh well. That`s all for now. Sorry for rambling. :))

Snippets.

2008-10-02T01:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I said in my previous blog entry that I am actually on hiatus for the whole month of October, but guess what? I am so back and I have lots of kwentos. Haha. First off, the said to be "copy cat" apologized to me 2 days ago. Yes she did and I was happy she did. Here. I don`t mean to be ruthless for calling her names though but what she did was just not right. But, after reading her message I kinda felt bad. I know I should have not called her names and broadcasted it to the entire cyber world instead, I should have talked to her. Tsk. I`m really brutal like that. Tsk. But oh well, I don`t feel sorry for myself though. I know where I stand. I may have over reacted (just a little bit) but what the heck? Aren`t you going to feel the same way just like what I did? Buuuuh whatever, let bygones be bygones. People should learn how to make their own blogs/entries and should not plagiarize. ;)

Okay MOVING ON.....
**

This is Jake!

He is my cousin`s son and he`s my very first nephew! I was just happy when I saw his pictures because he looks exactly just like my cousin. Though he is undeniably half WHITE with his uber tangos nose, I was glad that there was just a slight resemblance between Jake and his Dad, who by the way looks like Heath Ledger. Arrghhh! And uhhh, Jake just turned 2 months last Wednesday and he`s really huge for his "age". I can barely wait to see him pretty soon. Jakeyyy, Tita will be in Australia soon! Yey!

**
Hello Cellulites. How you been?
Damn.

STARVATION IS THE ANSWER!!!
I seriously need to starve myself before I look like a plump. I don`t want to grow up like literally and figuratively GROW UP. I am used to being skinny and having extra small clothes. Now, I can`t even get a SMALL in Abercrombie. Gosh. Okay, I buy clothes in Abercrombie kids since, A&F clothes are way too big for me but anyhoo, I`m frustrated. I want to lose weight so bad. My legs look awful. Everytime I wear my super skinny jeans they just look as awful as it sounds. :)) Haha. Well, I am not like super duper fat or whatever but I just don`t want to gain more weight. I am quite satisfied with how I look like but my Mom is just the biggest bitch ever and she often tells that I look so obese na. :(( Boo. What a supportive Mother. Haha.

If in the next weeks or so and I won`t lose weight pa, then I will be needing a dietitian na. :)) Hahahahahaha. Help me find one? :p

---
Okay, sorry for the boring and unorganized snippets. I know I should`ve edited this shit out and made a decent blog instead but I`m too tired to redo all of them. I just took this all out from my Multiply just so I have something to kwento. Haha. I really want to make this site work as much as possible so I am doing all these. Sorry na. Tinatamad ang lola. Haha. I`ll put up a decent blog tomorrow, I will really try. :))

Btw, Vote Mariel Rodriguez in Asap`s Fashion Icon chuva. Just type in POP71 and send it to 2331 for globe and tm and 231 for smart and talk n text subscribers. Please do, I am so frustrated because I don`t have my roaming number so there is no way that I could help in voting her. Mariel should win!!! Haha. Sorry ha, I love her eh. Nak nang. :))

COPYCATS!

2008-09-29T00:43:00.000-07:00

I actually don`t want to make a big fuzz about this but I just hate it when strangers copy off my work. It annoys me big time especially when I wrote it myself! I don`t actually care if people rip off my Friendster codes or whatever shit, but what the fuck? This girl named, okay don`t be surprised, Paola copied everything I have written. Okay, I had this blog entry which was written around first week of September and it was a pretty much one hell of a downhearted blog. I wrote it after "cutting off the connection" between me and this guy I super like. So you could just imagine the emotion I had while writting it- only to find out the week later that this Big L copied it off and posted in her blog as well. And hey, not only that ha, my other blog, this one, she wrote it down too. Gosh. Parang she ctrl + A nya lahat eh. Tangina. Ang loser mo iha. Tapos tangina, sakto pa na pareho tayo ng name. Kaso hindi tayo pareho ng brain, ako meron ikaw wala. haha. Sorry na, I`m pissed eh. So yeah, check her posts. She's really pathetic. GO BASH HER! HAHAHA.

HIATUS

2008-09-28T16:39:00.000-07:00

I am going on Hiatus for the whole month of October.  Pretty sad, I know but there are just so many things to do on that month and I don`t want to screw college just because I paid attention on my blogging rather than my school work. Haha. For the first week, I will be having my first long test in Sociology and I expect that to be freakin hard as hell. My Professor is a freakin terror in MJC and there is no way that she`ll give out an easy shizz, that`s why I really need to study real hard and focus on that. Boo. On that same week too, I will have my midterm essay test in English and that is a who-knows- how many-paragraph-800 words essay. Whoa, talk about nosebleed. 6 essays will also be due on the 2nd week and OMG, I haven`t even started anything yet. The topics my Psych teacher have given us is so out of this world and I don`t think I could even come up with an introductory paragraph for that. Gosh. See, how packed October is for me? Tsk. But I will be back though, with more kwento and more random stuff. HAHAHA I swear.

Eat Fetus?

2008-09-27T01:57:00.000-07:00

I didn`t know "some" Chinese are Cannibals. No offense though, but from what I heard/read, they use fetuses in their herbal soup like fuck that, what?

---------------------------------------------------------
Brief translation :
Shocking news circulated in China . A town in Canton is now on trend
taking baby herbal soup to
increase health and sexual performance/stamina. The cost in China
currency apprx $ 4000 (I think it is about R2000)

A factory manager was interviewed and he testified that it is effective
because he is a frequent customer. (?)

It is a delicacy (when did babies became a delicacy?) whereby expensive herbs are added to boil the baby with chicken meat (compare chicken to babies. duh) for 8 hours boiling/steaming.

He pointed to his second wife next to him , who is 19 (he is 62), and
testified that they have sex everyday..

After waiting for a couple of weeks he took this reporter to the
restaurant when he was informed by restaurant Manager that the spare rib
soup (local code for baby soup)<- what the fuck. this is really a wtf moment. was now available .

This time it was a couple who have 2 daughters and this 3rd one was
confirmed to be a daughter again.

So the couple aborted the baby which was 5 months old.. Those baby close
to be born and die naturally costs 2000 in China currency.

Those aborted ones cost a few hundreds in China Currency. Those couples
who did not want to sell dead babies, placentas can be accepted also for
couple of hundreds.

The reporter making comment that is this the problem arose from Chinese
being taking too much attention in health or is the backfire effect when
China introduced one child in a family policy .
-----------------------------------------------------

Since the majority there prefers to have male babies, those poor little girls
end up being sold to that freakin cannibal who cooks babies. Ew, just by the thought of it disgusts me big time. I am not really sure about this though, but what the fuck? Aren`t those pictures enough for evidence? God, bless the people in China.

Pictures Here.

Can I get any happier than this?

2008-09-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

I finally got my wayfarers! Yeyyy! I ordered them at Ebay last week and nope, they`re not second hand or some sort. They're actually brand new and they come with cute colorful purses that I totally loved! It was also my first time to buy something on Ebay because thought everything they sell there were second hand so I didn`t bother looking. I have been looking for a cute two toned Wayfarers all over town and I couldn`t find one. Good thing my friend Jeannie stumbled into Ebay last week and saw some cute pairs online and they were really cheap. Goodness, if it wasn`t for Jeannie I wouldn`t be extremely happy today. lol. So yeah, I got my two pairs this afternoon. I swear, I was ecstatic when I opened the mail box! Haha. Here are my new babies! The yellow and green wayfarer is a lot expensive than the pink and black. Idk, why. It`s so weird but I was like maybe because it`s more colorful and attractive? Haha. But, I don`t really care, I`m happy I have new wayfarers!

And oh by the way, there`s one more thing I am happy about. We had this in-class essay last week and we had to read over this freakin long ass article and make a summary review. And guys, trust me it was not just a simple essay review. There were more than 10 steps to follow and you have to site your personal examples too. I was struggling because we only have 1 hour to finish everything and I am not even familiar with those steps yet. So, I really thought I would fail the essay and I was thinking I might get a 3 or 5. Well, I was freakin wrong because when I got my Green Book (it`s like an essay booklet) I got a freakin 9.5 and my teacher`s comment was "Paula, you did great! Your summary was perfect but you have to be a little careful about you grammar though, but over all you did good!." Seriously, I am not even lying. Omg, after reading it, I totally as in totally screamed "YEY" and my teacher has to calm me down because I was really happy! Seriously, I never expected it! So okay, I`m done for the day. :)) I`m happy. Yey. Come, celebrate with me! Haha. Hit me a comment! lol

Hmmm

2008-09-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

What if ABS CBN would hire me as an actress in one of their shows? What if I become famous? What if I`ll take over the spotlight? What if you`ll see me on TV acting/hosting/dancing/singing or whatever shit they`ll ask me to do? OMFG what if?

It has been bothering me a lot so bare with me.

HAHAHAHA.
If that`s the case then, what I will do with my blogger? I don`t want people to lurk on my online journal but I don`t want to just to delete this either. Hahaha. Okaaay nag fefeeling maganda ako. HAHA. Sorry na. IAMBORED. WHATTHEFUCK.

I am...

2008-09-18T00:11:00.000-07:00

ecstatic! ;)

People have been commenting on my entries and I am so happy! :) Okay, you how there`s an icon that says "Comments make me happy"? Roit. It does make me happy, seriously. When I see new comments I just get.... happy. HAHAHA. I don`t know what else to say cuz I`m just happy. Haha. Woot, so people keep the comments coming! :))

Whoa, I just said happy 6 times. I must really be happy. Oppps, 7th time. :))

Hahaha.

Anyboo, I`m off to bed. :) I`m happy I was able to help Ma`am Dolor out with her Layout and such. I miss you Ma`am Dolor! Your Halamang Dagats miss you so much!

I`m so random

2008-09-17T22:02:00.001-07:00

I camwhored today and this is the result. Yey! Actually I have more than a hundred but I just chose the prettyful ones. Hahaha. I swear to God, the hair piece is so addicting to wear. I mean I get a lot of compliments every time I wear them so maybe that makes me want to wear them everyday. lol. There was this some kid proached me just to ask where I bought my thingie. My friends and I really thought it was random because she was about to ride the bus when she walked back towards us.

Only my English Professor was the pooper little bitch that made a comment on my hair piece. She was like "Are you a Hippie or something?" Pssh. I was like "Yeah right. It`s what you call Fashion." Seriously. She pisses the hell outta me. I was feeling the day because people have been telling me that my hair thingie is just but cute and then here she comes ranting about how I look. Pretty savage. Does she even care if I`m happie in the first place? Arrgghh! But I was glad though because my friend Katie save me from my "supposed to be humiliation". She went "If you happen to watch Gossip Girl and you know Blake Lively, she wears them. So pleaseee...." HAHA. Burn! :)) I love you Katie! You made my day. I was hella giggling in my seat after she said that. Seriously, my Professor deserved that, she is nothing but a douche bag. Wooot, I`m sorry for the term. :))

ANYBANANY..

I`m hungry.....
but Dad doesn`t want to cook.

He said tama na daw that I ate 3 slices of Pizza for lunch. Hahaha. Opps, 3 slices. Sorry, I was really hungry when I got home from school so I kinda munched on those pizzas. But anyhoo, I am really hungry. My tummy is making tunog already! If only I know how to cook, then I wouldn`t have any problem. Boo. I need to learn how to cook, I seriously do. Boo.

Daddy even said "I thought you`re on a diet? Look at your pata oh, it`s so big." Whoa, thank you dad. I`m pretty sure my pata isn`t that big naman noh, he just made that up so that I would stop asking him to cook something for me. Boo. This sucks. I wish I`m in the Philippines so I could just call my Yaya and ask her to cook for me. Wala pa reklamo. Boo. This is the downside if you live in America: no one does things for you. :| I miss my life in the Philippines. I`m not like the super seniorita back home but I could say that I had a good life. Seriously.

Wow, from talking about my hair piece it led to a super melodramatic entry?? :)) Boo. Whoa, I`m so random. I just plug in topics out of nowhere. Haha. Pardon my randomness, it`s really one of my problem. ♥

Realllly Quick!

2008-09-16T23:56:00.000-07:00

Okay I just have to do this really quick!

I want to give my shout out to Ivy for helping me put up my comment box which is in the upper right corner. Baah. Thank you so much Ivy for taking your time editing the codes for me, it was really sweet! And uhm, I`m sorry for mistaken you as Filipino, I really didn`t mean that. You really look like one, so I thought you really were a Filipino. Anyhoo, I hope to meet you pretty soon, since you`re only live an hour away from Modesto. lol. Good luck in UCR!

And and and and Rosadelle! Hehe. I finally got a help from someone and meron na kong comment box!! Yehey! lol Now you could comment all the entries I have here. Yiheee. Actually you were the main reason why I asked a random blogger to put those codes for me, good Ivy was really nice and she took time editing the codes. lol. I`m so FC talaga to people. Hehe. So ayun, plus it was sweet of you din to search how to put up comments sa web. Thanks thanks! :)

Sayonara Yo! Thanks again Ivy!

Back on track!

2008-09-15T02:23:00.000-07:00

It`s almost morning!!!!!!

I can`t freakin put myself to sleep. I was already in bed 30 minutes ago when I decided to get up and check First Love`s comments. I know, it`s so random. I checked my over 4 thousand comments in friendster and it almost took me forever before I could finally get the hold of them. His last comment was in 05 I guess, so what do you expect? :) All of them were short but sweet and there was this extremely long one and he sent it two times. I wanted to post it all here but I was likeee never mind. I don`t to bare his identity, so there. Lol

After reading his comments for more than 348725 times, I decided to make a video for him, a music video I should say. lol. I sang my favorite song which is, The way I am by Ingrid Michaelson and it is as well my song for him. The song`s kinda mushy it`s about a couple who takes each other`s imperfection perfectly. I know we`re not a couple or whatsoever, but I don`t know; everytime I hear the song on the radio, it makes me think about him.

I swear this is the first song I unbolted in public and it`s all because of him! OMG. :)) Hahaha. See, what love can do talaga! lol. Well anyway, I`ve been getting querries lately about my "fake zanjoe'. To tell you guys honestly, I am so over him. He could die now for all I care. :) My "thing" with him just made me realize that no matter what happens, no matter whose you`re flirting with, no matter how strong the feeling is, First Love never really dies and I just want to thank "fake zanjoe" for making me realize that! What I felt for him was not love after all. It was just a god damn infatuation and never in my life I will engage in the same situation, never!

So now, I am back on track and I am back in being a prisoner of love. I love you first love, always have, always been.

3 short weeks!

2008-09-14T23:17:00.000-07:00

Baaaah. I haven`t blogged that much lately and it makes me sad. Blogging is almost part of my support system and every time I wish to blog just about anything, I always as in always end up deleting everything. What`s happening to me? Baaah. But this time, I will really try and finish this entry and I`ll try to condense everything that happened to me in the last 2-3 weeks.

So, would you congratulate me for surviving three weeks in College? Fuck yeah. I just F----ing survived college! Omg, what an achievement! Haha. College makes my life f--ing busy and I`m not used to it, seriously. Back in High School, I was just the happy-go-lucky student and I don`t like really focue to what the teachers are saying/teaching. I just go to school just because my parents told me so. But this time? Omg! I go to school because I want to learn new things. I go to school because I`m inspired. I go to school because I am actually having fun! Seriously, when I first thought about it, I can`t even believe it. Seryoso pare. Hahahaha. :))

What even made it more fun is because I transfer from one school to the other. So I practically ride the bus everyday and it`s so much fun! I haven`t rode to any buses ever here in Modesto and it was my first time so you can just imagine me getting all hyped everytime I see the bus coming. Hahaha. In fact, I always look forward in riding the bus everyday, like I`m serious. I know it`s so mababaw but it`s really fun. The bus lady is just the sweetest and add those people you get to meet everyday; some of them are really cool and some are just plain random. One time I was sitting at the far back of the bus and there was this one Asian guy who tapped my back for 287382973 times but I didn`t bother talking to me and he went "HEY MISS READING HER ENGLISH BOOK. I`M VINCENT." Pretty random, yeah. Asians are really weird just like that. I turned my back and told him my name was Louise and I transffered seat. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. :))

Anyboo, so much about my bus experience.

Psych101 is interesting though too much thinking is needed, I am still enjoying and my teacher is just so f--ing cool. Do you know anyone who plays Guitar Hero in a classroom? :)) Fuck. Only my teacher does that! Hahaha. She brings her Xbox everyday and before we start the actual lesson, she`d play. :)) So cool. Hahaha.

Socio101 sucks. Thats all I can say about that subject. I suck at analyzing things especially when its about the freakin society. Wtf? What do I know about it? Errrr.

OKAY. That was random but dang it I`m running out of things to say/share.

I`m currently watching Kimora Life in the Fab lane and I`m so into it. :)) Hahaha. Tadaaaa! Goodnight loves!

High School

2008-09-13T17:22:00.000-07:00

This is just a spin off to Kristel`s blog. :))

Almost everyone is talking about it. Yes, I`m talking about the MMK episode today which was way too cute by the way. Talk about relate here. Haha.

High School for me define the words:

DRAMA.
- Oh yes. Whether you cried over a guy, you lost one your friends, you made a wrong decision, you failed a test, you were grounded and etc. Drama in high school is always present. I myself could even attest to that. I can`t even take track of how many times I cried when I was in High School.

PARTAAAY
- Wooot. This is my favorite part. I used to be a party whore back in High School and my friends and I really go out every Friday night and hit the bar! And yes Kri, those were the Syrup days. :)) Awww. But we were never the wild girls, never. We are tamed and we know our limitations. Right, right? :)) I missed Syrup na so bad and I miss my La Familia! I only stopped partying when I got here, which is super lame because you have you be 21 before you could like really go out and party.

GOSSIPS
- "Call me and Id make it juicy for yaaa" My baby girls and I don`t really like gossiping but hey it`s like the hobby of every HS Teen. They make up some stupid stories just to ruin someone else`s lives. I`ve been through a lot when I was in High School and the worst gossip I have ever heard was that I got pregnant dw thats why I migrated. That was like the worst thing ever but I never actually reacted because I know the truth and everybody could just fuck off. :))

So to cut it short, High School is a big part of our lives and it was in High School that we were able to shape ourselves of who and what we have become now. I could really say that High School is the high light of my life as a teen. I have grown a lot better because of the experiences I had in High School whether it was good or bad. I miss those 4 stressful years of my life. Yes, I was more stressed in High School than in College. Maybe because aside from my school work, I still have to consider my boyfriend, my friends, unnecessary things and whole lot more. I didn`t know what were my priorities before so my life was a little screwed up. But with my screwed up life, I have learned a lot in High School and those lessons will stay with me forever.

Also in High School, I was able to gain friends; and not just friends, but real and true friends for life. They said you will find your true friends in HS and I`m glad to say, I already found mine. They may not communicate as much as I went them to but I know in my heart that they`re always there for me and they love me all the way. Lakosa, Gwapakmi, SMAC0607, thank you so much for everything. Without you guys, I might have not survived High School! I love you!! :))

MMK`s episode today just made me miss my friends even more! :(( :| Boo. My HS friends are the best. I couldn`t even look up in the dictionary what word best describes them. They are just... indescribable! :)) LOL. I miss you guys! Wait for me next year, I will invade the Philippines!

Never been Marcused

2008-09-09T16:55:00.001-07:00

We all know that Cw`s Gossip Girl was such a big hit. It was even ranked as the 230th program last year. Isn`t that wonderful? I mean, for a Gossip Girl fan like me I can smell nothing but victory! I am a self confessed Gossip Girl Addict ever since and to tell you frankly, I have not missed any episode since the first day it started! It is just but addicting! Blair and Chuck are the sweetest and nonetheless the most gorgeous and hottest couple ever!

But, that wasn`t the only reason why I`m watching Gossip Girl. The program itself just covers a whole lot of things going on in the society and I could pretty much relate to it. There will always be the Mean Girls, the Nobos and so much more. What they show us is actually what is happening in the real world. It is not just a show to keep people entertained, but as well as making known to public that, this is it- this is US. And not to mention, their clothes are to die for. Gosh Blair and Serena wears any expensive clothes you could think of. I myself couldn`t even enumerate all of them because trust me, there are stocks of clothes! One more thing I like about the show is how they come up with their lines. It is just so amazing listening to every word they say and I would be surprised that by the end of the show I could pretty much recite that signiture line. So freakin' amazing!

My favorite character in Gossip Girl is Blair Waldorf. OMG, if you have seen any of the episodes I know you already love her by now. I could say that most girls that watch the show loves Blair rather than Serena. Some people say they love Blair because she has nicer hair than S, she`s way prettier than S, she is very mysterious and very clever. But the thing I like most about Blair is she is so MEAN. Mean in a way that you won`t grow hating her but loving her instead. She is this one little Bitch that you love to hate rather than hate to hate. LOL. I don`t know if I made that clear but, yeah. I love her because she is just the cutest when she gets even! Blair Waldorf is defintely Love! I might have not survived Senior Year without her fashion tips, seriously! :)

So tell me, how in this world could be stop from watching Gossip Girl? Is there any way parents could do that? I say Hell no. I`d still prefer watching Gossip Girl on Monday nights rather than watching History Channel or Discovery Channel. I know I sound stupid, but hey, I`m a teen. Give me a break!

Drama Queen

2008-09-05T00:35:00.000-07:00

I completely understand. I know for a fact that you don`t like me. Gosh, I bet you will never ever like me at all. But actually you don`t have to tell me anymore because I could tell. You don`t have to keep me as a special person in your life either. Don`t worry because I don`t expect. But somehow I wish for something else that when you think of me at least you smile. That`s more than enough.

He was mine but not really. I never really had him so I never really lost him. I guess this is how we will always be, I had him and he had me but the again there is no US. I guess this really is the real life. I don`t always get what I want and things don`t always go my way no matter how hard I try to make it work. I do things that I dread I never actually did but I try to learn from them anyways so I have not lose anything. Sometimes we just have to learn and sometimes we just don`t.

They said love hits us like a speeding bulletin and then BOOM. We could`t feel it at first unless we see ourselves bleeding. In my case, I saw it coming. I knew I would end up falling for him but I just didn`t bother because I thought he feels the same way. I thought he would be able to digest it all and would return the favor. But I was effin wrong. The only sad thing about my situation is that I know that there`s no hope for the both of us, yet I still pray to make it work. Pretty stupid? Yeah I know.

P.S: Wow third blog for today? Gosh, DQ much.

Damn right.

2008-09-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

I`m looking forward when the day comes that those people who did me wrong would come up to me and say. "I was wrong I never really loved _____. I loved you more than I loved her." and I`d smile and say "Right, kiss my ass but I just don`t care anymore."

Blair Bands

2008-09-01T01:08:00.000-07:00

I have tons and tons and tons of Blair bands but I refused to wear them now. Gosh, haven`t you noticed? Almost everyone in the Philippines is wearing them and even kids at school wear them and I`m like wow.

I know it was pretty much of a craze when Bianca and Ma started wearing them on-screen and I guess they`re the only celebrity I know who gave justice to Meester`s role. Only the two of them can pull off a pretty cute Blair outfit with matching Blair bands. But other people? Gosh, I would rather not comment on that. So don`t even get me started. :)))))

It just surprises me seeing way too many people wearing the "Blair bands" nowadays thinking that not even half of them knows who Blair Waldorf is. Well, they might have the idea but I`m quite sure they don`t watch the Tv show itself cuz some people associate the Blair bands as the "Mariel head bands". But whatever you know, I love Mariel and I have nothing to say but good words about her. She`s too pretty when she`s wearing them.

I was watching Wowowee couple of months ago and I was so stoked seeing people wearing them. God, even street kids wear them. And gosh, in Wow alone I saw like 8437126417 teens with colorful satin blair bands and OMG, I even saw a Lola wearing them. I`m like okaaaaaaaay, this craze has gone way too far already.

Bitchy post I know but aarrghhhh! Being the GG addict that I am, it irritates me seeing the big bow on everybody`s head. Well, some of people could really pull them off but others just DON`T. The more that everybody`s wearing it the more it looks cheap. Tsk. I`m so giving my blair bands away.

My girl ends soon!

2008-08-31T23:29:00.000-07:00

My girl is ending soon. :(((( Boo. My friend Louise and I are very much lamenting right now because we just realized that it`s almost coming to an end. Like wow, My Girl went by really fast!! We`re not really a Kimerald fan but when we started watching My Girl, gosh we just can`t get enough of them. Even our friends from school would come asking us what the heck is My Girl because we pretty much talk about it all the time and we`d scream our asses of remembering the last scene the night before and of course their very first kissing scene. God, that was just the sweetest thing ever. Louise and I were even on the phone when that happened and we were hecka screaming!!! :))))

And ugh, excuse my tackyness cuz I even joined their mygirltv in Multiply and would post random message. I`m so freakin addicted to it and it is just so sad because it`ll end this friday. :((( Boo. My girl makes our day and it does lessen the burden we`re getting from school works and such. It`s that 30 minutes that we`re always looking for everyday. Now that My girl is coming to an end, it really saddened us (especially Louise- she`s 10 times more addicted) and even wished on 11:11 that Abs Cbn would extend the show because it`s just so freakin good. But just like what Nelly Furtado said in her song "Good things come to an end". God has his reasons and I guess we think we know what it is. :)))) Because since school is already starting God might want us to concentrate more on lessons and not concentrating on the next scenes of My Girl. HAHAHA. :)) Seriously, we thought about it last night so we were like OKAY, fair enough. :))

But anyhow, we just want to congratulate the rest of the My girl barkada for pulling up such a good show. Thanks for rocking our lives at 330 pm here in California. You made our Summer worth bumming for. Lol.

Bullsh1t.

2008-08-29T23:40:00.001-07:00

They were right. Maybe I just misunderstood his sweet gestures and whatever that was going on between us that very moment and I completely forgot that this guy right here is one helluva chick boy. Dang it, I almost forgot. I thought I changed. I thought I was smarter, now that I am 18 but yudiputa nga shit, I never actually changed. I`m still the good ol loser when it comes to love and I friggin hate it. I swore to myself that I will never ever let another guy shit on me and make me one of his barbie dolls. But what the fuck happened?!

Did I just allow myself to be his "other girl" and not having the notion about it? Or actually I knew something was not right but I just ignored it because it wasn`t what I want to happen that time? Did I just fool myself and created illusions that what we have is actually something "real"? Was I too quick to judge and gave crazy meanings for the smallest things he did to me? the gentleness he showed me? the likeness or whatever it was he was showing me while we were talking? Was it true or did I just imagined it all? Yudiputa.

I`d like to think that I`m neither crazy not assuming. That I was not alone in feeling the spark when we`re having our mushy conversations. That he meant everything he said. That he really wanted to see me before he actually left for some reasons. That he really woke up hecka early because he saw me online. That he wants to talk to me because he likes me or if it wasn`t like, atleast felt strongly about me.

Fuck, I am lost and I don`t know what to do. I could still talk to him though but I`m sure as fuck that I will just arrive at nothing. BS.

The rumors are true!

2008-08-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

Gossip Girl Season II Promo Video.

Gosh, can I die? I`m gonna die! Chuck and Blair moments once again. Gosh, gosh, gosh. It`s coming, it`s freakin coming!! I`ve been spoiling myself since this morning. I`ve been watching videos of Season II`s first 5 minutes/1st 10 minutes and whatnot. And the more I watch them, the more I get excited like damn. Seriously, I swear when Sunday comes I bet my ass I won`t get myself to sleep because I`m too excited. LOL. God, I can`t wait for Monday, motherFckr. I so like going to freeze people`s lives here at home on Monday 8pm cuz I don`t want to hear any noise. Danngggg. Monday please come quicklyyyy!

Stupid Factory.

2008-08-29T00:28:00.000-07:00

I`m confused. Dang it. Sorry na, super bare ng post. I can`t state everything here eh, people might come here and malaman laman ko na lang my new issues nanaman about me. Haha. But anyhow, confused ako sa LOVE. Yun na yun. Akala ko dti sa Math lang ako macoconfuse e. Naknang!

2nd day at school

2008-08-26T18:45:00.001-07:00

College life is blah.

Little by little it`s taking my social life away and I don`t want that to happen. :| I know that if I`d engage myself into studying and shit I would would get high grades and would totally make my parents proud, but what the hell I don`t want to be the Nerd Next Door. Haha. It doesn`t mean that if I`m Asian, I would be the "stereotype" one. Hell no. Seriously I`m likeeee more of like a white girl. I study but I put more time on going online, shopping, doing unnecessary things and just be blonde. Oh God. I could pretty much sense where I`m going. Dang it. Haha.

Second day of school was pure hassle. Gosh. I won`t elaborate more since I`m so not in the mood right now, so yeah. But one thing made me mad today though. Damn Woodside! She`s my Socio101 Professor and she`s hecka tight like damn and Karl didn`t even told me about it. He was like "okay lang sya." Dang it, it`s not that "okay lang sya" TEROR GD SYA YA E! Hahaha.

Socio101 spells the word fuck. I never thought Socio would be this fuckin hard. Imagine, it was my first day in that class today and guess what? We already have to do some critical thinking shit and that`s due the next day. So how was that huh? Pretty savage. And she hecka gave 4718471894 papers and I`m like what the hell is this for? And she was like, well that`s all for chapter one alone! Like motherfucker, craploads of papers for only 1 chapter? Maaan she`s sick. But anyhow, I have nothing else to do but do read the notes because I promised my Mom that I will try and focus on more important things. And that is- school. :)) Oha oha. Meaning, no boys for now and the flirting will continue later on. Haha. Seriously, I have to nail all my subjects cuz if I won`t Mom might not send me to LA and get into the the program I was telling you guys the other day. So I really have to behave. :)

So that`s all for now. I`m like heccka sleepy right now but I still have things to do. I`ve been sleeping in, in the past 3 hours so I have to make that up. Haha. Damn it. Why does college have to this hard? Well not really but damn, every time I go home I feel like I`ve been doing something strenuous. Seriously, I feel dead right when I get home. Like boom, after 5 minutes I`m asleep. Haha. So there, I pretty much summed up my 2nd day. Horeeeeey.

P.S: My friend Ana and I were hecka laughing the whole morning because there were like heckaaaaaa Asians at school. Like damn, we felt like the entire people Asia migrated here already. Hahaha. Seriously, cuz everytime we turn our heads or everytime we move to places, they're there like Wow! Hahaha. :)) Koreans and Japanese everywhere MUUUUUCHHHH!

I need moohla

2008-08-25T19:37:00.001-07:00

I want move to a freakin private college like right now!! :| Mjc sucks big time and just like any other Junior Colleges it would pretty much take me forever before I could finally get into the Nursing program, so fuck it I want to go to ACC! But since it`s a private college it would cost me 2 to 3 times more than the usual payment we pay in MJC but dude, it would only take me one year to become a Nurse and God knows how much I want this! How much I want to be Nurse and work my ass in those stinky hospital this early. Damn it. :|

Thirtyfuckinthousand dollars is no joke. Thats like worth over a million!!! Baaaah. I don`t know what to do. Dang it. My friend told me that there`s still financial shizz and whatnot but Idk, I still have to ask Mom though. :| I`m so like super depressed right now cuz I so envy her for she`s only 7 months away before she could finally label herself as a "Nurse" damn iiiit.

Can someone lend me 30, 000 dollars? :)) I`ll love you forever if you could hand them down to me before this year ends. :))

I am Ninoy!

2008-08-25T01:30:00.001-07:00

We just finished watching Beyond Conspiracy: Ninoy Aquino 25th Death Anniversary in TFC and it just struck me like hell. I seriously never knew the importance of the color yellow back then and their hand gesutre pretaining to the word Laban. All I knew back then was that Ninoy was shot by a gunman and he became our Hero. But after watching numerous documentary on YouTube and their latest was the Beyond Conspiracy, I`ve grown to realize the importance of the word Laban and the powerful color Yellow.

I wrote this blog entry not because I`m just being random yet again but because I admire Him so much and who would`ve thought that somebody could ever sacrifice him/herself for the sake of his/her countrymen? If you were to ask me if I would love to be shot down right this very moment only to prove the love for my country, that would be a big fart no maaaan, kiss my ass! But for Ninoy, it was a piece of cake. He even told his wife that he would rather be assassinated than being under house arrest.

Ninoy one of the only few people I know who definitely has the most genuine heart ever. He was brave, he was courageous, he never back down from anything. Even that bullet that killed him 25 years ago still didn't stop his heroic. Now I could pretty much say that Ninoy is indeed my hero. Can you imagine what he could have done for our country if he were allowed? He would have brought the Filipinos the dignity and pride we so desperately need now. Without him, who knows maybe up to this moment we might be still under the Marcos' regime.

Let us not forget about Ninoy, let`s not forget that because of his death he buried with him Marcos`dictatorship and lead in restoring democracy. He is our modern-day Rizal who used his talent in writing in oder to be heard. He is the Philippines` Gahndi who used non-violence in fighting for freedom.

I am Paula, and I am Ninoy.
There is a Ninoy in all of us.
*I was just moved by the documentary I`ve seen earlier, that`s why I was able to blurt this serious shits out. Thanks for taking your time reading this. :)) It only meant that you did not forget about Him. Let the Ninoy in us lingers foreverrrrrr!

Coin Star, wow!

2008-08-24T03:28:00.000-07:00

It`s funny how teens nowadays refer their crushes or special someones. Yes people, I am talking about Code names. I know I have done it as well back in the days and even made stupid code names such as

Toothbrush
Sky
Dinosaur
Lico (pronounced as LYCO)
and my weirdest code name was Unat- literal meaning.

Pretty stupid, yeah? I know every teens go through this stage and make their own code names and such for but the new generations tend to make even weirder code names, like they don`t have any sense at all. I know mine was a little weird but hey, atleast they`re common nouns except for Lico and the other one was a noun so I don`t consider it super weird at all. Plus their code name correspond to what he is and who he is. Like for instance toothbrush. I named my crush` toothbrush only because he had super white teeth back in High School and it was pretty much his assest so there. But now? I don`t really get why teens are so aggressive in giving out code names. Hahaha. I know it`s not my problem to tackle and think about but I just seriously find it funny!

I was on friendster awhile ago and I was looking through some of my friends` profile and I saw this one girl telling her friend about her "special friend" and she named her "special friend" as coinstar. Like wtf? Haha. Coinstar? That`s not even a word. I tried looking it up in the dictionary and I couldn`t find that freakin word! So now that`s weird. ;) See how teens tend to make things more complicated? Hahaha. But anyways, why am I even blogging about code names and COINSTARS? :)) Hahahaha.

TATAH!

School- stresspoool!

2008-08-22T01:34:00.001-07:00

Aright! Taglish post ahead. Pardom my kaartehan.

So mkay I still have like what? 2 more days to bum around the house, stay up late and wake up late before I finally engage myself into studying. Gaaaaah, hehello college na ko next week. Omg, I know I don`t have to be stressed out because as they saying goes "mas masaya pag college". Oh well, fuck that. Masaya lang siguro if I`m in the Philippines but here? My gaaaah, I`m so noooot masaya. Okay first of all, I am apparently going to a low class school. It`s not a University not even a State Univ, damn that shit. I am only allowed to go to a Junior College only because I wasn`t able to get my SATS and ACTS. So okay na ko nyan db? I still said yes and went. Pero ang bano ng facilities ng school. Seriously. Some of the projectors are not working, the professors are not professional (imagine that ha) and I am not liking my course. I`m just taking Nursing lang naman in the name of money and para stable ang job but other than that, wala na talaga. Tapos dadagdagan pa ng stress sa school. :| Bullshit.

One thing na hate ko talaga sa Junior College is that, hindi organized. :| Super. Db when you're like enrolled for instance sa La Salle, every sem you get your schedule? Meaning everything is set, all you have to do is do good sa school and nothing more. Dito? God. Poproblemahin mo pa yung subjects mo since paunahan sa slots tapos you have to go ask you counselor pa if what dapat ang kukuning subjects and kung ano ang dapat hindi kunin. It`s so unorganized and I am so not sanay. Naloloka ako. Tapos since I want to transfer sa Univ in the future I have to take consideration pa their lottery. Lottery meaning- random yung pagpili kung they'll let you transfer na or not. Super fuck. What if I`m done na with everything pero hindi ako naka pasok sa lottery? I will just stay bum muna for awhile? That`s bullshit man. Tapos yung pre-requisite pa nila is so mahirap. Parang nag Univ lang ako e. Shit. Another thing, ang gago ng system nila. One time nag bag down yung system and parang something was wrong and they had my friend pay over $1000 just for fall sem alone. Since my friends was like tatanga tanga she paid it naman and they just took the money. Tapos na laman laman na lang namin nagkamali pala sila. Eh kung hindi pa pala mag rereklamo, hindi ibabalik yung pera? Ang bano talaga, shit.

Sorry na. Kapag school talaga, I`m so na sestress. Suppppper. Goodluck na lang tlaaga. Sana I would find the love for school within me na talaga. Kasi habal tumatagal I`m hating school na. :| Super nakaka stress out. Andaming pinoproblema pero kung nasa Philippines ako, isa lang poproblemahin ko dun and that`s how to do good in school. :| Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I, thank you.

2008-08-18T03:06:00.000-07:00

It has never been and issue to me if you people like me or not. I was not born in this freakin world to please each and everyone of you to start with. I`ve been getting negative feedbacks about my blog entries and whatnot here in MY SITE and I just don`t fuckin care. I don`t see any wrong with saying what I want to say in my OWN blogsite. I didn`t ask you to read my posts, didn`t I? Nor pushed you to add me as your contact or threatned you to go see my videos and pictures. You did that at you own will and I have nothing to do about that. It was your choice so why rant? If you don`t like what I`m writing here or what you basically see, then you are always free to remove me as your contact because seriously, I don`t give a damn if I only have a few friends in here. Mabuti na yun para onte lang din makakabasa ng shits ko. Or if you don`t like to remove me as your contact because you`re a little nosy bitch, then write out a blog as well. Something feirce, something bitchy, something random, something boring, something moving, something dramatic, something similar to mine.

I actually don`t hate people. Seriously. Just like what Jasmine said "we don`t hate, we just curse. so fuckin much". Hating is not our thing, I just get pissed with narrow minded people, they suck big time. And c`mon you are aware that I only get into "fights" when I`m pushed to. Contrary to what other people are saying, I am not a warfreak. I amj ust fighting for my own right and for what I think is right. I won`t just stay silent all my life when people are throwing malicious things about me or if when people start backbiting me and all that crap. I wouldn`t just stare at them while they break me. That is soo not going to happen. I know where I stand and I stand right infront of your face ready to smack you down if you do me wrong. I am not threatening you or something but I just want to make this all clear. I am a sweet and loving friend but once you get on my nerves, you are so dead. Call me a bitch, I don`t care because I already know that since day one and I would continnuously bitch around. Cuz you know sometimes, people needs to know their bounderies and they should try and shut up for once.

I know we have reasons why we keep a blogsite and mine is just to keep in touch with my family and friends back home and to kinda update them with my whereabouts and whatnots. I don`t keep this blogsite just for my vanity alone or for just to let people hear my sabog voice and my grooves in my videos. I keep this as well so that I would have something to release all my depression, rants, my happy moments/kilig moments and all that. Blogging is my therapy and it does lessen the burden I`m feeling. I don`t blog only when I`m happy or when I`m kilig, I blog about all sort of my emotions so don`t come telling me that my blog is either offensive, feirce bitchy or super mamabaw. Dude, do your own shit and I`ll do mine.

And to those people who loves reading my posts thank you so much, cheers!

Life is short.

2008-08-16T00:19:00.000-07:00

Omg. I just got a super bad news from Erika. She was telling me that Manang Seychelle's Mom just past away 6am this morning. :| I feel so bad for her because she doesn`t get to spend so much time with her mom na nga since she goes to school in Iloilo tapos this would happen pa. It`s so saaaad. :| We will really never know when God will take our love ones away. :| It`s so sudden, so unexpected. I wonder how she will take things now that her Mom died, thinking that she is graduating na this March. How will it affect kaya her Mom`s death? I just hope she`s fine and she`ll get through this as quickly as possible. She`s been so good to me and I just have good things to tell about her.

I was kind of contemplating after we chika-ed (Erika and I) and I was thinking, if that happened to me I could've committed suicide. Seriously speaking. I wouldn`t take that. I am really a Mommy's girl ever since and we`re really tight as shit so I can`t even picture that to happen. I am just but thankful that God is good and I still have both my Mommy and my Daddy especially my 2 beautiful Grandma's in the Philippines.

After this incident, I it just went through me that life is indeed short and we will never know what will happen next- only God knows and Him alone. Right now, I just don`t want to think about negative things. I just want to thank God for all the blessings he have given me and my family and for keeping them alive and healthy. And I wish Manang Seychelle would feel better naman because I know she`s pretty close to her Mom and it`s not easy. She`s a tough girl and I know she`ll get through this.

Manang Seychelle, if you happen to pass by I will surely include you and your Mom in my prayers. Stay strong and though we`re not close like we used to before you know that you will always be my orginal Big Sister. :) Just have faith and live it all up in the Lord, you have your family and friends with you to go through this and God will never ever leave you. xoxo.

Happy Birthday Tiita!

2008-08-14T23:35:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday to be Best Tita in the whole freakin world!

Tita Zony, happy birthdayyyy! Happy 36th birthday. Yey, you don`t even look like you're 36. You look more of like a teenager, more of just like my age! :) I wish you more birthdays to come and hopefully you'll find your new love na. It`s not too late yet, you`re still young, enjoy while you can Tita! Hahaha. Db db? I know it`s been a tough decision for us to leave you and Mama behind and not being on your birthdays just sucks. :( Thinking that were used to this already- celebrating birthdays together every single year. I hella missed that but more so I miss you and Mama the most. It seems that life is not like that way it used to be. Its so much different now that we only get to communicate through friendster/multiply and a freakin phonecall. :( We miss you guys so bad!!

Aright, since its you birthday pa thank you ko anay sang super bongga. Hahaha. Thank you tita for always making me feel that you're always there. Even though we may be 8000 miles away you never fail to ask me whats up and how is everything. You're almost like my bestfriend- actually you are bestfriend. Thank you for all the advices that you gave me back when I was still in HS up to now. Thank you because you never hesitated to share your thoughts with me about your boys and just about random things. You just don`t know how much that means to me. Thank you for covering up for me especially when mom and dad would go nag about my boys naman. Hahaha. Thank you for always listening to my rants though sometimes it`s so annoying already. Thank you for all the material things you have given me from my baby dress when I was 3 up to my numerous havaianas now that I am already 18. Thank youu too because you were never harsh, you were never tight and you never made me feel that YOU'RE THE TITA and I am just your neice. You always tend to weight things and I love you for that. Thank you for always making me feel that you are proud of me when my parents don't let me feel the same way. Thank you for understanding my unpredictable attitude because instead of you hitting me with hammer on my head you talk to me and make me understand things better. Thank you for spoiling me. Just like what I said earlier you are the one who supplied my havaianas slippers and all that fancy things. For always taking me out for either breakfast, lunch or dinner, for taking me on a shopping out of the blue, for giving me unexpected loads (so i could text my boys) and for everything you have given me. But most of all thank you for your unconditional love and for just being there til the end. Thank you for acting as my 2nd mom when mom can`t sometimes be there for me.

You have been a great inspiration to me since then and I will live on with all the lessons you taught me. You know for a fact that I am always here for you no matter what and I just wish you the best. I could not ask for any other Tita but you. You are simply the best not only because you *cough* SPOIL *cough* me but of course for loving me just like you own daughter. If I die today and live again and God would give me the chance to choose my Tita, I would still choose you. You are one of a kind Tita and I love you and I know you know that. Tane maging happy ka na gd and makakita ka pa sang someone who will love you forever and would take care of you for the rest of your life. But rest assured man that Me, Rj, Max and Vito will always be here for you and we will surely take care of you when you get older, thats a promise! :) Hehe. I love you tita and I miss you so much! Happy Birthday liwat!! :)) Mommy said gale nagniwang ka gd kuno. Ayude. :p

Priceless Smile

2008-08-10T17:17:00.000-07:00

His smile- My god super priceless!!

okay feliz i know you will make me sunlog ako for the nth time for putting up Zanjoe`s picture but my intention is not to somewhat contrast this to my fake Zanjoe. Haha. He is just super cute here and I can`t help but get kilig. Hahaha. Swear, Zanjoe is currently the love of my life and no one else. Well maybe some of my boytoys who are being an ass to me as of the moment but all is all. Anyhow, people in the Philippines please do watch Dyosa and Varga. HAHAHA. Sorry naman biglang nag promote. :)) Now that Z`s getting loads and loads of projects hopefully this is continuous na. I love you Z, super happy cuz I will get to see him on screen for 6 days na. Whoohoo. Haha. K, don`t deny it people he is really cute. Hahaha. Just look at that smile oh? Super nakakatunaw. No wonder Mariel got really hooked with Z. Haha. I kinda just realized that. Haha. And omg, I really never thought he is funny! Mygeez. Super nakaka inlove. Haaay haaay hayy. Can I die? HAHAHA.

K bru actually 50 50. Haha. 50 sa fake 50 sa tuod. Sorry na, adikk e. Haha. Pero imma get over this soon. Basi subong lang ni but nevertheless, he is really such as sweetheart. Haha. I just don`t want to make amin kay I don`t really want to fall for him. Muna lang. Hahaha.

Anyways, Morconss! Did you just see the elive episode last sat? God, swear i died talaga. Hahaha. :)) I back watched sa website ni leslie (thanks les!!) and omg, napanood ko yung last year na celeb and i died for the second time around! super busog weekend ko today. thanks to z and m! :D whoohoo. Hahaha.

Btw, thanks Nang Hasi for the picture! It made my day! :)) Hahaha. Imma print that out! Haha.

K just so you know I am a certified Zanjoe Addict! :)) HAHAHAHAHA. I completely got over Jake just like 3 months ago and after that I started to engage myself to Zanjoe and Zanjoe alone. HAHA

Nostalgic Bebe

2008-08-07T02:54:00.001-07:00

I MISS HOME. Period. :|

Family from QC just called in today I mean like an hour ago and I wasn`t able to talk to them. Damn it. I was in my deep slumber when they called and I think I did hear them talk for quite awhile but since I was really sleepy I didn`t care and went back to bed. :| I should`ve gotten out my bed and talked to theeeeem. Now I`m regretting. :|

I miss them like fuck and now I am home sicked again. I never felt this like in the last 5 months but it went baaaaack. Daaaamn I hate America. Seriously people, you will really hate it here. Especially when you`re really close to your family and you already had establish your relationship with them and and your friends. :| I want to gooo baack!! Bring me bacck homeeeeeeee! Yes you do earn more but money is not everything. I don`t really get the idea of why we even moved out. I mean we`re not really the high-classed society in the Philippines or whatnot but I guess we could pretty much eat a decent meal 3 times a day.

My Lola would go "T its for your own good. They have good schools there unlike here." Pssh like okay. UCs are the only good school here but I won`t get my ass there not like after 2 years or even more or maybe I won`t even gonna be studying there cuz I will be moving to Australia!! Hahaha. K, random.

Summer of 2009 please come quickly. I can`t wait til my next flight back home. :(( I miss my home, I miss Roxas, I miss the Philippines. :(( America is not my home. Never my home. I`m not even freakin proud that I`m here, I despised it here. Whateverrrrrr. K, Imma end this shit.

Emo blog. K whatever.

Make me feel better

2008-08-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

K, I`m depressed. :
I freakin got a low grade on my last speech which was the persuasive speech.I already have a feeling that I will be getting a low grade but idk, I just feel so bad. I feel so dumb. I got 40 out of 50. That`s A- or B+ I`m not sure but I am still not contended with my grade. I mean I know I could`ve done better, I just didn`t give my best. : I procrastinated a lot and didn`t memorize single shit so I ended up reading my entire oral footnotes and tripped some words. Hella embarassing. And my VA's didn`t work out very well as what I expected sooo yeah. : I`m just a little sad though because there`s no way that I will be getting an A in that class. That`s just so impossible. It`s even more frustrating now because this is my very 1st class in college and it was one easy shit but I didn`t even do good at it. : Very BULL.

Maybe I was just a little confident last time because when I had my Informative Speech my professor said he was impressed and shiit and I just turned that down. : Shit shit shit. I haate myself. I seriously need to focus. Damn it. :

Now I am really determined to pull off a ground breaking nerve wracking high energy kind of speech next week. I swear to God I will leave my classmates in awe just like what I did on my informative speech. I just hope and pray that I will still be getting atleast a B on thi class. I seriously won`t take a C, I will surely get my ass soberrrrr or I might do suicide. HAHA. Kidding. :))

But seriously though, I think I did very well on my 1st 2 speeches but I just blew my Persuasive and Midterms so I`m kinda scared buttttttttt let's just hope and pray for the best. Pray for me. Pray that I might get atleast a B or something. I don`t want to walk out on that class getting a passing grade, that is just sooo not me. I only walk out on class with a passing mark on Math, not Speech class or any English related class. HAHA.K bye.
Make me feel better. :

Shit on love!

2008-08-05T18:05:00.001-07:00

There are only a few people who knows the real me. The cry baby super soft harted me. Infact I have so much love within me that I am willing to share, I have soo much sweetnees that I am willing to show, so much effort that I am always willing to exert but you know what sucks?

As time pass by and as I meet new acquaintance, new friends, new prospect lovers, new suitors and new boystoys they just get "assier" "suckier" "tae-ier" and all the nasty things you could think of. So do you think I still have all the strength to bring back the old me? Mann, I have had enough!

I thank the Lord for He has been very good to me lately. He made me realized quickly that if you`re weak, sweet, naive and gullible enough, people will take you for granted. They will never ever consider your feelings for they think they "own" you and all these are for plain FUN. Like damn you? For heaven`s sake. Nobody really owned me. Asa ka pa! Now I know the mechanics of PLAY and be PLAYED. I`ve been played so many fuckin times. Yes, I was indeed played by numerous of guys. Well not really but I could name a few but I would rather not.

To those people who did me wrong? Thank you and Eff you because now, I learned how to fight and play games better than you do.

If you think I`m just another bitch down the road, you better think twice because baby, I am bitchier than ever.
I am feisty as feisty could get.
I amStronger, smarter and better.
The new and improved me.

People say revenge is sweet? Well suprise surprise baby, it`s payback time and I will get on your nose as soon as I can. All the boys who took me for granted, to all the boys who toyed me and thought I was Barbie for awhile, you will be seeing me more frequently- putting my middle finger up and I saaaaaaaaaay "fuck you. You just slip the girl of your dreams and you will never ever fckin findo another girl like me." Chyeaaaah.

And ugh no. I was never the pa easy to get kind of girl. Never. I`m more of like Miss. Wants to know everything before actually talking to the guy.

Let`s just put this way.
I was just weak back then and they took the advantage of it. I was never the type of girl who says "yes we're together" right after having sex on their first meeting or right after they kissed on their first meeting. I was never like that, it just so happen that my "love suspects" were a little gentle, they were a little careful and I thought it was realy for realz.

But Uh-uh. Those ways of flirting will be banned in my dictionary. I will be more careful and this time it`s not going to be them who will enjoy, it`ll be me. :D I`m a little flirt so I advice the lonely boys out there, to ugh watch out. Just like what I said in my previous blog, I don`t do forever I only do flings. The only time that I`d engage myself in the word "forever" is when I`m with my First Love. YES. I hate him but at the same time I fuckin love him. No questions asked. But for the mean time, I will play their games. I will be enjoying every moment of it! Seize the moment! HAHAHAHA.

They say Life`s full of shit?

Yes it is. Life`s full of shit, so shit with it. Just like I`m shitting on love! :D

I miss you ktgs!

2008-08-02T03:00:00.000-07:00

I miss my KTGS.

I`ve been hecka busy lately and I haven`t really talked to anyone of them. Guys, we need some catching up to do! Hehe. Adrei, Hannah Marie, Sammy, Leslie, Ate Kate, Ate Dacy and the rest I missed youuuuu guys! Seriously. I miss Hannah Marie and our random Ym convos. I miss Adrei and her comments. I miss Sammy and our Gossip girl chikaas. I miss talking to Ate Dacy. I miss Leslie and our serious talks and not-so-serious talks. I miss Ate Kateeeeeee period! :D There's just so many things I miss about her. Hehe. Hohmygaaaath, serry for bein nostalgic slash emotional. It`s friggin 3 in the morning plus I`m listening to slow rnb love songs= cheesyness. Hehe. Buuuh I don`t care. I just want you guys to know that I miss you, period.

I know you guys are busy too, college sucks yeah? Haha. Nagkakasalubong nga tayo pero most of the time school works gnagawa naten. My gaaaath. I don`t have any news from you guys anymore. Super nakakasaddd. Update me as soon as you can mkay? I missed you loads! Take careee guys, I heard super buhos ang ulan jan. Haha. Magdalaaaa ng payong baka magka sinat kayooo. Haha. Loveyouuuu!

P.S: lapet na August 10, what shall we dooooo?! :)) Hahaha. Update nyooo ko! Hehehe.

Seriously, na miss ko kayooo. :| Ang panget ng feeling kapag hindi nagcoconive yung scheds tas hindi na nag uusap. Supppperrr. :| Nakooo.

S Galore

2008-08-02T00:45:00.001-07:00

I just figured out today that shopping is really my weakness. :|| Which is not a good thing I guess because aside from the fact that I waste too much money on clothes and shoes, I get really agressive and I won`t stop til I ran out of money. Damn it.

Just today, I pretty much wasted nearly 200 dollars for clothes, shoes and all my kabigaan. By the way, Kabigaan in tagalog is kaartehan. HAHAHA. Anyways, so yeah. I bought 3 flats from Gap, a brown Mariel-ish wedge which was on sale in Payless, a floral summer-ish dress, a purple skinnny jeans, a purple scarf and a purple headband all from Forever21, 2 stud earrings and 2 tote bags from Wetseal. :| I was helluh enjoying and shit not til I got home and tried to tally how much I just spent today and how much money I have left- and to my dismay I only have a less than a hundred. Daaaaaaaamn it.

So from now on, I promised myself to always always think 231778317238174 times before actually buying whatever I want to buy because when I go shopping I don`t really care about the price as long as I like I`ll buy it. So this time I have to be smart. Hahaha. I have to be wais and buy stuff that is on sale. HAHAHAHA. :)) Sometimes abi those stuffs that are on sale are not the trendy2 kind of clothes more so they're like the super buki and super old style you don`t even want to wear so I always go for the "new arrivals" or those clothes that are not on sale. But however I learned just to today that I should not always be like. I have to be effin practicaaaaaaaaaal. Mahal na ang gas. Hahaha. Connection? Idk, I just want to bring that up. :)) Anyways, I just made ubos my money. I only have a few left and I still have freakin 2 weeks to go before class ends so by that time I still should have a cash in hand kay I will be broke wala ko daan allowance if there`s no class. Shit.

Oh well, it was my fault so whatever. I enjoyed naman so it`s cool. HAHAHAHAHA. :)) Finally after 39183917313198 years, I was able to shop again. Loveeee you Forever21!! I love you cuz you have soo much purple in your store, God knows how much I love the color purple. Hahaha.

Litol Miss Ecstatic

2008-07-25T20:13:00.000-07:00

ONE DOWN, 3 more to go! :D

I got my assessment from Mr. Sahlman right after I delivered my speech and surprisingly I got 48 out of 50! :)) Yey! Well it wasn't that bad at all though because he was telling me that if only I managed my time well and I nailed that 5 freakin minutes, I could`ve gotten 50 points instead. Haha. Asking how much time I exceeded? Well, it was pretty much not more than 3 minutes but he was strict as hell so he didn`t consider that. Ghod, imagine naman kasi I was demonstrating how to do the Basic CPR and it`s not possible for me to cut down important details just to finish it by 5 minutes. I have to tackle every detail because CPR is one serious shiiit. I was telling my Mom to cut some important details off but she was like "Anu ka ya man? wala na to mabalan classmates mo simo?" Ugh, K. So there. :D I`m just glad I did good on my 1st speech. And now I am looking forward for my Informative speech that'll be done on the 31st simply because I will be talking about the Good Ole Philippines. Hurrah. I will be reciting the Lupang Hinirang and such and I can`t freakin wait. HAHAHAHA. :)) I`m only bothered about my After Dinner and Persuasive though but I don`t want to think about it just yet because I don`t want to screw up my 3-day off from school! Hahaha Whoohoo. Thank you to those who wished me goodluck, you were my lucky charm when I was up the stage. HAHAHAHA. Thanks. xoxo

However, we will be having our midterms this monday so I really wouldn`t get to enjoy the whole 3 days because I will be studying and do my next outline. :|| Gaaaaaah, summer school sucks. I should have not taken SPCOM during the summer. :|| It pretty much eats all my time and I don`t even have the time to watch My Girl anymore. How sad. :((

3 more weeks.

3 more weeks.

and i`ll be done with summer school.
:))

P.S: My classmates call me Angelica. :| Errr. Cuz I wasn`t able to go to Red Cross yesterday to borrow a dummie, so I had to find an alternative and I brought Angelica with me. You know the bratty litol girl from Rugrats? Right. :|| I know she`s cute but I just don`t like the name Angelica. It sounds so godly, so angelic. Hah. Geez, I`m not even close. HAHAHHA

kbye
xoxo

Matching Outfit

2008-07-21T08:57:00.001-07:00

It`s MONDAY!- Hurruh!

So I was feeling the monday fever and I was quite excited to go to school. Aside from the fact that I already finished my outline and I have something to show my teacher, I`m excited to see my Korean friends. Hahaha. Seriously they entertain me a lot. Their accent is really cool. I`m not being sarcastic or something but it`s just so effin cool like ice.

So going back on the topic... I woke up helluh early today and had my morning shower though it was effin cold. I straightened my hair and it took me 20 minutes to find my outfit. I swear to God my room is a total mess again for tryin crapload of clothes. So finally after 20 sweet minutes, I already had my outfit in my bare hands and it`s a cute purple top with yellow ensembles. I was eccentric about wearing it because as I remembered the last time I wore it was when I was still on my vacation in the Philippines so it was pretty much long time ago.

I paired my top with a purple flats and a yellow/purple purse with matching yellow and purple bangles. Ghod, imagine how I looked. Haha. Mommy was telling me how "over matched" I was but I just didn`t care. I always wanted to look good so I always have to match. I put on a little make up and then I left.

Daddy drove me to school today and on our way there I was really happy. Idk why but I was feeling a little odd because I`m not usually like this. I mean way back HS I don`t really enjoy going to school. Hahaha. It was a waste of time. Hahaha. KIDDING. No, seriously cuz I have be there effin early in the morning and since I`m a sucker for sleep and much of a nocturnal, I always end up being late or worse not go to my 1st period class. But this morning, Ghod, it was seriously absurd. I woke up at 6 and finished by 730. So I was like Whoa, I`m not really that excited to go to school.

I was walking on my way to Founder`s Hall where my classroom is located when I heard people talking and shizz. I was really feeling it because I felt that I had the cutest outfit today and it`s Monday so people are always present. Hahaha. When I finally got there, I saw my classmates walking back to the parking area and I was like What the fuck? I went closer to the door of my classroom and there was a computer paper posted over the window of the door and it says "SPCOM 100 Class 7:55-11:00 AM. Today's class is canceled." After reading it I gave in a deep breath and screamed "HOHMYGOD! Today's class is canceled?! Daaaaaaaaang it!" Like seriously.

Hah, wow. Thank you so much Mr. Sahlman for cancelling your class. Nag effort pa naman ako to look good today but you basiclly screwed that up. Damn it. HAHAHAHAHA. So now I`m back here at home, bumming. I`m effin up this effin early. What the hell am I goin to do? Errrrr.

boyf`s birthday

2008-07-20T00:46:00.000-07:00

Dahil birthday ni Baby Zanjoe magboblog ako in tagalog. Hahaha. Connection? WALA. Hahaha. Mkay, naun pa lang talaga sumink-in sken na July din pala si Baby. Haha. Hindi ako makapaniwala kasi. July din sya. Mygasss. Naman, boyfriend ko sya pero hindi nya na memention na July 23 birthday nya. Hahaha. Umeemo kasi yan minsan, kaya secretive msyado. Haha. So ayun.

Tsaka kmusta naman db? Zossimo pala name ni future dad. Haha. Parang Mossimo. Haha. K, walang kwenta. Hahaha. :)) Loko lang. Hindi kagwapuhan tatay nya pero bakit sumisigaw talaga ang kagwapuhan ni Z? Haha. Pati yung abs nya grabe kung maka eksena. My gas. Haha. And wait, si Ate Ma yung nag greet sa knya sa Asap kasi hindi ako pwede. Actually ako talaga dapat dun. Hahaha. Feelingera? :)) Pero seriously tinawagan nila ako sa bahay, sabi ko napaka private kong tao kaya hindi ako pwede gumanyan. Hahaha. Major pilitan pa nga yung nangyari pero ayaw ko talaga. And since si Ate Ma naman yung obvious special friend nya, sabi ko ayun, siya na lang. :D Hahaha.

Ayun. We will celebrate Z`s birthday dito sa States. He called me a week ago and sabi nya I`ll go directly to Chabot College sa Hayward since super lapit lang namin dun. Dun daw kami magmemeet at mag SasanFrancisco kmi. Haha. Mag dadate dw kami sa Golden Gate kasi. Hahahahaha. :)) As in sa mismong Bridge, swear. Haha. Ang sweet db? Sabi ko nga sana dalhin nya na din si Ate Ma para mas masaya. Haha. Tapos ma eechapwera si Z kasi super maguusap na lang kami ni Ate Ma. hahaha. Iuupdate ko lang kayo kung ano man ah. Dito ko lang talaga kasi nishashare sa blog ko kasi nga dba private person ako? Ayoko ng sbrang exposure. Yun na! Hahahaha

Ay wait pahabol, sabi pala ni Z sa lahat ng nag comment sa album ko na "eu ess gwapo" thank you dw. Sobrang na appreciate na dw yung mga comments. Hahaha. Nkita nya dw kasi e. Susweet nyo daw. Awww. Ayun. Hahahaha

P.S: Ate Dacy remember the himas himas? Hahaha. Yehes, it` your time to shine kasi narineg ko sumakabilang bahay dw si Z at lumipat sa inyo. Awwww! :D hehe.

P.P.S: Sorry na. Hahaha. masaya lang ako kaya ako naka gawa ng ganitong blog. kalerky ba msyado? haha

Happy Birthday Z. Love you.

I`m sick

2008-07-19T23:22:00.001-07:00

Chor baby gorl is sick. :| I have fever, soar throat, colds and my allergy is killing me! Damn it! But then I have no one else to blame but myself. It was partly my fault though because I knew it was coming but I didn`t care to tell my mom about it and completely forgot that I still have crapload of stuffs to do- pero now that I`m a little weak and my body`s not fuctioning very well, I`m starting to get really really nervous. :|

Mkay, just to let you know I am not yet done with my outline. Yeah, greaat. I`m still pretty much figuring out what to do and I`ve been really researching my ass about CPR yet I still couldn`t find the right terms and the proper usage of the words. The medical terms used in the internet is very much complicated and I still need to tone it down so that my classmates would be able to understand those kind of shitss- considering that I am the only person who is Majoring in Nursing in that freakin class. Damn it. I already started the introduction and half of the body but I get spaced out most of time so can you just imagine the amount of time I`m wasting. Ghod, seriously. This speech class is taking too much of my time and look at me now, I`m pretty sick and goodluck na lang sken on Thursday since I`ll be having my very 1st speech. Kmusta naman yung boses ko db? Hindi naman kasi sya gaanong sabog because sa colds. Tae.

I know I should've followed Mommy`s advice. Maybe I should`ve done some cooking or did the Yo-yo tricks so it would be easier than this fckin Basic CPR shit. My reason was, since I am Majoring in Nursing and I already have my license in performing Basic CPR why not grab the chance and show my Professor what I got right? RIGHT. But I seriously never thought that researching about the origin and shizz would take this long. I mean it`s a long process. I have to consider even the simplest things because CPR is a very serious matter. Like OMG. Patience patience patienceeeeeeeeee. I`m running out of patiencee. Seriously. I just wish that I will be done with my outline by tomorrow and by monday I could practice my speech. Goodluck to me. I seriously need everyone`s prayer. :|

P.S: You know how cool my parents are right? So mkay, I`m here at my house all alone with my brother. My parents left for Ex-fest and they will be seeing freakin Blake Lewis and Simple Plan tonight! Damn it. Just because we`re under 21 we can`t go na? Unfaaaaaaaaaaaaaair! I bet my parents are now waving their freakin hands and singing their heart out!! OMG.

Stressed out!

2008-07-18T17:08:00.000-07:00

SPEECH CLASS- Dreadful!
ktnxbye

weeks go by very fast and in 2 weeks time i will have my after dinner speech already and it`s fckin killing me. wth? im a fcking joker myself but i just can`t fkcin joke about anything in fckin english! hahahahahaha. i don`t really mind about the pursuasive and informative because it`ll be very easy shit but then the after dinner speech? fck it.

i tried to make them laugh this morning but it wasn`t very effective. damn it. haha. i looked so stupid up the there this morning. seriously. and my friend was even like "whoa, did you just throw in a joke?" like fck you man, i just did! hahaha. owel owel owel, wish me luck guys i badly need that right now. demonstrative speech will be done next week and i haven`t done my outline yet. fcker. im too scared. i`m demostrating how to do the cpr only because i already have a little knowledge about that. and guess what did my mom suggested? why don`t you cook something? like puto for example? why yes, mom. I have spanish speaking classmates and puto in spanish is kinda of not a nice word. hahaha. mkaaay, i`ve been talking nonsense againnnn. im serrry i just can`t get over my speech class and the impromptu i did this morning- it was really horrible.

when will i fckin overcome my stage fright? like seriously dude, i wanna do good in my demonstrative, informative, pursuasive and especially in my after dinner speech. i want it to be perfect! daaaaaaaaamn it. and i`m still worried about my diction and accent. haha. baaaaaah. i dont know if i still have my accent though but whatever, im worried about a lot of things but im crossing my fingers- i will do good next week and mr sahlman will fckin clap his fckin huge hands! dudeeeeeeeeeeeeee, speech class is stressing me outtttttttttttt! i need starbucks!

Happy Birthday to me!

2008-07-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

Forward it on 2:30
Okaaaay I got goosebumps yet again for hearing my name being greeted by someone who is a celebrity or whatever you may call them. Hahaha. I was like Whoa, Boy Abunda just uttered my name and he fuckin murdered it. He was like Happy Birthday to PAWLA ROULDAN like wth? Hahaha. But I loved it, I loved it! Thank you so much Ging and Begs for doing that. It was really sweet of you guys! Though Mariel wasn`t able to greet me on my special day, atleast you had her manager do it for her, and I think that`s fair enough! Actually it was too much gd gani. Thinking pa that you went to Abs just to have me greeted on Tv, it was really sucha sweet gesture. Nahuya na lang ko. Hahaha. I loved it thank you so much. I showed the video to my Dad and my brother and they we`re still in awe up to now and they still kept on asking me how you guys did that. Haha. Seriously, it was really sweet and even my Daddy, he appreciated it. He was like "lantawa mga miga mo bisan ari ka na d, ga himo sila gapon paagi to make your birthday extra special". Awww. Thank you gd and it made my day! Now I really feel so special. Hahaha. First it was Bianca Gonzalez who greeted me in TFC Connect and then now, Boy Abunda just greeted me on National television. Isn`t that cool? Hahaha. God I`m so lucky for having friends like them. I don`t know what good action I have done for me to deserve all these. Thank you guys and I thank the Lord for giving me such a sweet and loving friends like you. I love you all! xoxo

Double Trouble

2008-07-07T04:06:00.000-07:00

What a surprise! Daddy got me a new camera today and I can't hardly believe it! Ghod, Daddy?! Hahahaha. Are you kidding me? :p So okay since my birthday is really coming up, I was asked by Dad if what do I want to get on my birthday. So I was like I want a new camera with better mega pixels and optical zoom. I didn't really stressed that I wanted a SLR since it's too much to ask plus I am not really good in taking pictures. So there. When I woke up this morning, Taaaaaaada! I already have my camera beside me and OMG I was about to cry but I held on to it. Seriously it was really sweet of him. I couldn't say anything except for Thank You.

He got me a Canon Poweshot Sx100is. He said, he based it on the reviews online thats why he got the idea of buying it. So I was likee okaaaaaay. Hahaha. It has loads of features and I loved it. Seriously. Though it wasn't really something that I wished to have, atleast I have a new camera. Plus it has 10x optical zoom and 8 mps, so that's fair enough.

Thank you dad for yer gift. It really made my day..

Hmmm. Hey guys can you suggest a name for my new baby?
My old camera is nameless so this one should really be named. Hahaha. Hit up the comment box for your suggestions. I'd love to hear from you...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay this has nothing to do with Bugoy (the pda scholar, since he is known for this song. haha). But this has something to do with my long lost super gwapo (or not really) and super tall crush. So okay, I accidentally found him in Friendster yesterday and ghod I was so happy. I don't know why but seriously, it made my day. He was my first high school crush that's why he really does matter to me. Haha. Yehes, HS crush is wayyyyy different from your elementary and college crush. Haha. But seriously though, he was the first guy who caught my eye way back frosh year and knowing that he also felt the same way before I did, is just so fxckin awesome. Hahaha. I miss him though, I have no idea where he is right now. It has been pretty much 4 long years since the last time I saw him and actually heard of him after that- Nada. I just hope he can still recognize me cuz he won't-- shit sya. Hahaha. Buuh whatever you know, atleast I found him na and I could constantly check on him. HAHAHAHAHA. Yeheeeeeeees.

New love life? Echos. Hahaha.

Mkaaaay, that was it. Goodnight loves.
P.S: His angels brought me to his profile. HAHAHAHAHA. whutts? haha. k, bye.
P.S.S: The "angels brought me here song" was his profile song and I kinda got stucked listening to it over and over again. Hahaha. I heard this long time ago na but then everytime I hear it, I would remember him and our "fun" times together. Haha

Hi Vondee Chua. :)

Senseless

2008-07-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

Boo. I know I changed my layout once again. It's just that I couldn't find the right skin for me!! Damn it. I've been browsing through Blogskins for almost 3 hours now and to tell you guys honestly I haven't found any neat works yet. I tried looking for Gossip Girl Skins but none of them suited my taste. I mean they all look okay but I wanted some interesting look on it and I was just so disappointed that I didn't see that in any of those skins. So I just decided to pick this one just because it has a vintage-y look and i love the color teal. Fair enough? :p Lol.

I seriously wanted to learn how to come up with those fckin html codes but I just can't. I swear to God, I tried my ass but it didn't work. Too much epistaxis dude, I tell you. I also tried reading through the pre-made skins and ghod I didn't get any single shxt. I know it pays to be patient sometimes and I just have to read through the codes for me to be able to initialize everything but you know me, I get tired easily and I always as in always end up hitting the X button and to hell with everybody I will just get the codes through Blogsskin and I aint going to make any shxt.

Hahaha. Whatever. Another senseless post. I'm sorry I'm lost for words. I'm heading off to bed.

P.S: It's July 5th today meaning------ theres only 8 more days before I finally turn 18. Yeahyeah!!

CHAIR on Season II

2008-07-04T16:32:00.001-07:00

--> SPOILER AHEAD <--
I got this scoop from Entertainment Weekly Magazine.

OMG! Are Blair and Chuck back together? Yeah right. In this Hamptons-set party scene from GG's Season 2 premiere (Semptember 1, 2008), Meester explains "We're talking about the love that cannot be." The two will, however, resume their usual bickering. "There's going to be a lot of....insults and evil plans." That's the Queen B we love.
"I root for them because nobody understands Blair quite like Chuck and vice versa. She still has feelings for him. Maybe he made a mistake- who knows?"

- Gossip Girl's Leighton Meeter, a.k.a Blair Waldorf on the future with Chuck.

OMFG. Now that I have read way too much spoiler and it pretty much screwed up my excitement IDFC, I just can't wait til Spetember 1st! Whoohoo. Chair Moments yet once again, ohh love it!! (btw, there's actually a photo with the said article but im too lazy to take a picture and upload it over multiply, but it has something to look forward to!! Blair looked fabulous as ever and Chuck has his new hair style.- he was actually rocking his suave summer look.)

I'm not ready.

2008-07-04T02:53:00.000-07:00

I'm growing up!! And to be frank, it scares the hell out of me. I know it's inevitable, but it doesn't make it any less scary. I used to be really impatient when I was little because I wanted to grow up really really fast and be 18, but now that I could see it coming, it doesn't excite me at all- not even close. Well beside the fact that I fear of growing old alone (since I don't have a boyfriend yet) I also fear that anytime soon I will be leaving my comfort zone. After my 2 years in MJC Mom would like me to go to UCLA or UCSF to finished my Nursing degree and I can't even picture myself out living apart from them. Seriously. So you could just imagine that in a span of two years BABYE Mommy na and as in bonggang bonggang hello world.

I'm starting to reflect back on my life and there are a bazillion "what if's" going through my head. Mostly about my love life. And that scares me too. What if I let the right one walk out of my life. I know I'm still young, but in reality I'm really not all that young. I'll be 18 in less than 2 weeks my ghod. Feels like yesterday I was just little 13 year girl terrified to start high school because it meant only 4 years. I'm afraid, I don't do well with change, but it's a fear I have to confront. I just really hope things work out well and how they are supposed to. Goodness. Life, PLEASE SLOW THE HECK DOWN. I'm not ready :[

"Poor Girl"

2008-07-01T00:10:00.001-07:00

I will let this survey do the talking.

1. Why did you stop loving the last person you loved?
I still love him though but I just have to forget about the feeling.

2. Are you usually heart broken?
No. I usually break THIER hearts but it abruptly changed. It's now me who is suffering from a broken heart.

3. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Cherrios

4. Quote from the song you are listening to.
"and thats why i love you so dont be afraid to let them show your true colors, true colors a beautiful like a rainbow"

5. How is life going for you right now?
Getting the hang of everything.

6. Regret(s)?
Hmmm, yeah?

7. What was the first thing you said when you woke up this morning?
"ano to mom?"

8. Do you have A best friend?
I don't have a "best" friend but I have true friends though.

9. Have you ever hated someone,
Yes.

10. Have you liked someone, but ended up hating that person so much?
Nope.

11. Why?
Because it always comes down to this: Everything happens for a reason.

12. Do you believe in chances?
Yeah

13. Will you give a chance to someone, who made a very big mistake in your life?
Probably.

14. What do you think of people who have sex before marriage?
I don't really have the license to judge them in any way. It's their choice, so be it.

15. Do you own a pair of green pants?
Yes. Green skinny pants.

16. What are you excited about?
18th birthday.

17. Do you believe that what comes around, goes around?
Yes

18. What is your favorite fruit?
Banana, Apple, Orange, Watermelon, Grapes and a lot more. I love fruits!

19. Now hows your relationship with your last ex?
We're good friends.

20. Do you hate her?him?
Who? :D

21. Do you miss your ex?
Yes.

22. Which ex do you miss?
Tilos - calm down, i just "miss" him mkay?

23. When is your birthday?
13th of July

24. Memorable comment you had?
There's quite a lot.

25. Are you going to search a new girl/boyfriend now?
No. I'm fine being single. I really don't have to look because it'll just come along.

26. Do you like someone right now?
I still like my ex. :p

27. Last person you had YM with?
Erika.

28. Last person you texted?
..

29. Last person who texted you?
..

30. Last person to whom you said, "i love you too"?
Hmmm. Lady.

31. Anything you want?
Forever Bliss.

32. Does it hurt when you love someone but they dont love you back?
It fuckin does. Doesnt it suck when he knows just how you feel about him and he doesnt do a thing about it because he just doesn't care? Damn it.

33. How does it feel when you see someone you love happy with somebody else?
It crushes my heart everytime I would see/know that they are happy. It's the most dreadful feeling in the world, I should say.

34. Have you ever felt like that?
Why yes.

35. How long was your last relationship?
1 yr and 5 months

36. Can you forget all of the memories about you and your last love?
Hmmm sure do but with regards to my first love- it still lingers.

37.Do you still think about her/him everyday?
About Tilos? Of course I still do. It's almost like a habbit already but I always make sure to wash him off my mind. Gaaad, why is it so hard to move on? :|

38. Do you still hope that you can get him/her back to you?
That little hope I have is still there but just like what he said, He loves his girlfriend and I guess that was an obvious answer that he doesn't want to get back with me anymore- never.

39. Why?
just because.. :( there's wayy too many reasons why we have to get back. I know in my heart and in my soul that we are destined. Since day one, I knew that he was the "one", but I had my blinders on. :(

40. Are you going to find another woman/man and replace her/him?
No. He will never be replaced. :(

It was just merely about 6 days after he turned me down how come it felt like it had been so freakin long? :(( Why me? Why do I have to go all through these?

It's over.

2008-06-27T03:01:00.001-07:00

I think I`ve finally come to the harsh realization that he`s never going to be mine. As in never. I know you guys would tell me I told you so, but whatever. Shit happens most of the time and I have nothing to do about it. It's done, it was my fault and I can't blame any other person but myself. But just like what I've said, Whatever. After what happened last June 24th, I promised myself that I would never ever put myself into humiliation again, never! It was like the most horrible feeling in the world- be humiliated by someone you truly love. I wouldn't spare any infos na lang for he might or his friends might read this post and I could pretty much picture out what I will happen to me so I better stay shut.

Anyhow, after the incident I only realized one thing- that sometimes it doesn't really pay off to be patient. Teachers would always remind us way back in High School in the saying Patience is a Virtue, that's why I was really persistent in winning him back and that waiting for 1 year was just a piece of cake. But look what happened to me? What did I get? Nothing. Instead I got hurtful words from the person I never thought would say that to me. I was bitch-slapped with words that you would never want to hear and words that I never knew he would come up with. But then again, Whatever you know. As much as I wanted to care about what happened, I'll just let it slip and wait til the time that it'll be washed away in my mind and to finally forget about this blood-curdling episode in my life.

But despite what happened and no matter how many things may change, he`ll always be My Boo. He was my first love and pretty much my one true love so the feelings won't fade just like that. I know it would take me sometime before I can finally say that I have moved on but I trust God and I trust myself that I could move on and little by little it'll fade and it'll feel like I never loved him. Tira Tira.

Those super strong feelings I used to have aren't there anymore. And for the first time in so long, I really don't care. I am starting to pick myself up and I will go on with my life. I'm less lonely because God is helping me go through these and there are people who loves me. I don't need one person for me to be happy and enjoy life, I got more than what I thought I have and I couldn't be any happier. But of course there are times where I long to have someone who I can run to crying on a bad day and they just have to hug me and every thing's okay. Or where we can sit and stare at each other for hours without saying a word, yet knowing exactly what the other is feeling and saying. It's the little things I miss most. I know I'll find my guy eventually; I just get lonely. But I guess it's just so normal. So I'm ready to move on with my life, and have it get better. Because I've gone through a lot in the past year, and it's about time I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will be happier; I just wish I would be in the next months or so. I'm only going up from here- and I still have a long way to go. :)

~ and to the girl who thinks she own the world, you could have your boyfriend. Suck him in your juice box!! He is all yours now and I won't ever attempt in getting back with him anymore. Feel secure now because there's no backing up, I am seriously closing my doors for him.

P.S: Whew. That was a long vent. But anyhow please do still expect me to blog about him once in awhile. I am very fickle minded and sometimes I myself doesn't even know what will happen next. So yeah. :) Thanks for taking your time in reading my blog. I thought I would never put what I felt into words, but I'm so glad I did. Toodles biiiitches.

XOXO
Paula is

Unforgettable Summer

2008-06-26T02:58:00.001-07:00

I'm not yet in the mood to blog about the humiliation I've been through couple days ago. There's just so many details and I just can't seem to comprehend. But what amazes me though is that I didn't cried that much at all. I mean of course I did but it was just a 5 minute-urahab, then after that I went straight to bed as early as 8 pm.

Thank You Tilos for giving me the Summer that I will never ever forget.
June 24, 2008- Thank You So Much.